Geek Goddess

God verses Mortal

2012-01-30T17:16:00.000+08:00

Isaiah 54:17

New King James Version (NKJV)

17 No weapon formed against you shall prosper,
And every tongue which rises against you in judgment
You shall condemn.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
And their righteousness is from Me,”
Says the Lord.

God is real.

One week on

2012-01-25T14:38:00.001+08:00

One week on, and the glory dust is still upon me.

As I went for Tuesday Group last night, I prayed for restoration, God's promise of restoration, and for him to USE MY HANDS more, to use me as a vessel to be sent out to the nations for His glory.

How great it is the rest in the presence of God, to see signs and wonder manifest on my palms. It's only me, I tell God. But He can indeed use the little we have for his glory. No gift is ever too small for Him to you. We just need to be available. An available and willing heart is fertile ground for God to use and send forth.

I am truly humbled and honoured that I, in my own way can use these palms to touch the lives of others. Brother Jeff asked me to pray for that similar anointing on 3 other sisters in Christ in the group and by the grace of God, He revealed himself true to them as well! Sister Tammy had her entire palms shining and glittering with glory dust. Oh how the Lord loves His children, he rewards them and shows Himself real to those who earnestly seek Him.

I have never been so close to God in my entire life before. I feel as though I am breathing Him, living Him, Walking in his light and his plans (finally). It took be a very very long time to get here, it was a major struggle. But I know this is the beginning of an awesome journey with my heavenly Father. I am bubbling with joy every moment despite my circumstances, I feel as if living in His will alone gives me strength to conquer EVERYTHING, no weapon formed against me will prosper! There is tremendous joy and excitement being in the presence of God. Men can ridicule, but I am willing to be that fool for Christ, as long as it pleases Him!

I DO NOT regret anything in my past -- this was a revelation to me yesterday as I walked home from the MRT station. There have been things I have done that I feel ashamed and sorry for, things that I will crucify on the cross. But if not for these past circumstances, I would not have been so broken in spirit that I have no choice to come into God's presence and cry out in repentance and mercy. And it was only in my brokennes, in the place of refuge, or total despair, that God saw the little I had left, stretched out His hands of mercy and rescued me, made me whole. Yes I am angry at what I have allowed myself to be put through in the past, but TRULY it was only because of these experiences that I knew I had no one else to turn to buy God. And that is where he showed Himself faithful and true.

I would go through the pain all over again, the sadness, the sorrow, the despair, the hopelessness again for You, Lord, if it is what it takes for me to enter into Your presence. I never want to leave this beautiful place. It is amazing! You, truly are in the business of transformation!

All glory and honour goes to you! Till the race is finished, and the work is done, I walk by faith and not by side.

Gold Dust

2012-01-18T02:14:00.000+08:00

I was born to worship, and nothing less.

I left the arcade with gold dust on my hands. May I forever remember this day, when God has showed me that Heaven in indeed real!

I said "show me you love me and show me you remember me" and He left me with a bit of heaven.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

2012-01-11T18:32:00.000+08:00

Yes it is hard to see how your life now revolves around another person, but I am getting better by the day. And like a child, I am pulling out one splinter- one at a time each day, until one day there will be no more "sting".

I feel stronger, almost like a phoenix rising out of the ashes. I feel as if pain cannot penetrate my core anymore. I lie awake in the morning to the buzz from my alarm clock and as I bury my head in the sheets, and immediately turn on my cell phone to tune into worship songs.

Ahhh.. mornings are amazing, starting them with Jesus.

Lesson for today

2012-01-09T12:39:00.000+08:00

Love TRUMPS all. EVERYTHING. There is nothing that can stand against the power of LOVE.
And I say that from the bottom of my heart, every sinew of my being; every fibre of my body.

How do I know? Because I have experienced the perfect love of God; now I am able to share it with everyone. Be it a friend, a foe, a stranger, someone who has hurt me in the past, people who will hurt me in the future.

And how do I know I am being and growing stronger in Christ? Because it is getting easier and easier to love everyone around me. It is easier to open my heart, it is easier to ask myself "What would Jesus do" and it is easier to obey that still, small voice inside my heart. That time and time again, tells me that LOVE TRUMPS ALL. And this must be the complete and overwhelming love of Christ.

Thank YOU for making me a better person, and thank YOU for moulding me to be more and more like YOU. And thank you, above all, for loving me.

1 Corin 13: 13
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Decisions

2012-01-06T16:04:00.000+08:00

There are some decisions that I have made for 2012, that I hope to stick to:

I will not blog any post about me moping about my past. 2012 is a new year, I'm looking forward to new and happy things in my life.

I started a prayer journal also on the 4/12/11 and have since been journaling almost weekly, the things I am inspired by as well as the things I commit to doing. It has been such an encouragement because although Shimei has encouraged me to start one last year, it took me super long. And because I received an early Christmas gift of a journal, that I actually got to start one. It has been an amazing experience, because I can charter my growth as I read old entries, very much like how this blog has helped to to see how much I have grown as a person.

There's so much things to be done for 2012, I want to ensure that my heart remains sensitive and my hunger for Christ continues. It is indeed not a sprint, but a marathon. And I am determined to run the good race.

You are someone out there.

All dogs go to heaven

2011-12-29T17:00:00.000+08:00

Floppi was brought into my life by the Almighty God. I have NO doubt about it at all.

When I see her cute face, her puppy dog smile, her small paws and how she begs for food, my heart is filled with joy -- I could almost do somersaults! Indeed, animals are brought into our lives to cheer us up! Even animals are found in heaven, did you know that?

Everyday, I grow to love my puppy (ok 10 months old already) more and more, the way she loves and accepts you despite everything and how she leaps to greet you at the door.

God must have known that through the loneliness, Floppi could come and help me heal. She is the most amazing dog and each night as we lie in bed together, I thank God for bringing her into my life.

All dogs go to heaven.

Heart

2011-12-28T15:36:00.000+08:00

I have decided, after speaking with Pastor Ong last night, that indeed, I am happy alone. And I am happy to be alone until I have fully healed, and until there is someone I am confident, God has placed in my life for me.

For now, I want to spend as much time building myself up, improving my relationships between my good friends and I, and most importantly, rebuilding my commitment to God.

I am happy, truly.

Closure

2011-12-22T12:36:00.001+08:00

I met Ming last night to pass him his Christmas present.

I miss him. And when I saw him walk down the drive way, he looked exactly the same as when we left each other. Nothing had changed, he was still him. And it was an amazing feeling to see him. I miss him as my best friend. I miss him, truly.

As we sat by the ledge to chat, Pairah and Yumi camte out and I hugged the both of them, wishing them all the best this festive season. I love them very very dearly. I miss them awfully, and that's when tears welled in my eyes. I miss everything about what was.

But for Ming, all I want him to be is to be happy, however, anyway possible. And he tells me I have to take the sting out of our memories, I have got to release them and move on. As long as I hold on to them, I can never really give my heart to anyone else. I nod my head to agree, and tears flow down my face incessantly. Hey, it wasnt meant to be like this. This wasnt meant to be emotional, it's meant to be happy. But I couldnt hold back the tears -- these werent tears of sadness, no. They were tears of gratitude, how grateful I am to have once enjoyed good times with him. I am truly blessed.

Ming gives me all sorts of advice, and I listen intently. Why should I not? I miss listening to him talk to me, tell me off, tell me as it is. He has always been brutally honest with me, no games, no lies, no deception. He says whatever it is that needs to be said, and that's one of the many reason why I fell for him. He never once minced his words, his yes was yes and no was no. And when we parted ways, I knew it was it. He is unlike the many men I have met, who use flowery words to deceive, he is above them all.

My mind floats back to the past, but I tell myself that there is no past to reminisce; only the future to look forward to. And it is true, there is nothing but the future, and it really is for me to make best out of.

As 2011 comes to a close, I am glad that I met Ming -- this is closure for me. The man I once spent and made memories with has moved on; and I cry not because I am upset he has moved on (yes indeed it hurts), but I cry because I have finally allowed myself to get closure. Allowed myself to sit beside him in conversation, to be with a friend, not with an ex, but with an old friend.

I wish him all the best, I wish him all the happiness and success possible, I wish him joy, peace and all the love life can give. I wish you for all the best things in the world, I pray for his salvation.

And as we depart on our own ways, he says to me that if he is being a stranger, its not because he doesnt care for me, but its because it is the best thing that I need. I step into my car, apply pressure on the accelerator and drive off, not looking back. The tears have dried, they have ceased to flow, instead, I smile to myself, I feel relief, I feel as if Im closing a chapter of my life and moving on to the next. Indeed, life goes on.

***

I look forward to how 2012 will pan out for me. I know Christ has good plans, I know that His will will come to pass. Most importantly, I believe that faith can move the mountains. Jesus, as I recommit 2012 to you, I pray you will be my guide.

I don't miss him

2011-12-21T14:14:00.001+08:00

I miss who I thought he was... JY

Discipline of the mind

2011-12-20T14:34:00.000+08:00

Discipline is hard. It's hard to keep to something when there are many distractions.

I don't mean this to anything/anyone in particular, but it sure is hard to stick to a commitment.

My mind wonders sporadically at the what ifs of life, but everytime they surface, I cast them out -- I cannot allow them to linger for more than a few moments, lest I slip back into old thoughts and ways.

My blog has been so therapeutic for me; it has helped me sort out my thoughts, purge sadness from my life, help me to move on to a different phase.

If not for my job, I think my mind would have gone bust from overthinking every avenue of my life. How thank God for giving me assignments and projects to keep my mind from wandering off into the unknown.

***

As 2012 draws near, I busy myself with work and buying christmas gifts. And catching up with my good friends. I am excited at 2012, but also in that same vein, as much as I trust God, sometimes, I am nervous at what the future brings. I know God is the God of love and there is no fear in love, but admittedly sometimes I slip into anxiousness. I am afraid that 2012 will bear the same tears of 2011 did.

***

I look through my prayer journal, I have come too far to look back, and I pray continually for God's strength for 2012.

I pray that I will continue to keep the faith, that my thoughts will not waver. Though it must be and is true that many a times I have put myself in situations where I have opened myself to feeling vulnerable. And it has to stop. NOW.

Bubbing with JOY

2011-12-15T12:47:00.001+08:00

This KL Trip has been awesome for me. I have decided to extend my stay until Friday evening because I am just so productive!

I have been able to complete so much in such a short period of time, I thank God for his mercies upon my life!

This blog is slowly turning from very sad entries, to ones which are bubbling with excitement and the goodness of God. Oh how blessed I am!

Last night I got back to hotel at 930PM and continued on this book I've been wanting to complete for some time. It's about A woman's high calling -- 10 essentials for Godly living. What a blessing this book has been. As I was devouring the book, there were so many principles jumping out at me! I could hardly contain it. There are many areas of my life that indeed need change. And I know this journey will not be a simple one, but I know it will be a fulfilling one.

Things have not been easy -- I have been trampled on, maligned, used, humiliated... many other things. But what I have learnt is that forgiveness is a constant journey, and a mental decision. You forgive the people who have wronged you, then on some days you grief, but then you repent again and forgive once more, until you feel nothing but peace. And that's my formula.

I read until about midnight and started to pen down very concrete goal for myself in 2012. Achievable, measureable goals. 12 of them -- not an easy feat but as I prayed over each one of them, I asked for discipline in my life, thoughts and actions.

***

Do you know that God has called us to be an encourager of others? That is one of a woman's high calling. And as I meditated on the word of God all alone in my room, I thought of Sally, my assistant manager. She has worked so hard and grown so much over the past 5 months we have worked together, she is a precious sister of Christ. I am blessed that God has put her in my team and as I write this, I feel goose bumps rise on my arms because indeed God has put me in this place to be the salt and light! How honoured to be called for a season such as this!

God impressed upon my heart a verse for her and moments after she had received it, she texts me back to tell me she was just feeling troubled and that God was speaking to her through me! How amazing, to be used by the King! I know she has her own personal struggles, but I pray God's window of heaven will be open upon her life, that she will be able to commit her worries to Him, just as I have!

And also, I send a short text to Uncle Joseph to encourage him. How he must miss Auntie Janice! How I long to see her again, and I know we surely will meet in heaven one day.

***

I text my sister to also share with her thoughts about living and we make a mutual commitment to take mom and dad out for family dinner once a week. I admit, I have been too caught up in my own life, my own friends to have done that. I have been selfish, too engulfed in the sadness of my past to look at what I have in my palms now -- the most amazing parents who pray for protection over Esther and I daily. Truly, the one reason why we are still so blessed is because my parents have sowed prayers seeds into our lives! I cannot thank God enough for such an amazing family!

My heart is bubbling with gratitude; with amazement and at wonder at how my life has transformed. God has been so gracious in my life, he has started a good work in me, healed my scars and lifted me up. Just a few mornings ago, when I found out Ming was attached, I cried for a whole hour -- and perhaps it was because I knew that forever I had lost him. But also from the tears, I prayed for him to be happy, and that his life will be blessed.

***

As I sit in during lunch hour and reflect -- I have come a long way and only in brokenness can God come and rebuild a person, only in despair can God lift you up, only when you are in total surrender, can he mould you to be the person He wants. And I just want to be in His presence forever, indeed, it is nothing short of amazing.

James 1:2-4

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

***

Friends

2011-12-13T10:30:00.001+08:00

I am fortunate for each one of you, you know who you are.

Truly, God has placed you in my life for a reason. And for that, I am thankful.

This Christmas season, pray for God's blessings upon you, for joy and love to envelop your lives. That this season of giving, your lives will be refreshed in Christ.

I pray that each one of you will continue to get better and better in every way.

Christmas is a time to remember the birth of our Savior, the most precious gift. I love each and everyone of you with all my heart. Just needed to say that!

I love each and every one of you!

Ming's New Girlfriend

2011-12-13T01:05:00.000+08:00

I found out today that Ming has a new girlfriend -- wow the news came as a rude shock to me. But I accept it, because of course he has to move on, and of course I want him to be happy.

I bought him some presents for Christmas, and now I dont know whether to dispose of them, or to give them to him. I don't want to complicate things for him and the new girl. She is blessed.

I think true unconditional love is when you hurt because the person you care a lot for has given his heart to someone else (and you know he is a good person), but then, despite the pain, you wish him all the best and want him to be happy. I think that is true unconditional love - you don't need the person by your side, with you, owing him, to love him. This must be it.

I thank God for helping me to take the news well, and for giving me a chance to understand that i am capable of such a love as this. And I thank God that He is in total control, and he is helping me every step of the way, to be better and stronger as a person.

I want you to be happy, above all. Above all.

Abrupt

2011-12-12T15:13:00.000+08:00

I went out with D last night for drinks. Funny -- just a few months back, I wouldnt imagine this to happen, but I guess since I bump into him so much in church and we have so many reacquainted mutual friends, I thought it was probably not much harm.

Anyway, he brings me to Kent Ridge Park and starts talking about all the things we used to do, where we used to go, what we did together in Philly circa 2005. That is a very long time ago indeed. Things are so hazy, I hardly remember them anymore.

And I finally get to ask him about what happened between us that caused the relationship to meet its demise, and surprisingly, he remembers, I listen, try to recall then let the moment pass me by. It didn't matter why the reason, but what made me happy was that we were both in a more mature, better place in life.

I think D still holds a spark for me -- he asks me if they is a chance we can rekindle what we lost, and kissed me on my forehead. I didn't resist because I didn't see it coming, and he starts to hold my hands in his and strokes my arm. I draw away quickly because I suddenly feel as if I'm in a foreign place. He is a good guy and until I am very sure I can give my heart to him, I won't want to do anything that will potentially hurt him. I understand what pain can do to someone and it would be inhumane for me to put someone through that similar experience.

I am healing very quickly, but I know my wounds are still open, the scars have not completely formed yet. I still wake up some morning thinking of what could, would have been, but then I know better than to harbour any thoughts of anything other than focusing on Christ alone. I cannot love someone or give my heart to someone and be responsible for their heart, unless my own heart is straight with God.

I told Anthony last night about my new resolution -- to get my life sorted and fixed with Christ before any other guy. And I want to stay committed to this promise. I want to give my heart to someone only if I know I can be the person that will build and edify and support them.

I care for D a lot, as much as I care for the several people I've dated previously, how much they have torn me apart doesn't matter. Bottomline -- I want to forgive. I need to be a better person.

And I pray that God will slowly reveal to me His plans, that no man will be able to thwart.

Broken

2011-12-08T00:48:00.000+08:00

We met Jan on tuesday night and she was completely broken.

As she sat beside us and wept, I looked at her, and felt her pain flow through every bone in my body.

My mind was taken back to the time, where I too, felt weak, helpless, in total despair when ZC walked out of my life.

And even typing this hurts a bit still -- the betrayal. But then, that was 10 years ago. I am an emotional being, I talk forever to get over things.

I looked at Jan, and said to her plainly, "D will now forever have to settle for 2nd best because he has just lost the greatest girl he would ever get. That is his biggest punishment he'll have to live with for the rest of his life". And I meant every word of it. From the bottom of my heart. I don't blame D -- no I don't. He has his reasons, but despite all those reasons, it is irresponsible to trivialize the feelings of the person whom you claim you love so very much.

She will pull through, as we all do.

***

I am a very happy camper. I have revived my love for reading! I have devoured 4 books this week and now instead of buying clothes, I invest my money in the best books. I have 2 that I'm reading simultaneously now.

***

I can't wait for 2012. It will be MY YEAR! MY BEST YEAR EVER! I just know it in my bones and I can't wait to experience what God has in store for me!

I could never bring myself to hurt you

2011-12-03T23:33:00.000+08:00

And when I say that, I know for sure that even if I had to risk sullying my reputation, or get mud slung on my face for doing so, get maligned, or whatever, I seal my lips because that I know is the right thing to do.

And at the right time, this will all fade away, and justice comes from someone greater. It is not my battle to fight. This must be something greater.

Enjoying the chase and freedom of flight

2011-11-29T12:59:00.008+08:00

Singlehood is sweet as sweet gets :)

***

Anyway, I did promise to write more about Ramasamy, the old lady who lives in Dorcas' nursing home. When she saw me, she beckoned me over immediately. Now mind you, this woman has dementia, so she, at that moment, thought that I was her daughter who had not visited her in a long time. I walked over, she started crying, telling me she missed me, havent seen me in a long time.

I look at the 10 secs or so of happiness Ive given her, and when Dorcas turns away I start crying. This woman here, bed ridden, must she be happier than me? The joy on her face when seeing me, that's true joy. Yes myself, sometimes I ruminate at the situations I'm in when I'm fully abled body! It taught me a real lesson and as I walked with Dorcas to Blooie's for a drink, I share with her my thoughts and she says "It's about being content, about appreciating what you have".

And she's exactly right, I need to learn to count my blessings more.

I'm hoping to squeeze some time to see her again. I have brought Hansen to see her and she kissed him all over his face, made him feel so shy. Made me guffaw in laughter...

***

I think singlehood is an amazing thing, really. I suddenly don't remember ever having so much time to myself, meeting the people I want to, planning my time around no one but me. On weekday nights, I meet whoever I want, make time for my friends, on weekends, it time with my friends again. The people I care for. It's like a part of me has been cut off, I don't need to spend time thinking of one other person, what he is doing, does he need help with anything, who he is with...

It's almost amazing at how much time time I get to myself when there is no "other half". I am starting to appreciate a time like this -- It's been almost 4 year since I've experienced this. With Ming, I was always with him, our lives were so intertwined, we spent all out time together, he was part of me -- 4 years. 4 fruitful joyful years until it ended. With James, it was almost 4 months, but my mind was riddled with worries and I was somehow always constantly thinking of him, it was lethal and very fatal attraction, as Shimei would say.

But now that they are history, I find myself like a flightless bird, suddenly finding out that I can fly! do you understand the thrill of being able to talk to, go out, spend time with anyone without having the guilt that you're answerable to anyone in particular? It's liberating. I think I want to stay single for some time. I like this feeling of space.

***

I have started going out with people again, guys. And I've learnt not to write off at first encounter. People need 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances. Because I gave Ming multiple chances, it gave me 4 years of happiness. So I have learnt never to let firt impressions deceive. I want to keep it this way, dating... it's fun.

***

Vera came over to Singapore last week and Shimei and I had a brief meeting with her just to update her on what's going on in our lives. The last 2 weeks with so much time in KL, Ive been praying for very specific areas of my life -- certain parts which I have concerns over. Every night and every morning, I've been telling God how I feel and how I know I need to be feelings. Ive been praying for strength, perseverance, and most of all faith. And after she ended her prayer for Shimei and I, she tapped my on the shoulder, and said, "the word for you today is Don't Rush".

And when I heard that I knew exactly what she meant, and I know God is watching over me. I am truly blessed.

The only way things will go henceforth is up!

First Muay Thai Fight

2011-11-26T15:06:00.001+08:00

Alex was so sweet to ask me out for a Muay Thai match today! I thoroughly enjoyed myself! Had so much fun. Although I don't understand how 2 pple would stand to gain anything from being in a enclosed space to beat each other up, the 10 matches today I watched practically oozed with sportsmanship and tons of pain and sweat.

Words like "upper cut" , "flying punch" thrown around -- got me all psyched up! I really had a ball of fun. I like alex a lot. I think he is a kind person with a heart of gold. I'm sad he's left Mamee, but now he'd turned from colleague, to ex colleague, to bosom buddy in KL. I think he is someone I can confide in a lot, he knows a lot that's going on in my life and best of all, he doesn't judge. And in return I also know the things going on in his life and by that same vein, I never judge. I hope and wish him happiness with his new girlfriend. I know they have a ton of obstacles to overcome, but with love, when there's a will, there's a way. The odds are simply stacked against him, but no one ever died trying to hard.. So I wish my dear friend all the best.

I am happy, my spirits are high as I sit in a cab,m furiously typing away on my blackberry, on the way to the airport. I've had a long hard week. And last night, was one of the rare fridays I stayed in my hotel room after dinner and read myself to sleep. Me, myself and I on a alone (but not lonely) friday night. 9 full hours of sleep, how blessed I am.

I have been spending a whole lot more time medidating in my room these evenings in summit hotel. I think my pain of yesterday was a way God has been trying to call me back into his temple. I know things happen for a reason and although it pinches occasionally still when I'm reflecting, I trust that things will get better, that I will soon open my heart and mind again to run on 100 full potential - to slay the world.

I have been thinking.. Why worry about tomorrow? Why spend so much time on things beyond my control? I want to live my today to the fullest, I want to spend time alone preparing my heart, mind and body for what God has planned for me.

***

I am meeting zhenchang for dinner tonight. I don't think ill recognise him, I haven't seen him in what, 5 years? Oh guys, pls don't mistake this guy for my first bf, although they hv similar names.. I haven't been out with a guy one on one since J and I ended it. I wonder how it will be... But he's coming with me to the man u screening tonight at st. James. I hope he'll have fun cuz perhaps he's not all that into soccer. And best of all, I get to meet guanling, the young girl that I fell in love with. I think we are going to just have a smashing time ahead.

I pray for the week ahead, that it will be met with blessings and love, compassion and grace. That I will continue to grow in happiness and peace, that I will be able to lift my head and smile, for the future is nothing but bright, and the skyks my limit.

Happy weekend, people!

Friday night alone but not lonely

2011-11-25T08:35:00.001+08:00

I have decided to extend my trip in KL to Sat. This, in any other case would be a complete travesty for me. I do not want to spend my time in KL working thru the wkend. And its a complete blow to my social life. How do I meet up with friends so even meet new people if I'm spending all this time in KL?

But this wk, I've made up my mind to stay on friday, get some early shut eye, spend some time alone by myself to wind down and relax. This has been a tough week - our distributors flew down from australia and I've had so much work to clear, my mind has been occupied with nothing but getting things done right and not screwing work over.

Alex is taking me out on saturday in KL to watch muay thai! I'm so excited and happy. I think it'll be awesome fun and he's such a super guy anyway - I'm happy for him that he just found a gf, but really? Perhaps when I look at them, its perfect now, but honestly, I think long term It won't work out, but that's another matter altogether.

Ill write more tonight, in the car now on the way to melaka for work, can't wait to be back tonight for some me time with my book, music, comfy hotel bed and BBC on tv.

Just wanted to say that...

2011-11-24T20:14:00.001+08:00

I am very happy, and I finally feel that my wings are unclipped and I'm ready to fly..

Good bye to u, good bye misery

2011-11-22T22:27:00.001+08:00

To think a week ago, exact to this date, I felt as if my world was crumbling when I saw you. With her. With this girl I'd never thought you'd be with only because she was so unlike what I am, who I will ever become.

And now I week on, I now know so clearly that my heart for you has flatlined. Thoughts that used to be able your wellbeing, your health and work have now dwindled to sporadic images of you, which I easily sweep away. It has to be like this, and I know the worst is over.

Out of sight, out of mind, the best is when there is no more contact because I won't have a chance to waver. That's the best thing for me now.

As I rest my weary body on this comfy bed, I can't help but marvel at how much can change in a week. I'm glad I met her - saw her, then only, could I extinguish any glimmer of hope I had for you, now I hardly feel the pinch anymore. I feel almost somewhat free, liberated, flying. You belong with her, I think u both could very well be made for each other.

I started off being very bitter, angry at you for what you did to me, but as I reflect back, I hardly feel a stone in my throat anymore - I want to not harbour any ill feelings for you, I want to truly say that I've forgiven you, that I can raise my head high and say that I don't hold a grudge against you.

Yes it is difficult - I struggle to not harbour ill feelings towards you but somehow I think my heart has soften quick a bit and I'm on the path to forgiveness. I forgive you for making me cry, for making me feel small, for sacrificing all my time and energy on pleasing you, for making me loose sleep, for making me feel unworthy, for ever making me doubt my worth. I release the hurt of betrayal. I wish you the best because I wanna make the best I can out of my own life.

I just wanna be happy...

Waiting Upon The Lord

2011-11-20T20:10:00.000+08:00

I might not understand why I am going through what I am going through, I might not see the bigger picture of what God has in store for me.

As I sit here, waiting to fly off to KL this lonely Sunday night, I commit my week and my life unto the Lord. I wait patiently for Him to answer my prayers, when I feel down, I know He is always there for you.

I submit myself to the greater purpose God has in store for me. I may run away, stubborn, I may not understand His plans for me, but I pray God gives me the strength to go through the days ahead. I believe and trust His plans for my life. I do not want to run away anymore.

I know it is hard to trust Jesus, but I pray that Lord you see this heart of mine, and that in time, you will grant me the desire of my heart.

Because I serve a risen Savior who loves and cares for me, so help me God...

Affordable Art Fair

2011-11-19T17:25:00.000+08:00

I'm excited that we managed to go visit the affordable art fair last night!

I'm happy I got to play with the children in Whampoa again, too bad their session resumes in Feb next year only.

I'm happy I've got my freedom now.

I'm happy my doggy will get a dog's day out today.

I've got a ton of things to be happy about!

***

I meet ramasamy, an old aged woman with dementia 2 days ago and she made me cry. Ill write more when I can...

I miss you, Ming

2011-11-17T21:43:00.000+08:00

I read that the Elephant Parade was coming to Singapore, and i had to bite my lips. It reminds me very much of our last trip to London, where we were hunting down the elephants one by one. Do you remember, my dear?

When I think of you, my tears flow non stop, even as I sit in LCCT alone waiting to board. No one makes me cry like you do. I can't even cry when I think of James, he has hardened my heart, made me cynical at how men betray the trust of women whom they claim to care for.

But for you, my tears flow incessantly. Do you know how much I miss you? Your touch, your smile, how we shared everything? How you loved me unconditionally? How I could trust everything you said, how you knew exactly what to say at the right time? You are the only man I can ever put my entire faith in and trust with my entire heart.

Where ever you are... I wish you all the best. I pray one day, we will be able to spend a lifetime together, even not in this life... perhaps the next... what I would give...

The people I love

2011-11-16T16:20:00.002+08:00

I spoke to Shimei, Dorkie and CC today about what transpired on Monday.

They make me feel so loved. It is true, friends are my fortress, my fortitude, my hiding place. But there rings so much truth in what they say, even if it were to make me feel better, I truly believe in what they have told me. I am thankful to have people like that around me. And we are doing dinner later, just to give me an outlet to vent.

I still want to cry, because it is an act of purging. A physical manifestation of washing away the old, and welcoming the new. But yet again, my eyes water slightly, but the tears still wont flow. I want to cry a torrent, then later, I know I will be just fine.

And I think of her, and part of me cringes. As black is to white, as north is to south, ad head is to tails, I cannot find us any more dissimilar. The only words that resound in my ear are "Hello, standards?".

I am not a wild child.

***

I met this young 20 yo girl called GL yesterday. It allowed me to smile under all that blanket of pain, I have fallen in love with her (think clean thoughts, not dirtay ones!). Her innocence, her smile, her zest for life. And as we sat on the deck of the boat, I looked at her, and I saw a glimpse of myself about 7-8 years back, the sun in my face, wind in my hair, ever ready to conquer the world.

She told me about her encounter with boys, her school in Australia, her experiences with the cultural differences and the identity crisis all of us experience at one time or another. And I told her how I have changed since I was a teenager, how part of me died when I found out how painful life can be at times. But all I was was captivted by her smile, her voice, her excitment for life, and her apprehension for dating and the wide unknown. Like a younger sister, whom I could love so dearly.

I pray she will never lose sight of the shore, that she will swim hard to reach her dreams, that she will forever be happy. She is a good girl, clean, uncorrupted by the harsh realities of life. Angels like that should always be protected and never let down. So my prayer today is for her and her only, that she will forever smile with reckless abandon. That would make me very happy.

Much Needed Break

2011-11-06T22:59:00.002+08:00

Life has moved so fast since taking on the oceania role. On hindsight, it was good, because it busied me so much that it made it easier for me to forget Ming.

Im off to taiwan in a couple of hours, I think I really need this break from Singapore, work whatever. I need to let loose, to forget, to leave the past behind and come back, renewed, refreshed. yes the wounds still hurt terribly, but what I am to do but to pick up the pieces, if not I would hurt more, bleed more, cry more at a later date...

***

I went to the rugby 7s with AJ today. I am starting to think it as a cool sport, albeit rough. I like men who play sports, there's something sexy about it...

***

I am troubled by the state that Melissa is in. She is depressed and has no one to turn to but me. And I have roped Shimei in to help me. We need to save her before it is too late. I want to tell her that I've been through a lot too, I have been betrayed, cheated, hurt, lied to, and sharing that hurt with someone doesnt make you weak. I wish she'd open up to me more, and stop burrying her feelings. Somehow, God always allows sad people to connect with me, maybe I was born to bring laughter into the lives of the sad and desolate. May that is my calling?

But sometimes I feel frustrated, so many people pour their hearts out to me, I am tired from bearing the weight of their problems, and I take it out on the people I love.

***

I pray God will grant me peace of mind in Taiwan, may I forget the sadness that lace my heart and I leave and may I come back a renewed person. I want to leave my problems and worries in Taiwan and come back, harder, faster, better and stronger.

Upgrading in progress... God, help me to trust you more...

Forgiveness

2011-11-02T10:37:00.002+08:00

... is the hardest thing to do... when all you feel is injustice and anger...

You picked the wrong flower. Why didn't I do deeper background checks? Why did I just take everything at face value? Why didn't I ask more questions? How did I get hit by a bus without knowing, stranded like a deer in headlights?

She was a poor poor girl... my heart cries out for her.

***

To help me last the rest of the week:

"Whenever evil befalls us, we ought to ask ourselves, after the first suffering, how we can turn it into good. So shall we take occasion, from one bitter root, to raise perhaps many flowers." -- Leigh Hunt

***

I met AJ for dinner last night at KLCC and as always, he has put things in perspective for me. He is an old, kind soul. I wish him all the happiness in the world, he deserves it.

***

When is Dorcas coming back? Tomorrow? Hope Hansen has a safe flight back in SG!

The String Theory

2011-10-31T06:11:00.006+08:00

Let's just make it straight that the string theory does exist. And I am proof that it does. I'm talking here about getting strung along -- getting taken for a ride.

I'll explain more in greater details, off to catch a flight this AM.

***

I met Grizzy and AJ for dinner yesterday and, you know what? It kickstarted my week with a bang. I am becoming a happier person. Although ruminating on the state of imperfection in my life seems to be something I can't pull the plug on so quick, I think I am learning the live and let live. To let go, to realize that I can't please everybody, and I am learning to open myself again to trusting anyone male.

My mind is steel now, how I rejoice that new friends have entered my life just at the point when I was my lowest. There are bad people in this world, I almost never knew that, but now I realized that indeed, the world is a cruel place. I have just got to be ultra careful about the ever circling sharks... they prey on stupid gullible people like me.

Grace told me that I cannot be jaded, I need to believe that the concept of love does exist, that I cannot harden this old soul of mine. And part of me believes her, part of me wants to scoff at what she says. But I hold fast to the thought that God has a plan, and whatever we face, it fits in to the ultimate plan that God has. Pain makes us stronger, makes us know what we want and need, makes us realize what is bad for us, teaches us to run away.

Yes, the string theory does exist, it's just that I've snipped the strings which used to act at shackles around my feet.

Let's dance!

***

Hah! AJ's office might just be relocated to Subang Jaya. How come it's so unfair that he gets to house in the good parts of Subang? Mamee's office is really in the middle of no where!!!

Canticle of Love

2011-10-30T18:26:00.003+08:00

Grace and I went to church today and I ended up uber late because I got lost, yet again. I need to really improve my sense of direction, so frustrating you know!

Service was really amazing -- it was full on 1.5 hours praise and worship, so sometimes, you just need the time to quieten down. I spent the last 3 minutes praying for God to give me a new direction in life; to bring someone who will make me smile again; and for me to understand that I need to make Him the centre of my universe.

***

Hansen joined Grizzy and I for lunch today... and I was telling Hansen how retarded I have been. No, I really have, haven't I? Gosh, seriously... and we take a walk in Far East Plaza and I tell him a couple of things I wouldn't normally divulge to others. He laughs, and I laugh too. How stupid have I been? Hah.

***

Grace shared with the the Canticles of Love as shared in church by Pastor:

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.

Brothers and sisters,
Let love be genuine and live in harmony;
Hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good.
Outdo one another in showing honour;
Be humble and never conceited.

Love is stronger than death
And jealousy is cruel as the grave
Floods cannot drown love
And wealth cannot by it.

Put love above all else;
Let Christ's peace rule your hearts.
Always be forgiving,
As Christ has forgiven you
Love is not jealous or boastful;
Arrogance, ride, or stubborn,
Irritable, resentful, or possessive.
Love is patient and kind.

Do not love in word or speech only;
Love also in deed and truth.
Receive each other in sincerity,
Find mercy and grow old together.

Love rejoices in the right;
It bears, believes, hopes,
And endures all things,
For love is faithful and endless.

When the Lord builds the house,
The labour is never in vain.
Happy are those who take refuge in God;
Those who serve the Lord are redeemed.

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.

***

I need to keep the faith...

I sting like a bee

2011-10-29T03:08:00.000+08:00

I think today, I said something insensitive to Anthony. But I had no choice but to do it.

He was starting to call me "baby", and it's not right. I cannot be part of his act of cheating, especially when he has a girlfriend now.

I've tolerated for some while now, the fact that he calls me with very endearing names, but I guess today I sort of snapped.

I told him that he has to sort out his life before he decides what he wants to do with me. He cannot have 2 legs on 2 boats -- that doesnt work for me.

And even if he sorts things out with jessica, I cannot promise him anything. My mother will not approve of someone that much older than me, and that's the truth.

The ground rules have to be set -- I cannot play a part in his break up with his gf. I would not be able to live with it, I cannot put someone through that. Whatever happens between that has to stay between them, I do not want to be involved because that would send me straight to hell.

So the ground rules have to be set -- no intimate name calling for starters.

Is this the right thing to do? I hope he understands, I don't mean to hurt him, I just dont know how else to day it...

***

Some things that made me smile this week :)

Ricky Kim

2011-10-28T01:19:00.000+08:00

Can u believe that after 10 years, I still have a crush on Ricky Kim?

What is wrong with me, OMG, I should get over it. And seeing him today didn't help.

Anne is the sweetest thing ever, remembering to invite me for his bday surprise!

***

I had a really shite day at work today, shipment screwed up, need to spend extra money trying to ship some extra products to Australia. I had to rush back home from the doctor, didn't even get to see him, for my sore eyes. it's getting worse. I hate getting sore eyes.

***

I was looking forward to community service to teach the kiddos this wkend, but it's been cancelled. Next session is mind November. Kills my mood. At least Angie will be cycling with me this Saturday...

***

I have many things on my mind at the moment. I am trying to stay strong, but somehow my mind wonders at the state of my life right now. Am I exactly where I want to be? Really? No.

I'm gonna quit nagging

2011-10-24T02:30:00.006+08:00

I have finally found out what my problem is - thank you NY times.

Story of my life... anyway tired now, just got home -- Ill write more tomorrow on what happened.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/04/science/04angier.html

***

So yesterday, Grace, Dork and AJ and I were at Maccas at ECP and somehow I started nagging about what they should and shouldn't do. I told Grace not to cycle in blind corners, told AJ not to sleep too late, and told Dorcas not to cycle without bicycle lights. I think what J said is true, I do nag a lot, and I don't even realize it. When Grace mentioned, realization hit me. I need to stop nagging. I am becoming someone I don't even know anymore. Even if I care for them, nagging isn't the best way to put that forward.

***

I saw Jeeves post on FB about his BKK trip. If things were like they were 6 months ago, I would too be discussing the BKK trip. This will be the first time in 4 years that i will not be going to watch the pretty fireworks in BKK on new years. I feel sad. For some reason, I feel really depressed. I have to admit, I miss Ming. But I believe too, that the only way you can truly get over someone, is to fall for someone else. Guess J did take my mind off ming quite a lot for the last what - 4 months? But perhaps, J also made me realize more how good Ming was a a partner.. and I find myself back to square one, where I started out from. Lost. I don't like this feeling.

Mymind seems quite occupied with things I worry about still, although I know I shouldnt -- but I still am a worry wart. I need to kick this habit soon, it is eating me up. I can't control everything, I need to let go.

But I think I have improved, I am slowly starting to see clearer, and it is uncanny that strangers have suddenly entered my life to help me "recover". Unlikely strangers who have turned into friends. God must still have a place in His heart for me, truly. I am blessed.

We deserve to be happy, we are good people, but sometimes life just isn't fair. But if we go on lamenting that life treats us badly, we will only spiral down, and that's not what I plan to do.

Anthony asked me to write down 5 promises to myself, I have, and I think he is helping me to take stock and keep accountable for them:

1) I need to be less critical of myself
2) I need to grow closer to God
3) I need to stop falling for men that only hurt me and do not know how to treat me as I should be treated
4) I need to spend more time with my family
5) I need to stop being jealous of people who are better than me

There are Target promotional codes available for music.

The Gift of Giving

2011-10-22T23:20:00.001+08:00

I think it is truly better to give than to receive... today has been absolutely splendid!

After the session with the kids at Whampoa today, I felt as if I have found, yet again, my passion. It must be true that my heart lies with children. Somehow, I must have been born that way because there is no greater joy than to see a child smile. I think that the segment on the board games brought out the kid in me, I think I was more excited than any of the children present. It was fun!

I passed AJ the golf balls I had initially got for J. You see, I had to give it away. it was sitting in my car, reminding me of how even when overseas, I remember to get him something I'd knew he's like. Initially, I was apprehensive because I didn't know whether or not AJ would take it the wrong way -- giving him "2nd hand goods". But you see, I really couldn't allow myself to look at the balls any longer + I figured through my little interaction with AJ so far, that he must be a nice person enough not to be petty at taking someone's gift. it was brand new afterall!

I went with AJ for lunch and it reminded me that there may be good men left - maybe just a few of them, but they do exist.

***

I also had a massage over the wk, and my masseur said that she was OK with her husband cheating as long as he brought home the bacon and loved her children - REALLY?

What has the world come to? Is this the new standard to live by? I refuse. It is absurd. Completely unacceptable and unbelievable that a woman would allow that. She told me that the shorter a leash you put on them, the more they would rebel. Why even use the word leash???

***

Baby Camille is the most lovable baby. She smells lovely and has the most gentle personality. I think she will surely grow up to be a fine lady.

Dressing Up

2011-10-21T11:49:00.001+08:00

I'm going to dress Dorcas up tonight and transform her in the beautiful swan she is inside and has been hiding all along. Show her off to some boys, show them her swag :)

Tonight, we celebrate. Tonight, we live to live, just a little bit more. Tonight, we fly.

***

Isn't she gorgeous? We went swimming this evening -- then had the most awesome time at Witbier... then went to chong qing hot pot! Ahhhh the memories from chong qing hot pot comes flooding back.. has it been 6 months?

Pics from our KTV session. 3 girls being as crazy as can be. Dorky said I was emo. But really deep down, I just wanted to dance away all my worries. And that's exactly what we, or rather, I did :)

Need to hurry read lesson plan for tomorrow's session! Im so excited! XOXO

330AM Victim vs. Victor

2011-10-21T03:41:00.002+08:00

Its 330am now -- I have just gotten back from ECP. It's amazing, sitting on the bench, breeze against one's face, with a dear friend. I love heart to heart sessions.

As we walked along ECP, Dork with her bike pulled along, I felt as if there was so much more to live for. Why confine myself and cramp my style?

Somehow when life hands me lemons, God always beings someone into my life to make everything OK. I missed Anthony's call and God provides me another lifeline in the form of Dorcas. I can talk to this girl about anything under the sun. And you know what, beneath that tough exterior, she is exactly like me -- jello.

So I guess everyone, in some way or another, builds up walls around them, to protect them from hurt and to keep them from feeling vulnerable. Even someone who seems as strong as Dorcas does something like that. So then I mustn't be that bad after all.

***

I picked my parents up from the airport today from their flight back from Korea, I was happy to see them. Somehow although I'm hardly in Singapore, the home is a lot quieter (and messier) without them.

***

I think that cheating is the worst thing one can do to a partner. It's complete betrayal of trust -- it's travesty! Sometimes I wonder how one can have the moral conscience of cheating on a partner, it's just inconceivable to me. But J told me that in Asia, it is common and acceptable for men to cheat. Why didn't it click then? But it's no point confronting anymore... what;s done is done...

***

Gerri was so sweet to write me and email today. I told her that until I meet a real good guy, I'm going to be as happy as happy can be -- because there are 1001 things to celebrate in this life, I shan't waste a moment wallowing. Her reply comes in and brings a smile to my face. She is the cutest thing, so girl power right?? :) My friends are my ROCK. I might not completely agree with her, I think no man is an island and really, sometimes you need to give of yourself first to get back love in return -- r u willing to risk it though?

"Er... NO!

You are gonna be as happy as you can be guy OR not!

Estee! You are your own person. I know you would love a great guy and set up a perfect family, but you need to understand that you a COMPLETE, amazing human being on your own! Perfectly capable of the greatest happiness and the lowest lows ..

A guy may make you happy, estee, but he may not. Your happiness is very much determined by who you ARE, how you live your life and what you do with the choice and free will that we are so, very privileged to have.. ..AND FROM WHAT I’VE SEEN, YOU ARE DOING A ONE HELLUVA KICK-ASS JOB.

Then whichever guy comes along and sweeps you off your feet, they are sweeping you WHOLE. 100% estee. He might make you Estee Squared. But you are Estee- full and complete on your own, guy or not…in fact. You are SPECIAL.

I will write a longer letter but have to rush some work – will def be camping here.

I will tell you when I see you. I need to impress upon you the hard truths of life – which is that you already rock. Solo."

***

I can't wait for this weekend, let's just say I'm gonna rock it for what it's worth! Can't hardly waaaiiittt!!! :) Let's just say I love eye candy!

Guardian Angel

2011-10-20T00:47:00.006+08:00

God must still love me and care for me -- I must be doing something right.

I met a guardian angel today and everything has changed. And it will only look better in time.

My vision has been cleared -- I see things 6/6 now. Yes, it still hurts, but the hurt will only subside. And truly, whatever has happened, I only have myself to blame. I was too trusting, too naive, and just wanted to "do the right thing" -- which happens to be completely opposite of what is good for me. I don't feel used in one bit actually -- but instead, I feel as if I've paid an expensive price to learn a lesson I should have already known. And life goes on...

He is right, absolutely. I am too trusting, too naive, and always think the best of others. People might use me for my kindness and good nature, but I am happy to make others happy. If that makes me glad, then why should that make me feel rotten?

But it's never too late to want to be happy, isn't it? I can't turn back the hands of time, but I sure can move along with it...

No longer will I shed a tear for anyone who doesn't know how to treat me right. No more will I be the weakling I am -- and you know what? This time I'm not just paying lip service, this time I mean it.

Thank you for answering my prayers and helping to open my blind eyes. Maybe you are yet to answer all of it, but for a start, I'm thankful.

I am happy, as happy as can be! Freedom. No regrets. None. Amazing times ahead! Please remind me to always hold my head up, no matter what the circumstance...

To begin with, I'm going to start my volunteer work all over again -- I've stopped for a bit because I got distracted by certain things, but it's time to get the wheels cranking, starting from this Saturday with tutoring children. I think AJ is going to come too. Too bad Gerri isn't - it would be even more fab! I am excited, children give me meaning. I need to focus on what makes me happy -- children.

One day -- Just one day, it'll be my turn to shine...

A ribbon around my pinky

2011-10-19T05:11:00.005+08:00

This is to remind me that I've had way too many sleepless night. I rouse at 4AM only because I cannot sleep any longer, despite having to fly out to KL in just a bit, my heart is heavy.

Just at that time, my guardian angel whatsapps me and she says she might just join me in KL later in the day. We will meet AJ for dinner there - I think it is going to be a fun night out. but I digress.

It is only Wednesday and once again, I find myself discontent with the state of my life, wondering why am I being put through this test. If I could turn back the hands of time 4 months back, or even, 6 months, would I have changed a thing? Maybe I would have. Just maybe.

Actually these trips to KL are good for me, they give me some time away from life in Singapore -- from everything in general. I must love pain because despite complaining so much, maybe I quite enjoy it, the pain I mean. Perhaps that is why I keep torturing myself.

I look into the mirror and brush my teeth. Ouch. They hurt. I have just snapped on a new pair of invisaligns last night before I slept, the dull ache reminds me of the state of my life. But also reminds me about my post about invisaligns a few weeks ago -- how they serve as a parallel on how pain moulds one self to be better, harder, stronger. I hesitate before putting on my aligners again, right after brushing my teeth, they feel sore, I don't want to snap them back on. I want a break. My gums hurt so much, maybe I just want to cry. I look at the mirror again, wow my teeth have really become a lot straighter since 6 months ago when I started my very first pair of aligners. I run my fingers through the entire row of bottom teeth, just one more tooth needs to really get shifted in, then I'll have straight teeth, for good.

See? Once again, my aligners have come to "save the day". Isn't that the story of my life now? Just need to correct this one portion, then everything will be "aligned" -- pun intended.

I snap my aligners back on again, close my eyes, as I feel the pain soar through my gums and right into my temples. Ouch. They do hurt, but I have to snap them on nonetheless. Just another 4 months more, and it'll be perfect.

I head back to bed and toss and turn, and tell Dorcas I am grieved for the same reason as I have been for some time. The thing is that when I am with him -- next to him -- I am happy, but when I am not, it feels as if I'm not even there. it's inconsistent, its unacceptable.

He goes to KL for 3 days and I don't hear from him and he says, its because he wanted to give me some "space". Maybe he is the one that really needs it, so for the last time, can I please wake up my idea? I have to give him what he wants, and give myself a break. I need to run through in my mind why I have come to this conclusion -- why he is bad for me, why I need to run as far as my feet will carry me. But you see, I need to work with him for another 3 months, how do I keep things professional? I just have to steel my will and suck it up.

I am supposed to write less of him, but somehow, I feel this is my only avenue to express any sort of grief to anyone, it's the only way I can show how imperfect I am. So I shall remind myself that I am better without him because

1) I will be able to sleep more without a heavy heart on my pillow
2) I will be able to be free to explore other options
3) I have closed the door on too many options because of him (how dumb)
4) I need to catch up on lost time
5) He is too old, he doesn't have energy for me
6) He is inconsistent -- I am at a stage of my life when I need consistency
7) I do not think he likes children -- and I adore kids
8) He is cold
9) I need to be happy once again
10) He doesn't know how to care for me (in the way I want it)
11) He has too many excuses; and I make too many for him
12) I deserve someone who can treat me like I am special

Need I name more?

I'm thinking now, who should I give the golf balls to? He definitely doesn't deserve my goodwill.
Maybe I'll give them to AJ -- he is awesome at golf too, and it will make someone happy.

Can I please not waver in my decision anymore? I am like a ship tossing at sea. I am indecisive, I am too weak most of the times, especially when I need to be strong.

My aligners will only hurt for a few more days until my next one comes, and so will my heart, so I just need to toughen it up, suck it up and soon all this will be history. Never forget. Never. Don't look back please, you know you will only melt.

I said a specific prayer last night before going to bed, God please answer me.

I hope Dorcas comes to KL with stay with me tonight, I HATE the loneliness. It's Loud.

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A few things

2011-10-17T13:40:00.005+08:00

I have learnt a few things from the Hong Kong Trip, many things I already knew of, but perhaps the trip has come at a right time to concertize things for me:

1) I have many good friends
They are the most important things to me. When the going gets tough, who has been there for me? To my bestest friends however often we talk, you are always close to my heart. Though ZC, to D, to Ming and then to J.. you have always been there, whenever they walked out. I love you all: Shimei Lau, Cheryln Chang, Grace Tan, Gerri Ding, Jessie Chew, Nicole Hu, Dorcas Chia....

2) Small Gestures
Jon sent me flowers all the way to Hong Kong from London. I texted him a couple of times to thank him, but no response... Jon if you are reading this all the way from London, TQ! You know when I say you're pompous, I don't really mean it right? Who am I kidding? You are! :)

3) I need R&R
I was supposed to meet Ben, Anthony and Hansen during the trip. CC and I could have also met Schmoll, but we were too tired from shopping and the last thing we wanted to do was to club and get all crazy... so this R&R trip really turned out to be nothing but R&R -- which is great.

We did manage to meet Hansen, though.. which was good for me because I hadn't seen him in a while and somehow, he makes me feel like he is a friend that I can talk to... and I was happy he got to meet CC and her mother. He brought me to this "sim lim square" looking place... overwhelming with IT gadgets. And the funniest thing he said to me was "In this place, you can be sure the guys wont check you out - Geekville!" :)

He also managed to bring me to this golf shop and I got some golf balls for J. Hansen sure came in handy because I don't know a flying fcuk about golf.

4) My love for shopping has been reignited!
I bought so many new colours of nail polish.. and oh my, Hong Kong has the best lingerie and lace bras! They are amazing! I got my sister and I a pair of cute CK boxers too, so cute!

5) A mother's LOVE
I saw CC's mom care for the whole troop of us like we were part of her brood. It's so nice. It indeed is true that although they have the means to spend more than a typical family -- a mother's love is uniform across the board. I see how CC's mom treats CC, and I see that is the exact same way mum would treat me and Esther. A mother's love is sacrificial and unconditional, no matter what social strata you come from. Although my parent are in Korea now traveling, I hope they are safe and have fun. I want to be a good mother one day, exactly like the examples I have encountered.

6) J
I think he is a person of little words. Which leaves me wondering: is it because he doesn't care for me, or is it because this is him? Sometimes I wish I would hear from him more... but I have realized that if I centre my life around someone else, I will never truly love the person I am. And this new perspective I'm adopting is making me happier (but more selfish as well))... is this wrong?

7) Don't sweat the small stuff
And the sun always will seem that much brighter...

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground?

I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
'Cause I'm just trying to be happy, ya
Just wanna be happy, ya

So it is true, I just want to be happy. I think J doesn't know what I want or what I need -- I constantly feel that one moment he is hot, the other he is cold. And it's just irresponsible. It's not something I can live with. So I'm going to tell him today... that I just want to be happy... so I'm gonna have to do my own thing from now on. No more bending over backwards to make him happy. I've made way too many excuses for him. But the truth is that I really AM too good for him. He doesn't know how to appreciate it. And I'm better of spending my time and effort on someone who should actually matter! How do I know that? I just know.

***

I went to Orchard Towers with Jon, H, beautiful Cornelia and her newborn baby Camille last night. And oh my god. I saw so many beautiful lady boys. Seriously, I've realized I can't even tell men from women now. Jon was going GAGA over them, all these thai ladyboys... they really are hot. Cornelia and I were sitting there feeling like we couldn't match up at all. What an irony.

You should have seen Jon's jaw drop and how he blushed whenever a hottie walked by. I? I just wanted to eat my dinner, and cradle baby Camille in my arms. She is beautiful... isn't she?

I walked out of the place feeling really jaded -- and I stated to try to count the men I know who wouldn't be charmed by these she-males... must be hard, since they are really gorgeous.. I could probably only think of a handful of men (not even 5) who I think can be trusted.. it is true isn't it? You don't need a bevy of men. You just need ONE GOOD ONE.

CC told me, it's just one. ONE. UNO. It sure is gonna take a truckload of luck then. And I'm just feeling stone cold.

***

Hong Hong Hong Kong Kong Kong

2011-10-14T13:38:00.001+08:00

Hong Kong tonight, babyyyyyyyy!

Seriously, it's going to be MAYHEM. Paint the town blood red.

It's gonna be amazinggggggg!!

Me and my girl! <3

***

ST has been contacting me again, with very weird propositions. I don't think I'm into such stuff -- but its weird that he is even asking. Even if its just a meal together, I wonder why I even feel so curious...

DELETE

2011-10-13T13:50:00.000+08:00

I have a good mind to delete this blog. Just some days ago, I privatized it, only because J stumbled upon it! Shock, horro, total mayhem. SOoooo many things here are so personal, its hard to think that someone would be able to see me in all that tranparency.

Most of the people who read don't know me anyway, or are from some other country I dont even know where on a map, or of a name I can't even pronounce. But then after 2 days, I decided to make this blog public again.. there are too many strangers reading this, that have become my friends. And I would be too selfish to have privatized it. Afterall, yes sometimes I am ashamed of my problems and hate to have to spell it out for the world, but somehow, it does provide some sort of cartharsis.

So after spending hours on the phone with TMT and CC, the whole bunch of us girls finally convince them to get back together and give it another shot. And so I find out that they do! And the world is a happy place for me once again! Im really happy for her because I really like TMT a lot -- he is good for her.

I am going on a whirlwind trip to HK for CC this weekend, supposed to be a trip to help heal her (and mybe somehow also my) broken heart, but now it will turn into a trip of celebration! :)

I think partially I wanted to go so much because I want to plan my life around me and no one else.

AHOY!

"Killed it"

2011-10-11T17:12:00.001+08:00

The difference between "KILL IT" and "KILLED IT" is whether or not the act has been done.

Well Done.

I think I might have just contributed to the break up of CC and TMT. Maybe very indirectly although neither of them might admit it.

I sent her a message to tell her to forgive and forget -- and her response?

"I can love wholeheartedly, freely and truly. I did with David. And I did, with TMT. I put all into out relationship. Everything. That's also why I will have no regrets no matter what happens. But I have this thing. Once the person I love does something to deeply hurt me, all that love, that energy and that force, gets automatically channeled into ejecting myself out of that love so I don't have to feel any pain or hurt. That's why I can "get over" someone so easily. It is like a super fast forward push. Auto eject. Married then different - stuck with the fucker."

I want to learn how to be on her ship, for once. Although I want to be as strong as her, my heart is too soft, I forgive to easily and forget too quickly. They should clone the both of us to find some middleground...

***

CT told me today that she had a one night stand on thursday night. She can't even remember how the guys looks like, other than she met him at Avalon and the rest was history. I had 1001 questions to ask her, only because I can never imagine how you can just sleep with someone, walk out the next day and feeling nothing. Maybe I'm quite a psycho closed minded person, but seriously, I could never go home with a guy I just met from a club for a romp. It's like... er.. weird.. and some what insane.

How do girls do this? Sometimes I wonder, am I being too closed minded for my own good? I think I am a lot less experienced that a typical girl my age... it's uncanny someone can just msg me so nonchalently... why settle for short term pleasure?

I have sinned

2011-10-10T19:45:00.006+08:00

What have I done?
I have singlehandedly destroyed everything!
What have I done? What have I done?

Please let me turn back time, guilt is eating at my heart. On overdrive.

***

So I find out maybe it is not so much about what I do, but what I do to make things right.
Seriously....

***

He calls his daughter on the phone to say goodbye and the next thing he does is tries to wink at me repeatedly on the plane. Even the flight stewardess feels embarrassed for me.

And all over again I find myself in an uncomfortable situation with the wrong man. I have learnt to quicken my pace and refrain from eye contact. That sometimes works, unless he is too thick to get the point.

***

TY get engaged, wow, how time flies.

Should have known you were trouble from the very start...

2011-10-08T10:10:00.000+08:00

What you don't understand is I'd catch a grenade for you
Throw my hand on a blade for you
I'd jump in front of a train for you
You know I'd do anything for you

See I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight thru my brain
yes I would die for you baby
But you won't do the same

***

Does going out a lot mean that I'm insecure?
Does it mean that I can't be alone?
It is true I go out a lot to meet my girlfriends... but it's just that we're so close...
It gives me a lot of comfort to be with them.
They listen, never criticize, never say a harsh word, never make me sad...

Why should I feel angry?

2011-10-06T06:30:00.000+08:00

When all we need is love....

***

Up at 5AM in the morning to clear work emails, I have been so tired recently. Maybe it's the late nights, and the traveling must be getting to me.

I got back at 630PM last night and crashed at 7PM -- only to be awaken by my alarm at 5AM. I think there are many things I need to catch up on, not only sleep.

3 days in KL is bad for my social life, and many other things. I feels sometimes almost disconnected from Singapore, at times.

But I've become so accustomed to this clockwork of going back and forth that sometimes, I just so through the motions without thinking...

***

I was picked up by a high ranking person from some television broascasting company 2 days ago as I flew into KL. Let's just say he was pretty aggressive -- and he had a ring on his finger. I had to turn him down like 5 times over 15 mins? I feel somewhat jaded at the world. Married man? On business trips? I hope this is not typical of married men.

On the cab off to office, my mind was swirling around, drowning in thoughts. Are there any good men left? There must be very few, where do they reside?

Spoilt Rotten

2011-10-03T17:01:00.001+08:00

I stumbled on an acquaintance's blog and I begin scrolling and trolling pages after pages of words and pictures imprinted on my screen.

They are of her bf and her, his presents to her, her life, how perfect it is... after trolling for about 15 minutes, I notice that she hasnt written anything negative at all. She just effuses about how her bf loves her, how they are perfect for each other, etc.

And I can't help but to shake my head and wonder, is this the life she really leads, or is this merely what she wants others to see her as? Don't even get me started on her horrendously broken English and bad grammar. To think we took the same course in college - I'm even ashamed to be in the same class as her. Gosh, she needs to go back to English language class.

Oh no, it's not that I'm jealous of her life -- no I swear I'm not. I wouldn't trade places with her at all, only for the reason that I think that although she has quite a nice body, she is quite stupid and very very shallow. Anyway, I digress. My initial point was that blogs have now become impersonal. Bloggers with large readership write what they know their readers want to read - how many actually write what they actually feel? Anyhoo, maybe there's only a handful. I hope I will not ever "sell out".

***

Grace and I had a lot of heart to heart time this weekend. Perhaps I see myself in her, I see the me that I was 10 years ago. How times have changed. How my eyes have opened, how I have grown up. I pray Grace will find someone who will love her and treat her well. And in that same vein, that I will find someone like that as well.

So Sue calls me this AM and tells me she has someone to matchmake me with. I think I have the best friends in this world, they care so much for me! hah!

***

I took the MRT home this morning and got a lot of thinking done on the train. The thing about train trips that I love so much is that it allows me to slow down, and just digest the things have have been happening in my life; where I'm going, what I'm doing. I guess there needs to be a facelift soon.

Cheryln's mother said to me "Trust God". I think I should.

***

In other very very bizarre news today, Sherwayn contacted me and made a very very wild proposition. I think he was joking, but I guess Ill only know if I find out. I should meet him for dinner next week, just to see how things pan out. Sometimes I wonder if he really is Ming Shen's friends or not -- with friends like him, don't need enemies already.... CODE R(A)...

Put up the wall

2011-09-26T08:56:00.007+08:00

I need to put up that wall again, immediately. Don't crumble.

***

My mother asked me if Ming and I could have the chance is making it work once more. And also yesterday, I received a formspring question on whether I saw a chance of us getting back together because this person thought we complemented each other.

It's very hard to verbalize what caused the demise of the relationship -- there were many factors, but one major one which I cannot say. All I know is during the 4 years together, he made me very happy. I almost don't even remember us fighting a lot, or even ever.

I pray God blesses him in whatever he does - he has a heart of gold.

Tomorrow, 27th Sept, if we had survived, we would have made it past the 4 year mark.

Ming, where ever you are, you probably don't remember the date, I know you are terrible at dates, probably don't remember, but I wish you all the best :)

***

I have decided that I will not blog about J so often now. When ever I do, it makes me strong and weak at the same time. Strong because I dare to share, weak because I relive a lot of memories. I think I have learnt some things over this weekend, which I need to sit down, digest and put into practice. I keep thinking I've learnt something, but keep getting confused with whatever it is I have learnt -- does that make sense? I really am in the process of learning and relearning. I need to be as nimble as possible, my time is running out. I don't want to snap. I just want peace and to be happy. Please?

***

And so my "lover" might come with me to KL tomorrow, we'll see!

I NEED TO...

2011-09-25T02:06:00.002+08:00

password protect my blog... seriously...

Anyone knows how to do this on blogger?

***

I'm starting to think that there are many people who read my blog, when I never intended for them to. And there is this urgency to censor what I write -- but blogger doesnt allow for censorship. What crap. When xanga and wordpress allow password protected posts, blogger doesn't? Seriously...

F1 was effing amazing! The sky suite was awesome, I could really get used to being treated like royalty, the corporate massage, the awesome food and treatment. Man, it's DA LIFE.

My friends are awesome to bring me to cool events like these, dayam I am lucky!

***

Dorcas asked me what kind of submissive person I am. She said is it the "wear the pink dress, not the green one", "have chicken, not fish", "strip naked on the floor and roll around" kind? Made me laugh a ton! She is a crazy biiattchh. But somehow I feel so comfortable with her, no pretenses, just super cool. I have been hanging out with her almost all weekend, she is like my lesbian partner. Seriously, I spend more time with her than any other girl I think. The last 3 weekends I have spent almost entirely with her, but we have so much fun cracking up anyway, time pasts so fast.

We went to awfully chocolate today for supper and basically laughed the house down. Grace was on hot date with Huei, Gerri off somewhere, CC off with Ming, Candice with jamie, and that left Dorkie and I. But what the hell, I think gfs play a part in your life that a man can never take.

I'm started to have so much fun on weekends, and I feel that I'm beginning to live again. And I think I've just about found out the secret -- never plan your life around someone else. Plan your life around you. Simple.

This is going to be a fab wkend!

This Time

2011-09-22T15:17:00.001+08:00

I love Pia!

A lot to learn

2011-09-20T22:03:00.001+08:00

A reader and friend sent me a really long FB message, which really really touched me.

I have been too hard for too long, need to put some softlan to soften this stone cold heart of mine...

" But someone wise told me to love fiercely, but don't expect. Sounds silly right? Of course I would expect him to be devoted to me in exchange! But gradually, I changed my mindset to be as such:

Love and trust your man wholeheartedly, without holding back. We hold back and kill our feelings because we don't want to be hurt. But rather than killing my feelings, I shall kill my expectations. I shall love happily, with all my heart and soul, without expecting anything back. If he loves me back, I am blessed, and this is man I am meant to be with. If he does not, or does things that are hurtful, then I am blameless, because I have not driven him to that end, and he is simply not The One. And I move on.

In retrospect, I think I overwhelmed my husband with love. He's dated >10 women before me, but I was the only one who moved him enough to love me back."

Could I be that lucky person, to change somebody -- anybody?

Fortress & Tribute

2011-09-19T15:17:00.003+08:00

I am so fortunate that I have a fortress of friends around me. I must be doing something right.

Someone, I forget who, told me that I can't rely on my friends forever. One day, they will all get married and have families of their own. And then our friendships will be different. I kinda agree, and that makes me sorta sad, but then I can't help but to treasure it while it lasts.

They have always been my emotional cushion, my inflatable life vest. When ever life hands me lemons, I know that they will always be there for me. At least to give me a whole box of Kleenex or be a shoulder to cry on. Or to laugh with, the amount I have laughed with them, my gosh, I'll never get enough of them.

Anthony told me he has 10 people in his life he always talks to, or keeps in contact with.

I started to think about the 10 people I know who I can call. As I went though my list, I started to realize that majority of them were females, I hardly know any male friend I can call (save 1 or 2). And it's queer. I think I have begun to become very cynical when it comes to males. Even as friends, I tend to keep them at bay, maybe its because males have the tendency to make me cry, so fug that shit.

Sometimes I think I am over reliant on the people around me. I should be more independent, and much stronger, but somehow, when problems arise, when I am happy, I can't help but to pick up the phone or send a message to the people I love. Is it a sign of weakness? What would happen to me if they weren't around.

I was feeling really crappy yesterday (Sunday) PM, and Dorkie volunteered to accompany me to watch Stupid Crazy Love at Great World City. Shouldn't have chosen that mall, but the show times were great for us, and there hardly is a crowd there. Brought back a lot of memories with Ming and J. The millions of time Ming and I went to the furniture shops, the bookshops, I think we must have spent a couple of days there in all if you total the amount of time we went there. I miss Ming. He will always be my soulmate. And I will always remember him saying to me when J first made me cry -- "Soulmates never lose each other". And he is right. He will forever live on in my heart even when we are no longer together. It's amazing how much I care about him still. We will never be together again, but I will always want the best for him, there is no bitterness, no pain. Perhaps this is what perfect love is.

When I walked past the Ben & Jerry's, I had to look away. There is still pain, I admit. I am weak, dammit. I had to pull Dorkie away and ask her to speed up as we walked past B&J. It is funny, but I admitted to J that I still pray for him everyday for his work. It's funny how I can do that. And somehow I think it is foolish of me. Why should I want God to bless those who have hurt me? But I have developed this uncanny ability to pray for someone even though I feel hurt when I think of them in other situations. Its like when I am praying for someone, there is no more pain, I am in a state of zen. Maybe God is showing me what is the meaning of unconditional love. To love thy neighbour as yourself. Ah...

***

Anthony called me last night to chat. I think he knew that my heart was heavy and I wasn't in the best state of mind. All I wanted to do was sleep. Sleeping is amazing. You get to rest, pass time, and most importantly, you don't think, you don't feel. I slept a total of 14.5 hours. Bliss.

Before I slept, I remember whatsapping Jon all the way in the UK. Its funny how some of the male friends I talk to/share things with aren't even in Singapore. I wonder if it is an unconscious way of keeping male friends away from me. They can't hurt me if they are offshore! Crap, I really am damaged, aren't I?

***

Off to KL tomorrow for war. I feel sometimes I am fighting a constant battle. But I will die another day.

***

Estella is taking me out today to meet her friend. You see, what goes around does come around. I remember when she was freshly single and nursing a heart break, I took her out, and introduced her to 2 elligible guys. Although then Gerald was interested in me, I was happy if Estella would want to go out with either of them. Don't play play ok. Both good catches. Although nothing worked out between them, somehow, she has kept me in mind, and now she wants to play matchmaker. Actually, come to think of it, my friends have always played an active role in playing matchmaker for me. I think I have met more men in these 2 weeks than I have in the last 3 months combined. But you see, it doesn't matter to me at all, the last thing I want to do is give my heart to some jerk/player/philanderer/smooth operator. My heart is weak, I am old - I'd rather wait for the right one. No flings, nothing. Not interested in short term shit. You girls go ahead without me, thank you very much.

And the truth is that maybe they are really desperate for me to hook up with some guy, or to get over whatever stupid remains the sinews of my heart cling on to. But I know deep down inside, they really care for me. Which brings me back to how much I love and appreciate my girl friends. What would I do without you girls?

And now Alex is trying to introduce me to his investment banker cousin. I asked how old, he said "35". My theory stands that single men over 35 all have some problem that prevents them from keeping proper relationships with women. Auto REJECT.

***

Shimei's bible college graduation is this Thursday and there is nothing more I look forward to this week than Thursday night. I can't wait to see her up on stage, I will be so proud. How much we have grown up this year. From girls to women...

Jas and the truth + ANA!

2011-09-15T18:11:00.002+08:00

Met Jas and Hansen for lunch today.

And in the car, Jas told me the most horrible thing ever.

"Babe, you know that most men cheat right? most of my friends are not happy in their marriages. You should see what goes on in KTVs, when I go entertaining, the men just lap it up. I will never date anyone from my industry"

I must live in a bubble. A HUGE bubble.

I told her then and there to get married to Chin.

Let's hope it happens soon, she deserves to be happy!

And I refuse to be jaded. Avoid the obvious at all costs!

***

Children are so lucky, can you believe this is the playground at Sembawang Shopping Centre???

***

I have fallen for the smartest girl in history. Meet Anna and her tooth bag :) She has just lost 3 teeth!

***

This has started to be a good month. Sally and I smashed our sales target!

Injustice & Resilience

2011-09-14T22:29:00.004+08:00

I am very very unhappy, very very angry. Part of me wants to go ballistic. I feel moral injustice for a friend and I am so tempted to go on all media platforms to shame a particular person, but I bite my tongue and hold my fingers back, because it is not the right thing to do. An eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind.

Pete Michell, Regional Director of Neo@Ogilvy beat up my friend last night. When I met him late at night, he was so flustered, his lip cut up, his pants torn up, shirt stained, and his car dented in so many places. How can someone have the guts to do that to someone else, for no reason whatsoever?

And I know I'm going on a racist rant here, but if you are a foreigner, and if you think you can come here and think yourself superior to us Singapore citizens, you can go home. Take your family and leave this place, we don't want you. You need to respect us, as we respect you. This is NOT your home, it is somewhere you are staying temporarily, so don't trifle with us.

I am angry, my blood is boiling, I want this guy to pay for what he has done to my friend, the audacity. Go back to the UK, it doesn't matter how high a post you hold in however big a company - you are trash if you don't have the decency to own up to your faults. Man up and pay for your mistakes, if not you will risk being deported. We might earn less than you, but that doesn't give you the right to think we are any less. Remember, if you're so damn good, your own country would have kept you. The cream of the crop are never allowed to leave.

Hansen and I spent the night with Jon, talking to him, and just allowing him to rant. He had so much anger and pent up emotions, he just needed to let it out. To think I had to drive to Melaka at 6AM in the morning... I was exhausted, more emotionally than physically.

The thing I admire most about Jon is his immense resilience. He has been through a lot more than a normal person. His parents died in a plane crash when he was young, and within the last year, his gf cheated on him, he got caught for driving while on his cell, he lost his new iphone, he got rejected by a girl he liked, he lost his job, got cheated of a sum of money by a "friend", crashed his own car, bought a new car and had to service the loan just as he lost his job. If this had happened to a normal person (i.e me), I would have died several times over. But no - he fights on, he perseveres, and despite everything, when we leave him to go home from our outings, and he's always has a smile on his face. I was telling Hansen, we have so much to learn from him.

And I think to myself, my problems are just a speck of dust compared to his. Nothing gets this guy down. I must learn to be like him, be optimistic, and bounce back up.

***

I am doing well, I drove to Melaka and back today and whenever I drive for long stretches, I get to think about my life. I am starting to see things differently; starting to evaluate things from a different perspective. I met Pastor Ong yesterday afternoon and indeed, meeting him always makes me rethink about the priorities in my life - how I need to do some major reshuffling. He is always right, I am hiding, sometimes from myself.

***

I am starting to think that my mind is much more powerful that I had initially thought it to be. I am no longer the weakling I was. Life toughens the spirit, strengthens the mind and will. Cheryln has this ability to kill her heart almost instantaneously, when hurt. Almost as instinctive as when a snail recoils into its shell in danger. I remember when David betrayed her, she killed her heart in 4 days. 4 friggin' days!

A year of memories, happiness, everything, erased in 4 days. Record time. It is a blessing, as well as a curse. A blessing because you are immune to hurt, a curse because you never allow yourself to go through the normal mourning and healing cycle that everyone goes though, you zip past it, and put on the blinders. Block out the hurt, mentally shelve it, move on, harden your heart. Kill it.

I remember on Friday night when me met, she looked me in the eye and said with absolute seriousness "Estee, kill it." There was a silence, as I solemnly accepted - I think a part of me died that moment, the weak part.

Sometimes I fear that I am becoming cold like that as well. I used to mope when relationships fail, lament for a long time, but some how this time, I feel almost that I can clinically kill an emotion, the way an arm gets surgically amputated. A moment is there, the next it is not, and you only feel phantom pain once in a while. And even so, you cast it out and spit on it when any phantom pain arises. Am I becoming a tin man with no heart anymore?

It's not that I don't miss J. I do, and as I am writing this, I wonder what he is up to, how is getting around with his knee banged up. I am still concerned about him, I still care enough for him to worry about his work and the deals he had almost coming through. But just as I type this, I cast this thought out of my head, it doesn't matter what he is up to, he is not coming back, he has chosen his path, I made a vow to leave him alone, give him his space and I will not ever proactively contact him again. And that is the way it will stay. I will not waver, I will not look back and blame myself (as always), lest I turn into a pillar of salt. He has lost a good thing. He can be as cold as he wants, I need to find my own fireplace.

***

It upset me that no children were swimming today in the children's pool as I went to the gym. Where are they, my day feels almost incomplete.

***

I forgive Pete Michell, I shall no more be angry at him. I release my anger. He has hurt me because he has hurt my friend, and I will fiercely protect those I love. I will not apologize for that.

Manic Monday!

2011-09-13T03:09:00.000+08:00

Lets just say as time passes by, I'm learning to remember how my life used to be. Starting to get pieces of it back, slowly but surely. Cheryln sent me an email today that really reminded me of the more important things in life -- I have saved that email for a rainy day just in case I might need it.

I met Anthony, Edwin and a new friend, Chin Chin today for dinner and drinks. I had so much fun, perhaps I had almost forgotten how much fun fun can be! :)

***

In an unrelated point altogether, I love the below song. I know it is about suicide, but I just love her voice, its so crystal clear, ahhhh. Don't worry, it's not like I can relate to it or anything. The lyrics are about this woman killing herself -- don't worry I really just love her voice.

Story of my LIFE

2011-09-12T12:44:00.000+08:00

This song is my song of the moment, OMG, seriously, did Katy Perry write this song for me?!? haha!

Need to get my head out of the gutter! I really wonder what state my life would be without my friends. No one will be able to keep me apart from them, remember that!

You heard me right...

2011-09-12T01:20:00.002+08:00

Been there, done that!

Life Goes On

2011-09-11T12:24:00.002+08:00

Some mornings like this I miss you, but I'll get over it.

Acknowledgement is the first step to recovery!

I think to myself, where are you now, what are you doing, have you eaten, who are you with, how's your injury... Then I catch myself and remove those thoughts, life is too short to sit around thinking of things which aren't productive...

Jon, Hansen, Dorcas, Grace and Jaren made me a very happy yesterday. I haven't had so much fun in ages. I didn't want the day to end, not at all! Goes to show that you can be happy with awesome friends even when you are nursing a heartbreak.

In fact, you absolutely need friends around you - never be alone to ruminate! Look at my lovely friends!

So Dorcas and I somehow just decided we'd go cycling at East Coast park! I haven't cycled in years, seriously. But it was good fun just cycling from one point of the beach to another.

Halfway, Dorcas and I met this awesome bunch of fella at Bedok Jetty and we basically usurped their rods to fish! And oh we were so lucky we caught a TON of fish!!!

Seriously, the amount of fish we caught was amazing! We were really lucky to meet these random men who allowed us to literally kidnap their rods and fish for an hour!!! It was so fun, you know the thrill of reeling up a catch? We caught so many fishies, I was shrieking with excitment!! :)

So Hansen and Jaren join us later for part 2 of cycling - Can you believe Hansen and Dorcas Tandem-biked? The thought of them doing so was so mega hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing initially!

Look at us on the quadrobike! Look Ma, no hands!

Hansen left at 7pm for his tennis lessons, but he had gotten it wrong when he had gone back -- should have joined us at ECP lagoon for dinner! Ooh I bumped into Michael, so he joined us! What a day!

*****

So at night, we went to Royal room with Grace and her gang -- and Hansen and Jon joined us too. I had to keep shuffling from 1 table to another because I didn't want to miss the fun at either. Hansen was getting so dead drunk at 1 table, while I really wanted to know what was going on between Grace and Scott on the other table! Anyways, Jaren was there too and he kept sleazing on Amy (yo, whats new?). Anyway, was awesome fun!

Hansen was so high, he kept dirty dancing with the boys, made me laugh so hard! The last time he was drunk he gave me a lap dance -- not like I minded. And he kept trying to make me touch his butt -- which is very unlike him, since he's so prim and proper in person! I laughed so hard with Jon my sides started to ache. I could hardly even stand straight as Jon was cracking a bunch of sick jokes about some stupid PRC dressed in Hawaiian attire in the club. We headed off to Filter for part 2 and then I don't recollect much anymore after that.

I guess when you're buzzed out, you have too good a time! Oh and I bumped into Esther at Filter *WTH?* and so gave her a ride home. My sister has grown up, hasn't she?

I want to have fun today too, live it up. Forget all the pain, begin to live again! The week ahead and starting to look fab! :)

Cheers to the friggin' weekend!

I'll get better in time... I just hope this will be the last... the walls of my heart are getting thicker...

Judgement Day

2011-09-09T14:15:00.006+08:00

I don't mean to force you, but you leave me with no other choice.

***

you made your choice, I'm not going to fight it. Good bye.

***

I miss you, but I don't miss the fights. I'm livin' it large!

The Letter That WIll Never Reach You

2011-09-08T21:22:00.000+08:00

Dear J:

I have a thousand things to say to you, but I don't have the courage to say it to your face. Maybe it's because it is too painful, or perhaps it is because I think maybe you might get angry with me.

I write this with a heavy heart because over the last 2 days, I thought there was a chance we could be happy. But maybe, as always, foolishness gets the better of me. I want to stay positive, and I want to tell you the many things I would have given up to make you happy, but it is now too late. How do I know that it is too late? I don't know for sure, but it's better for me to put it this way.

When I received you texts last night, I was shocked at what you said to me. I was shocked that you would think me as such a person, I was shocked that you would have even thought I would do things beyond my moral conscience. But you see, part of me thinks that I have allowed you to think that way. And between you and me, we know the reason, because I can't take back the past, I can't change it.

I was deeply heartbroken last night, but then I managed to fall into deep slumber as my head touched the pillow, and you see, I know myself, that is a very very bad sign for me. When things don't keep me up anymore, that is when I start taking count of where I am in a particular situation.

I had to text you this morning to let you know how I felt, the 100th time, but I'm not sure you understand, I'm not sure you will ever get it.

You mean the world to me now, but I just don't know how long I can feel this way anymore...

I'm ready, just so you know.

Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you
So I love you enough to let you go...

If U Don't Feel Right, U're Not Losing Me By Letting Me Know...

2011-09-06T22:59:00.000+08:00

A place to crash, I got you
No need to ask, I got you
Just get on the phone, I got you
Come and pick you up if I have to

What's weird about it is we're right at the end
I'm mad about it, just figured it out in my head
I'm proud to say I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse I got you, I got you

Ain't falling apart or bitter
Let's be bigger than that and remember
The cooling outdoor when you're all alone
Won't survive it, no drama, no need for a show
Just wanna say I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse, I got you

'Cause this is love and life
And nothing we can both control
And if it don't feel right
You're not losing me by letting me know

Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse I got you

A place to crash, I got you
No need to ask, I got you

SKYSCRAPER

2011-09-05T18:09:00.003+08:00

I managed to hit the gym this evening, a very rare occurrence for evenings as normally I make plans if work permits me to leave on time. But today I had a very productive work day. Maybe the amount of workload has just massively increased, thus I have had no choice but to increase my efficiency as well. No more lunches out -- and more of eating food mum has left for me in the kitchen. I even canceled my lunch appt out today because I has too much on my plate!

But anyway, I digress. I had another epiphany today -- perhaps it is because I am starting to think more about life and the circumstances it swings at me, that it is very common for me to have "aha" moments in the gym. This is not the first time! As I jogged on the threadmill, I watch out of the window to see the very familiar children's pool. And I can't help but smile at the families that bring their children to swim at this public pool. I remember when I was much much younger - circa 1991 - dad and mum used to bring Esther and I to this exact same pool to swim. But I was never much of a swimmer you see, and I remember splashing around in the water under their careful supervision. The pool was so different then it was just, a pool. nothing fancy like it is now , the water slides, the mushroom, the fountain, the artificial rocks which change its entire landscape. But nonetheless, as a kid then, I didn't know better, all I knew that it was pure bliss to be allowed to swish around in the pool. (and also to pee in it.. hehe)

I watch as I run, and I break into a smile because the children splashing around have not a care in the world, and I too, was once like that. They live like there's no tomorrow and they don't conserve their emotions as if running on a near empty tank.

Then almost as I sink into deep warm happiness, the lights of the pool gets shut off, without warning and everything around the area turns pitch black. I can hardly even make out the figures in the pool anymore. Then almost instinctively, I feel my heart sink, and I feel a cold, familiar sadness overcome me. So I think to myself as I catch myself before I fall, truly my surroundings affect how I perceive things around me. And sometimes I cast a shadow over all the parts of my life just because one small part isn't going as well as planned. I am a perfectionist, but why should I punish the other areas in my life when one portion isn't fairing as well as it should?

And just as I won't know the exact second when the pool lights will shut down, why not enjoy it while the lights are still up and the children are still frolicking and laughing? Tomorrow will worry for itself, live for the moment.

Today was an OK day for me, tomorrow will be better! :)

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;I ma&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

Elise & Roy and other stories

2011-09-03T14:41:00.003+08:00

I met Elise and Roy last night, and it was amazing. All those memories flooding back from my days in Philly, oh how I miss those moments.

Though I must say that life wasn't a bed of roses there, I knew that these people cared for me and seeing them last night made my heart dance incessantly - the joy was just indescribable.

***

Today, this morning started with a whirlwind of confusion, no not another heartbreak warfare please, just when the weekends are supposed be to happy times. And I think I came to my very first breaking point, I don't remember the last time I came to that, maybe a year ago with Ming, but it was never such an outburst. I wonder that caused it, but must have been something festering for some time already, waiting to explode.

As I sat in the living room waiting for J to comes out of his room, I started to think about all the times I felt lousy, felt as if I wasn't good enough. And that stupid voicemail repeats in my mind over and over again, the slut, the hairs on my hand standing on its ends. All all the things everyone says to me comes flooding into my mind.. like how being with someone should make you happy, how you should not have to feel like you're walking on eggshells, etc. And there and there I decided, I'm going to kill this heart. No one has the right to make me feel so small, no one has the right to make me feel as lousy as I do.

And as we marched on to the carpark, I was trying to phrase how I would say that it would be better if we would just stop all contact. I was ready to pull the plug, as if I had a whole gulp of courage juice. Or maybe my body had been pushed beyond its breaking point.

And then the next series of event is unclear to me, but all I know was that in the car, I started ranting and raving, blowing off all that steam, saying some really mean things I didn't really intend to say, but if I didn't get it out of my chest then, when was ever a suitable time? I said some very stupid things again that put me in a situation of vulnerability, but the truth is that I'm not here to waste anyone's time. And it's better to put it way out there. I've got things I want to do, things I want to achieve, things that I need done, and I'm not a person to linger on for lingering on's sake. For crying out loud, we are 2 adults, we'll cope! It's just happenstance, things don't work out, move one, don't mope! But I regret saying such things still, now it makes me seem like some weakling, and it's like I've put it out there, and leave myself naked, all over again. But that really is the person I am right? Say it as it is when it matters. Ugh.

I am weak, I relent. Please let things be better from now on because it's not a game. And if it is, then I'd admit defeat now and graciously bow out...

E and Z

2011-09-02T02:27:00.000+08:00

So it is no small news that E and Z are a couple - officially.

Well, OK, so I knew of it last month already, when it was hush hush. And I remember just as E was about to break it to me, she was so flustered, concerned about how I would view them.

But when I guessed, I was sooooo happy, because they are perfect. Z is such an awesome person, only someone as good as E would make him happy. They were meant to be.

Now I see pics of them on facebook and I can't help but have my heart leap with joy -- it is possible, people! :)

Happy Friday!

***

I deconstructed my phone into 20 pcs, literally to put my new cover in. I didn't know it would be such a huge job, I was determined to do it by myself, until my phone fell apart from me fiddling with all the small parts. I have spent the last 2 hours trying to reconstructing it, using sewing kits, super glue, screwdrivers, and even buttons to put it back together.

Determination has paid off, and it has been reconstructed -- half way I was going to throw the phone against the wall as there were toooo may small parts, but now the system works, just that the speakers are gone and so is the camera. I need to buy a new phone.

Ego

2011-09-02T02:17:00.001+08:00

Somebody bring me back the money pls...

2011-09-01T16:18:00.002+08:00

Invisalign and Me

2011-08-31T21:18:00.004+08:00

I am a thinker, I was born one. There is very little time my mind is idle, there is hardly a moment that I’m not thinking of anything. Maybe that is my greatest curse, which is why when I am happy, it consumes all of me, but when I feel blue, my whole world caves in.

I snapped on my invisaligns this morning, and they slipped in almost easily – as if there wasn’t any resistance. Just yesterday, I snapped them on after not having worn them for 2 nights, and the amount of pain that shot through my nerve endings on my teeth sent hairs standing down my back. I wanted to throw them off to rid myself of the immense agony, but I had to take my mind to a happy place.

But today, they slipped on as if they were meant to fit like a glove.

Then, I had an epiphany – life is exactly like that! The birth pains of something always seem to kill you initially, make you think you cannot survive the searing pain, but the body is a lot stronger than what we make it to be. Soon, we become desensitized and our mind forces us to adapt, and build a resistance to the “plank in our eye”. Our body follows suit, by allowing avenue of pain reliefs such as crying hysterically (thank God I don’t do this), the capacity to stomach a whole tub of B&Js at a sitting, and many other weird coping mechanisms sometimes we never knew existed. And almost as quickly as the pain starts, it fades away and we find ourselves miles from where we initially were, looking back and at the weakling we were.

But, you see, admitting pain is not synonymous with being weak. In fact, I think the ability to admit that you hurt, is by itself showing resolution and strength. Many a time, I have covered up or denied the fact that I feel pain, put up this impenetrable façade, but over the last 6 months, its as if experience has morphed me into something/ someone who can easily admit the hurt. It is, afterall, but human. Even superman had his times where he broke down! When I met the girls, I told them exactly how I felt, and normally I would only tell a couple of them, but then, what the heck, there was no need anymore to put up the walls, this bunch has known me since I was 13. And I opened the floodgates (verbally, no tears lah!).

So at this moment, there is a dull ache still, there is the fear of failure, the fear of feeling totally “naked” in front of another, the fear of being transparent in absolute terms. But yesterday, I entered a different plane, it was as if someone took a knife and twisted it 7 inches into my chest cavity. Really yesterday the amount of pain I felt, it was a knee jerk reaction as it brought me back 10 years ago when I broke for the first time. But the truth was that in half an hour, and a tub of ice cream and phone call later, I was back up and running, ready to face the world head on again. I think my recovery time improves each time, isn’t it amazing??! I should be entered into the guiness book of records or something… :)

It’s funny how something as small as my invisaligns can bring such a huge realization to me. And as I sit in my cab on the way to Shangri-la in KL for my lunch appointment, I cannot help but to grit my teeth against my invisaligns, trying hard to find an angle which would hurt my gums. But I cannot! They are so comfortable now, just a day after snapping them on tight.

If it’s anything like the course of this dental treatment, in 6 months time, I will have perfectly straight teeth, happy with my new smile and pearly whites. I can only hope that my life follows the same path. No pain, no gain, baby! Otherwise, like snoop dog says, “drop it like it’s hot.”

Cheryln asked me last night, “It’s not worse than Zheng Chang right?” – I jerk instinctively back upon hearing his name, register her words, laugh with careless abandon, “Like Zheng Chang? No of course not. I’m better than that, not a chance, not even close” I look at her with a twinkle in my eye and she nods in acknowledgement. I really meant it, I’ve lept over the great wall of china 10 years ago, and although my muscles are stiff and I haven’t had much practice leaping over walls since then, if anything, it would be a small hedge, nothing to fret about.

Nonetheless, I stick to my promise, to try hard at it and see where this thing called life takes me. Even if the results is sub optimal, I know I put my best into it, and I can walk away with no regrets. None at all.

I’ve come so far, too far to risk turning into a pillar of salt. Don’t hold your breath.

Happy

2011-08-31T01:46:00.003+08:00

If today, my life is not happier than it was yesterday, then I promise to examine it and make it right.

Everyday, I should be a better person than the day before.

A life unexamined is a cardinal sin.

Absolutes

2011-08-31T00:50:00.004+08:00

There are a few absolutes in my life that will not change, no matter what the circumstance, no matter how I feel, because these things are truth to me, they are immutable, they are my true north. No matter what someone says or does, I pray my heart stays true to these things which I have known I was destined to be and live by since the age of four. These things have not changed one bit.

Yes, along the way, I have detracted, I have strayed from the path, but somehow, some way, I always find myself back on the path, leading to my true North. Sometimes I stray from the path for extended periods time, and I try to change my internal compass to fit the situation, but time and time again, somehow, the magnet of my soul pulls me back to where it knows I belong. You can't fool the inner man.

I pray I will never forget what my true North is, no matter what life throws at me, no matter how tainted the world gets, no matter what people say, no matter how I may feel or who I feel for, no matter my circumstance, may I never ever forget where I come from, and where I want to go to. Even if I never reach the destination, I know I have given it my all. I will collect my prize in my next life.

1) Friends: Never forget that many do come and go, but stay true to the ones who you know have stood by you, and never let anyone, especially a male, drive a wedge though you. Men come and go, but a true friend stays beside you always.

2) Career: Never let money or ambition make you a person you hate yourself for. Money can come and go, bosses can come and go, promotions may be fleeting, but what matters is loving what you do and having a clear conscience with what you do. Career should never come ahead of the family unit.

3) Innocence: Never lose it for someone or something. If someone tries to change you, it must be for the better if not better to run as far and as fast as your legs will take you.

4) Family: It is most important, ever. Never forget that for anyone. Never let someone be more important than they. And when I have a family of my own, I am committed to be with a person who brings out the best in me, makes me happy, and bring my children up to be the best people they were born to be.

5) Love & kindness: Never lose sight of the shore, when things get down, and when people mistreat you, or make you feel insignificant, never ever take it out on someone else. Love and kindness are the cornerstone of everything. Please never ever lose your soul no matter how jaded you may be. Love and kindness trumps all, remember that.

6) Can't run too far from God, He is always there, and He sees everything, in the end, things come a full circle, and you end up right at his feet.

7) My past should make me a better person, not make me a worse person, in any sense of the word.

8) Patience: One day, the things I truly believe in deep in my heart will come to pass, only because the universe works to right itself in the end. People may come and distract me from my true North, throw me off course, but in time, I will be exactly where I want to be. Even if I am not, I promise to make the best out of the situation and be happy with what I have been given.

***

30/8/2011 - I need to remember the path I used to walk on, because I have a sharpened sword in my right hand, and a sceptre in my left - I am slowly cutting away, sawing away on one end, and prodding the ground to stay surefooted in my quest. I will enjoy this process as much as I enjoy a good bath after tiring jog.

The world is my oyster, remember this day and never forget. These diamond encrusted walls are simply beautiful, they glisten in the morning sun, and the glare can hardly keep my eyes open. And as it takes years for carbon under pressure to turn into diamonds, so do these walls. And oh, how majestic to just lie down encased in them, as I watch the world pass by.

Go on, chip away, they do need to be thinner. Ahh but you see, these are magic diamond walls, they only become thinner if you wield the right tools. What do you have in your hand, fellow mortal?

The cinema credits start to roll, and everything fades to black. I shall sleep.

I write with a heavy heart

2011-08-30T13:13:00.005+08:00

because my mind and heart are all over the place.

And it is hard for me to concentrate. I feel that I am lingering in a space of in betweens.

And this feeling does not work well with and for me.

It keeps me on my toes, in makes my heart race and my hair stand, not for good reason.

I am anxious and nervous, and jumpy.

I'm going for a run, to blow some steam off. I need to dye my hair, to get my mind off things, then I'm off to Ming's place for a BBQ.

But I want to talk, because I can't walk on eggshells, my heart is too heavy, they will crack under my weight.

For a moment, I would have given up everything that mattered to me, do you know that? I would have really done that, now it's everything for you to lose.

Let's hope I pluck up enough courage to give you a call tonight. And whatever it is, I promise to accept it, because I have done so so many times before. And no "what ifs", no more blaming myself, just need to love who I am a whole lot more. Because I know what I have to give... and it's so much more, honey.

***

I need to start writing about happy stuff,my blog is so dark and tragic -- but this is not the person I am, or who I want to be. I need to start being who I was born to be, I need to start smiling, and I don't need anyone to make me smile. I need to smile for me. Period. Today is 30/8/11 and I am making a commitment at this point to myself, that I am going to be happy, whatever the situation is, happiness is my choice. And I need to learn to be optimistic, because life is worth living. God help me.

***

Just got back from my run, and decided I should dye my hair by myself! How fun! Doing something crazy that can either be very wrong or very right! Ahhhh how a good run and a good boost of oxygen and endorphins makes the world a much more beautiful place. Things will surely be alright for me after all.

I has so much fun applying the Liese bubble mask on my head and foaming it all over, like a kid on her first shampoo day! So much bubbly foam, so fun, splish splash splosh! My mind drifts away momentarily to happy memories, and happy thoughts of beautiful sun ray and bumble bees and butterflies - ahhh bliss.

I have been repeating the same song over on my BB for the last 2 hours. I think it has given me the courage to do what is right for me. And also, Sue whatsapped me out of the blue and I spent half an hour at the gym, pouring my heart out to her. Somehow, although we don't meet each other often, I feel that she understands me. I told her EVERYTHING. No holds bars. No pretense. And she told me I was perfect, what a good friend. I know I am not, but having a friend stand by me and tell me everything will be OK makes me feel that maybe I have been way too harsh on myself. For what reason? I am a control freak. Yes, I am.

I need to be strong enough to not allow anyone to validate me. To tell me I am not good enough, ot to make me feel as if I am nothing. Because, sometimes it is easier to accept that it is not that 2 people are imperfect perhaps they are imperfect for each other. It does not mean they are not good people, it means that they are not good for each other. And when you come to accept that fact, then the problems surfacing become strangely dim, and strangely insignificant.

Nonetheless, I still am going to stand up for what I believe and I when I come back tonight and continue my post, I want to tell myself to be strong. Believe in your heart, believe that happiness is a possibility, believe that whatever the outcome, happiness is within grasp, though it might hurt and cut like a knife, we all get to live another day. I should not spend my tears on things which will not matter 2 years down the road. Because life is like that you win some, you lose some.

I want us to win, but in the scenario that we don't, then we will both win with someone else, some other time, until happily every after. :)

The whole world smiles again, because in the end, I need someone to love me for me. Simple.

***

I live to see the sun set another day, as I bury my shovel in the sand. Please never forget.

Overwhelmed

2011-08-24T23:56:00.000+08:00

In every possible angle, in every possible way, in every possible facet.

I met Evangeline today for lunch and it was comforting to know that somewhere out there, there is someone who is going through the exact same thing I am going through.

I am just about 5 steps behind her, perhaps, but time will certainly tell how things will pan out.

Off to KL tomorrow, oh so much work to be done!

Who said women are hard to understand?

2011-08-23T12:25:00.001+08:00

Just for laugh, folks! Something light hearted instead of my verbal diarrhoea!

The Female Demerit Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and
points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the
way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) You throw the
bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
in the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5) You check out a suspicious noise
at night (+1) You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) You
check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) You pummel it with
iron rod (+10) It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a while,
then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2) Named Tina (-10) Tina is a
dancer (-20) Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3) Okay, it's a
sports bar (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3) It's a sports bar, it's
all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite
team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) You
develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts (-30) You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what) You
hesitate in responding (-10) You reply, "Where?" (-35) Any other response
(-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks
like a concerned expression (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) You
listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500) She
realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000).

Oyster

2011-08-22T22:21:00.000+08:00

When I think of an animal that I am very much like, I would like to say that it is a dolphin -- so carefree, so wild, and just so perfect.

But if I were to be realistic, I am really, an osyter. Why do I say that? I have the uncanny ability (talent) to take pain, wrap it with layers and layers of tears until the problem crystallizes. No, it by no means goes away, but i cover it with so many layers that sometimes, I numb myself to what the problem was in the first place. My pearl grows by the day, and none of my tears are ever wasted because I do such a good job at pushing them aside! Oh how proud I am of myself.

I also have an awesome gift of building a strong coat of armour around myself, inch over inch over inch. It's so thick that sometimes although it is heavy to carry around, I wouldn't ever move around without it. Why risk being unarmed, what if war befalls?

***

On a lighter note, I went for a run tonight and the amount of euphoria I felt watching the children splash around in the baby pool in front of me -- oh it was absolutely splendid. I think it beats any sort of runner's high one can experience. It's their carefree nature, their reckless abandon, it's so refreshing. How I love children, their innocence and playful nature, without a care in the world. I love children, absolutely.

***

I think it is rude to break up over text or the phone. You HAVE to have the respect for someone else to at least break it to them face to face. Just wanted to say that, takes a load off my chest. There!

For once, I am looking forward to going to KL this Thursday, gives me some reprieve from things in Singapore...

TRUST

2011-08-21T20:03:00.003+08:00

Needs to be earned, in time. It's by no means an entitlement.

Please help me to trust more. I can't keep hiding behind these veils... but then you have to change the way you speak... if not I don't know what to grasp on to.

I try so hard, but nothing measures up! Have I forgotten what it is like anymore?

Save us before I let you go... I don't want to go round in circles anymore. I don't have the time.

D and the Emails

2011-08-18T00:39:00.000+08:00

D has started contacting me all over again. For some reason, unbeknown to me, he feels we have another fighting chance at getting back together. I guess word travels that Ming and I are over, so perhaps since he is also single, he thinks we should revisit the long lost romance.

I feel like the past is called the past simply because it is. Revisiting it isn't the wisest of things to do -- it can be liken to opening Pandora's Box. My relationship with Desmond was mostly spent as a long distance one. And the truth is that if that my feelings towards a particular person isn't strong enough, long distance can't work for me. And perhaps that was the case, he was in love with me a lot more than I with him. It's a good place to be though, very selfish.

Today he forwarded me a chain of emails that I sent to him when I was in Philly. I read them and re-read them, and oh my have I changed as a person. The now me would not have penned down anything remotely like that. I don't think I have changed that much as a person but my communication style sure has changed. My emails, seem almost childish, but very pure at heart, the latter I hope I still have inside me.

I must say that D and I happened because he was at the right place at the right time. He was so super sweet to me, I fell for him because I didn't know that it as possible for a guy to be so sweet (last of experience). And I guess, it was unlucky that my drive to succeed took me somewhere too far away from my feelings to sustain itself... and thus it led to the demise of what we had. I have always known and admitted that it was solely my fault, I didn't put enough, didn't give enough, only because I had then, more "important" things on my mind. I.e trying to be someone at that young tender age of 21. What the hell did I know then of being anyone?!? Hah.

Memories are vague, but one of the emails I wrote was to Huisi, Junkang's ex girlfriend. I have never denied causing them to break up ever, I feel sorry that they had to end, but my conscience is clear because I never thought myself to be the 3rd party. In fact, I didn't even know that he had developed feelings for me along the way.

So the story goes that Huisi's friend calls D to inform him that apparently, Junkang and I are having a relationship (I "cheating" (I had already broken up with him wks before) on D and Junkang cheating on her). I remember D calling me up to confront me, but I have very candidly denied anything, only because there was really none! I did like Junkang a lot, but I never saw it proceeding across a certain level simply because he, as well as I, then were attached.

Anyway, to cut long story short, I called Huisi up after her friend's confrontation with D, spoke to her very briefly (I don't remember her being hostile), and then wrote her a very long email...

***

Hi Huisi-

I just want to thank you so much for allowing me to talk to you. I know you don’t need to; you have the right to ignore me. Afterall, no matter how I explain myself, I have to admit that I do have a part to play in your breakup. I can say all I want that I was ignorant of the problem at hand between you and junkang and how I was coming in between you both; but the bottom line is that YES, I indeed was in constant contact with him, especially for the last 3 month.

It might pain you to read this. I remember vividly when my first bf broke up with me after 2 years after he found another #$%^&* to be with. That is when I totally did not believe in love and I told myself that ALL men are jerks. It took me about 2 years before I allowed myself to even start dating again. This was when I met my 2^nd bf. He really showed me what it was like to be loved unconditionally and he really was good to me. He was trust worthy and he showed me that even if I was hurt before, he would not want to hurt me the same way again. Unfortunately, I am a very obstinate person, and I let the pain from my past eat into our relationship. We had problems and they were because I kept thinking that if I trusted him, I would be hurt the same way as I was hurt by my first bf.

I was cruel and evil to him, I got angry and was unreasonable every time; just to show him that he would not be able to hurt me. All the while he understood and told me to trust him. But it was very hard for me to.

I am sending you this mail because I understand how it is like to cry every night, feeling betrayed by the person you gave your heart too, especially for so long. It hurts to know that someone you love so much, who claims to love you too, can tear you up inside. I have been there before and I have the scars to proof.

I just want to let you know that I don’t want u to end up the same way I did. I allowed my pain to destroy my future. I allowed my anger to prevent me from loving again. I became resentful and hard hearted. I drowned myself in work and pretended that everything did not matter. Maybe because of this, part of me is destroyed.

But then again, because of this pain, I have also learnt to stand up on my own 2 feet, to tell myself that I would not love someone so much that even if it hurt me, I would cling on because he would change. Some people never change; we have to accept that. We have to learn to love ourselves more and believe in ourselves. Because of my hurt, I actually did discover a part of me I never knew I had. I learnt to be independent (albeit angry); I learnt that no one can destroy me unless I allowed them to; I learnt that there always is hope at the end of the rainbow. I learnt that when God closes a door, he opens another… I have learnt that I am much better than I thought I was….

I am still having problems with my 2nd bf (now my ex) but we’re working things out. I know I shouldn’t defend Junkang or anything but one thing I know for sure. He is a really nice friend to me. But not once did he EVER tell me that he liked me; not once did he say anything negative about you (until your friend contacted my 2^nd ex bf). Not once when we went out (like 2 yrs back) did he deny you as a gf; we even talked about you. Not once did he cheat on you. Maybe he did lie to you; yes. But he never cheated on you. Maybe all he wanted was to keep in contact with me because he treasured our friendship, I may be wrong. Not once did I ever think that our friendship was beyond anything platonic. NOT ONCE really did he ever do anything with me or whatever that was inappropriate. He was attached, and I knew it. I had no intention ever of coming between you both.

I just wanted to let you know that. He really has been a good friend to me. I am proud to have him as a friend. I will not un – befriend him because of your misunderstanding with him. I am sorry, I cannot do that. He is a friend to me still regardless of what happens between the both of you. But I can promise you that I will be honest with you if you have any questions.

I have copied my 2^nd ex bf on this mail because I want to be honest with him too. He was upset with me when ur gf contacted his friend or something. But thankfully, he trusts me enough that when I explained to him, he believed me. He has been very supportive of me al these while and I appreciate him. I don’t lie to my ex bf. If junkang and I talk, I will willingly admit to him as well. I think that has been working well for us.

Let me know if you need anything else.

***

Cut and paste. Seriously, I would never have written anything like that now, makes me think I was a completely different person then. Can a mere 6 years change a person that much?

Save the Last Dance for Me

2011-08-15T23:40:00.002+08:00

Oh, this can not get any more true.....

Strangers Juxtaposed against Something Else

2011-08-14T16:25:00.004+08:00

"I bought you the vitamin E pills, you can come to my office to collect"
"OK, I need to collect some of my clothes too"
"OK, your white pants is in my office. Come visit Pairah and Yumi, no one will be home this week, come and have dinner with them"
"OK, we'll see how my schedule is this week. Will you be in town?"
"In Vietnam now, not around the whole of next week too"
"OK, I'll be in KL until Wed"
"OK"
":)"

***

I was meant to tread the water, now I've gotten in too deep
For every piece of me that wants you, another piece backs away
You give me something, that makes me scared alright. This could be nothing, but I'm willing to give it a try.
Please give me something cuz some day I might know my heart
I never thought that I'd love someone
That was someone else's dream

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;***&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

Something that happened over the last few days made me think: Am I a bad communicator? Do I really run away from my problems and buckle in stressful situations? Actually, the truth is I do. Many times I run as far as my feet will take me, not because I like running, but I cannot tolerate confrontational situations. Too much spite, leaves me in turmoil. I can't think straight, can't talk right, can't function properly. It's as if my circuit malfunctions. I am trying to remember if I was like that with Ming as well, perhaps so, but I can hardly remember, we almost never fought because all I did was give in and give in and give in... I remember only getting angry at him like 3-4 times in 4 years?!?!

Maybe that was partially why things ended the way it did.

But I find it very hard to raise my voice at someone I care about. Perhaps that's a way you will know you mean something to me because I have no trouble being a complete bitch to people I care not for, i.e bad service staff, people who reek of alcohol, cheaters.

You can say I'm, a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance

2011-08-12T07:39:00.001+08:00

It's about time, I surrender.

***

I have realized that despite always feeling like I'm the only one in the world who is paranoid and feels almost somewhat "trapped" in my own ideals, there are indeed many others like me.

The thing about it is over the past 6 months since I revived my blog, I have received many touching emails from people I hardly know/don't know at all writing to encourage me, or writing to share their stories with me.

How amazing it is to be able to relate to someone through mere words on a blank canvas.

There must be a greater meaning and reason to why this blog exists, truly.

***

Shimei's mom was buried yesterday - unfortunately I couldnt attend as I was still in Malaysia. It must have been painful and I don't know how I would have been able to keep tears at bay. I still have some lingering questions, but I have surrendered them. Let go, and let God.

***

In other news, I'm starting to see James a lot more and I think I'm starting to like him more. It's not that I don't trust him, but he reminds me of Zheng Chang a lot. And Zheng Chang was the guy who put me through the most pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I want to let him in, but I'm afraid that I'll be opening myself to a lot of heartache, and if so, I'd rather not. But how would I know unless I try? I'm not a gambler, I don't toy with someone else's heart.

But hey, let's take these shackles off my feet so I can dance....

***

I am thankful that I have so many friends, people texting me daily to ask me how life is, or just to tell me that they have been praying for me. I am truly blessed for these people, whom from all walks of life, become my constant silent support. They also, give me many advice. The thing I have to admit is I often know what is the right thing to do, but often I can't do it. I am weak.

The Promise of the 3rd Day

2011-08-10T01:34:00.000+08:00

I am flying off to KL in a few hours but I can't help but come pen down a couple of more salient things that happened today.

1) Shimei's mother passed on this morning and as I attended the funeral today, something happened, Shimei and I believe in the promise of the 3rd day. Whatever happens, God is in control. We have learnt to let go, and let God.

2) James said that I was a naive person. The funny thing is that Ming used to say that of me, he said that I'm a bad judge of character and I always misread others, I always think of them being "good" rather than "bad". Perhaps since so many people have said so, I must be a bad judge of character then, no?

3) Hansen said that I think too much, that's the 2nd person who's said that about me in the last 2 days. Perhaps it is true, I am a thinker. And sometimes all this thinking holds me back from what I really want.

4) I saw Kat today in Sentosa for brunch, ahhhh I was so happy to see her out there. I wish Tommy and her would stay together forever this time, because Evan is perfect and deserves all the love he can get.

5) I went prawning after so long, it was fun! Looked for Brendon there, but he wasn't around, pity, but I guess its better to leave some things in the past, where it's supposed to be.

If I could say this to your face, I would

2011-08-08T09:06:00.006+08:00

I am a coward, the words won't come out of my mouth, although copious amount flow like river from the base of my heart and soul...

"If you wanna leave then just go, cuz I can't get no sun in your shadow
If you ain't gonna love me or find me, then I'm gonna turn the other cheek and go"

"Cuz everytime I push you hold me just close enough to keep me here,
So pull your anchor up and head to shore or sail away...
If you want to leave, then just go...."

***

It's funny how nature reverses itself at times. Jaren used to call me about his girl problems, I used to spend too many hours with him over the phone plotting how to win over his "chick of the moment". Never once did I go to him for advice, because I always saw him as my "xiao didi" although he is 31 this year? How can I trust advice from someone whom can't even decide if he wants to text a girl and spends hours scripting out what a potential phone conversation would be? No, that's so wrong.

But yesterday, I saw a side of him I had never seen before. And he was brutally honest with his advice to me, that I had to LOL at him. Is this the Jaren I've known all my life, but never "exploited" his wealth of knowledge ever?

He left me with 2 sentences which hit home.

1) Estee, don't waste your time, or mine.
2) You're better off staying home, watching TV and eating chocolate

My, my, hasn't he grown up? From the "ONS rocks" guy I always thought him to be, to the "there's more I need to a girl that a beautiful face"... Have the tides turned? Is this a function of his age? Or is this just a passing phase? We'll see...

All or Nothing

2011-08-07T19:18:00.006+08:00

I have realized, I have lived by considerably low standards. Although I know deep down inside, I am a perfectionist, somehow, somewhere along the road, I have made a few compromises, broke too many hearts and got my heart broken several times too -- but that's life.

Somehow at church today, I pondered at the state of my life, where is was going, what I am doing to further the causes I have. And perhaps, sadly so, I rang up a huge zero.

A few years ago, I would have imagined myself in a completely different place at this present moment. And now as I look back, I am right where I started. It seemed like I had progressed forward, only to fall a few steps back every time. It is frustrating. I find myself in similar situations all over again, and my heart is heavy.

Maybe I am an ill disciplined person, maybe I just don't know why I can't anchor myself to the faith I was taught existed. I keep running away from the only anchor I know. And in somewhat undrunken stupor, anchor myself to things which are not solid, things which I only know will drift away like driftwood in a vast ocean.

I wish I could take everything away and start all over. But alas, things aren't so simple. There are so many promises I have made to myself, I have broken. So many things I have said to myself, I have forgotten. My eyes are painful from trying to sleep them away. My fingers are aching from fending off people who come to "steal" my loot, people who come under the guise of something "good" for me.

I look through the daily messages I receive on my phone, and only a few people really matter. The extraneous sounds are so loud and frequent, why do I even bother replying, when my heart is stone cold and I already know the ending?

Because I know in the end, it's ALL or NOTHING and I'm afraid that I get, again, the shorter end of the straw..

Is it wrong to just want to be happy?

***

I visited Shimei's mother this afternoon. She has lost massive amounts of weight, maybe because they have changed the schedule by which she gets fed to prep her for going home. I feel sadness, when Shimei starts sobbing next to me, yet I feel helpless. In my heart, I am angry somewhat, why won't God save her now? The family has been through so much, can god just take all the pain away now?

I have become an expert at fighting uninvited tear drops, and the ulcers from my lower lip which are result of biting them so hard to fend these tears, no longer hurt. I have grown used to them, they have become my constant companion.

***

I met a girl called Tracy. Somehow, something about her tugs at my heartstrings, I like her very much. Maybe she was sent to help me instead of me helping her.

***

Having fun filling up my schedule for Monday and Tuesday to keep my mind off wondering about the more complicating things in life.

***

My driver's side car door is locked shut. I have to climb in through my passenger's seat window to get to thee driver's seat. I have to then explain to those judgmental eyes how I am not breaking into my own car. Need to get it fixed, pronto.

Promise me what you say is true, that's all I ask of you

2011-08-06T09:59:00.001+08:00

TRUST. the most neglected 5 letter words - ever.

Val's mom posted a clip from Phantom of the Opera on facebook, thanking Ming for sharing it on Twitter. I've ceased to follow Ming on Twitter, a week before we broke up, I decided, I had to start making things easy for myself, so out of sight, out of mind.

But when I watched the clip, it made me want to smile because Ming hasn't changed - his love for the opera, his depth, everything about him that made me fall in love with him in the first place. And then I felt a bit of sadness - I miss him. I miss the emotional security he gave me, because I could trust him 100% with my heart. Although things didn't work out between us, he won my trust, I never doubted him, and he was responsible with never taking my trust for granted or breaking it.

Trust isn't something you build up over night, it's something that takes time and effort to work on. It's so fragile because like a mirror, it once broken, will never be the same again. It's difficult to trust something or someone when you hardly know the person or understand where he or she is coming from. When starting form scratch, how do you balance the fine line between trust and asking too much?

I struggle with that a lot, because it's not "me" to intrude or "pry" -- it's simply difficult for me to do so. However, if I don't, my mind starts playing tricks on me and telling me what I don't want to hear. And then, I start clamping up -- all the defense mechanisms start to kick in.

When will I learn to trust someone - another human, a partner, with reckless abandon again?

Me Love Him

2011-08-05T14:44:00.001+08:00

Today, I managed to talk to CC for a bit -- I've been traveling so much, so since today my trip to KL got canceled, I managed to catch up with her, which made me 1 very happy Cheshire cat. Meow.

3 weeks back we were just talking about how she and her bf had issues to settle, and today, she said "Me Love Him - A Lot".

WOW. How my friend's lives can move so quickly in just 3 weeks, and how I seem to be so left behind, from all this cross border travels. How does "like" morph into "love".

It's hard to say really, but for her I think she realized it only after a major argument they had. Must it be like that? Anyway, just got me thinking about how happy she is, she sounds, she acts, and makes me think the world is perfect again -- even just for this transient moment. When she talks about him, I can hear the happiness, and I just bask in it, like a sparrow in the winter sun.

I will have a happy weekend :)

Mel-Burn

2011-08-04T18:02:00.001+08:00

Melbourne burnt. In terms of work load, as well as the wind chill on the cheeks.

Let's just say I'm terrible with the cold. Reminded me of days in Philly where signs of fall was evident all around, and I was the first FOB pulling out my down coat -- didn't care who laughed, I just wanted to stay warm!

A lot of things to think about moving on, with work and personal life. Things are progressing at a pace, I can sometimes hardly catch up with.

In the end, we all just want a happy ending, don't we?

***

In other shocking news, D started to contact me again. The last time he called me in Dec, he was still with her, and I thought perhaps he was going through a rough time, so I chatted with him casually about the golf simulator business he was investing in...

But so he called me today to say that S and him had broken up, 6 months ago, and he wanted to explore going out with me again. Talked about how I was "first" in many things he did, how we had lotsa fun together. How he had come from Singapore to surprise me in philly, yea I remember all those vaguely. Is there a deeper reason to why they are vague?

I think I've become a different person I was then at 22, I told him that I'm not the same and that he shouldn't get ahead of himself, but somehow, he said I talked the same. And that I was the same.

Maybe I should not have talked to him at all, why would I want to open pandora's box, when everything is going OK for me now?

He asked me how I've changed and on the spot, I gave him 2 things, at the top of my head:
1) I have become more cynical, love isn't as pure as it used to be.
2) I have become less uptight. I used to have sooo many rules, now years on, I have broken most of them

For the worse, or better, time will tell.

Lonely Road

2011-07-30T19:36:00.000+08:00

Off to Melbourne in a couple of hours...

A few heartwarming things happened today which made me smile:

1) I went for a show with my sister. Been a while since we had some one on one time together

2) She introduced me to Robin, who was in the cinema too, ahhhh and so we finally meet

3) A friend from long ago fb-ed me to ask if I needed a tour guide in Perth. Unfortunately I'll be in Melbourne :(

4) James told me this morning his room looks worse than like if a hurricane had swept through it. Made me seriously LOL.

5) The girls are going partying this whole weekend. I miss them a hell lot, but I have the perfect excuse to graciously exit from liver abuse.

I'm going to miss many things here in the next 5 days, but its not me to wear my heart on my sleeves.

Hang in there guys, I'll be back before you know it :)

Sincerity, Consistency & Love

2011-07-29T13:27:00.001+08:00

I really don't ask for anything more. Is that too much to want?

***

I realized this afternoon that I have abandonment issues, I don't know where they arise from but somehow, it scares the crap out of me.

Maybe it's the cold feet of having to go to Australia tomorrow.

Hi-i-igh To-o Try-y-y Get Back ASAP

2011-07-28T23:36:00.001+08:00

Just some silly dance song that's been on repeat on my phone since this PM.

***

Today, out of the blue, K suddenly asked me to be his girlfriend. Like, I didn't ever see this coming before, like ever! I never talk to him on the phone, hardly even ever exchange texts, and he suddenly throws me this absurd question. I almost gag on the sushi that I was eating. Deja vu, didn't this like happen 2 years before and I distinctly remember saying to him that if he couldn't remain as friends, then its better that he stops all contact??????

I plainly said, no, no feelings at all, we are in different stages in life. Not going to happen. There are certain things I need which he will not be able to give me.

The next hour, he spends his time trying to convince me that he is worth a shot and if I don't try I won't ever know. But I don't need to know what I don't care to know! Is that so difficult to understand?

I don't mean to be harsh and petty about it, but it pisses me off now thinking about it. It makes my blood boil, it makes me feel as if I am obliged to you, it makes me feel like all I wanna do is HATE you. The last 15 mins on the phone (it is coming to midnight for crying out loud), he has been trying to tell me how much I've bruised his ego and how I've made him feel worthless as a man. But you see, I AM NOT your emotional crutch, I AM NOT born to make you feel good about myself. And most importantly, I AM NOT going to act as if you have a chance just to make it less painful for you.

Enough of making things easy for you, and caring for you, when all you do is come back and bite me in the back, blaming me for your sorrows, blaming me for causing confusion in your life and for throwing your aspirations out of the window for me. I DO NOT care if you are going to DUKE-NUS Medical school, I DO NOT care if you have a 2nd degree, I DO NOT care if you find a job now.

Is that clear enough for you???!!!? So don't even bother being angry with me. I an NOT responsible for what you want to do in your life, I DO NOT care to tell you what you have to do.

I have my own battles to fight too, you know? No time to entertain your whining.

Get on with it already. Don't even bother with your threats, they don't work. I don't care.

***

Update (29/7/11)

Just re-read my blog post and I'm disgusted at what a terrible and angry person I sound like. I'm not usually this was but last night, I was really upset at the turn of events. I had thoughts of deleting this post, but then, decided not to, because afterall, the good, the bad, the ugly -- they all have to be here, I can't only always paint a pretty picture. I apologize to all those who were put through having to read this. My moment of folly.

Talk

2011-07-28T07:54:00.000+08:00

I talk a lot , but hardly fight.
Perhaps it is true that I clam up instead of being combative.
I hate confrontations.
Many people have different styles and I'm learning what works and what doesn't.
Life is a journey, afterall, isn't it?
But do I have sufficient time to learn?

Die Another Day

2011-07-26T22:49:00.000+08:00

" Love is the overestimation of one man over any other random man".

***

Today marks a special milestone in my life -- 3 months ago I had my "last supper".

***

My 2nd Home & 4-Year Checklist

2011-07-25T20:28:00.004+08:00

I find that I am a stranger in my own country, and in the near future, I will continue to be but a shadow in Singapore. In fact, I think I have flown a lot more in the last year than I have my entire life combined. I hardly spend more than 3 days in Singapore in a stretch. My new assignment seems to be challenging, and I look forward to it. But part of me fears that I will not be able to cope with the arduous tasks ahead. Ahhh Australia, what treasures will you bring?

But I am young, and I want to work hard while I can. How long do I have left to burn my candle at both ends? I used to think that my only ambition was to get married and become the best mother in the world, best wife in the world. Find a good, capable man and live the rest of my life in bliss, but alas, now that I have matured, I look back at that mindset and snigger. What a frog in the well I was. *ribbit*

And I seem like the only female who is so "ambitionless", sometimes I am almost ashamed to admit to my friends when they ask me "what I want to be when I grow up". Maybe, whatever. But you see, I have grown up, and well, my ambitions haven't changed a bit, to be honest -- but the context around it have changed drastically. I still want those things I have wanted since I was 4 years old. But this time I know that fairytales don't just happen, dreams don't just come true without you working actively on it.

Cheryln shared her 4 year plan some 3 days ago, on how she wants to own her own home, retire and invest in properties at 31, and for me, that would be nice, but it doesn't excite me as I know it should. But I do understand that before all my dreams can come into place, I need to fulfill my potential for the NOW. Things don't just fall into your lap, that only happens in Disney cartoons! (i.e never)

And therefore, in the next 4 years, I will promise to work the hardest I can, to do the best I can to ensure that I know what I can achieve before time runs out. Her 4 year plan has motivated me to do my own little checklist, not so much that of what I can achieve in material, but more of to fulfill what I feel is my "calling" is in this transient life. Perhaps, penning it down will somehow (hopefully) make me more accountable to my commitments.

1) To work the best I can for Mamee, committed to growing what is placed in my hands
2) To actively train the people under me, their personal growth is important
3) To save up enough and get a loan to buy my own home and pay off car loan
4) To grow my counters on the STI/KLSE and broaden my horizons on US bluechip counters
5) To get married have have a kid
6) To forgive those who have hurt me (struggling even typing this)
7) To love myself more, come down less hard on my shortcomings
8) Do more charity work (Children cancer society or overseas mission); grow a bigger heart for the unlovable
9) Be an emotionally tougher person (no more wasting of tears on people who don't matter)
10) Be a better friend/daughter/lover/colleague/sister/grand-daughter to the people I care about

***

I have become so accustomed to staying in a hotel, that once what started out as a phobia to me -- now I'm almost desensitized to. Yes, the hairs on my back still stand at times, and I feel somewhat lonely when staring at the ceiling while lying on the bed when I'm trying to fall asleep. But the kind of fear that knocks the breath out of your lungs, now, that has left me, I hope, for good.

Isn't this the same for the many other things in life? We become desensitized... an insensitive lover, fighting parents, a leaky faucet, an aching heart from a spurned love, the pangs of missing someone you love, the forever running nose, the lizard on the wall, soon, they too, become 2nd nature, and we accept these "circumstances" as default.

I have many a times found myself in that situation, maybe because I am a very tolerant person. I hardly get angry, hardly pick fights, and generally try to stay out of confrontational situations. But then, it is this exact same nature of mine, that has caused me a lot of grief. I tolerate much, and when I finally explode, there is no turning back... all hell breaks loose, the floodgates are released... never incur the wrath of a woman, yes that is just about right.

I'm going to learn how to bite back. HARD.

***

My heart cries out to the innocent lives lost in Norway.. why did innocent people have to die? Sometimes I ask God why this happens, but I know I am in no position to question my maker. What about the families who will and still are crying their eyes out? Who is to comfort them? Who will provide them a shoulder to lean on?

***

On a personal note, when one door shuts, many many (!!) more open, that is one thing I have learnt in the last 3-4 months.

Don't hold your breath, baby....

What would I do without you?

2011-07-23T22:33:00.003+08:00

Have I ever said THANK YOU for being there for me since 2003? Oh how you have evolved.
My most trusted companion, my silent supporter, you soak up my ink, tears and laughter.
We were meant to be, blogspot!

Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that

You made room for me, but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you asked for it
'Cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or breaking this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving
I'mma need a better reason to write you a love song today
Today

I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under you
And your twisted words, your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you asked for it
'Cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or breaking this
If you're on your way,
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving
I'mma need a better reason to write you a love song today

Promise me you'll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
'Cause I believe there's a way you can love me because I say

I won't write you a love song
'Cause you asked for it
'Cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or breaking this
Is that why you wanted a love song
'Cause you asked for it?
'Cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or breaking this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas when I believe that there's a reason to
Write you a love song today
Today

Greatest Weakness

2011-07-23T21:59:00.002+08:00

I am supposed to be out, watching a movie with Hansen and Nicole, hanging out with Jaren, or out with Cheryln and her bf... but all I'm doing is coming home on an early Saturday night, my heart and steps are heavy, my eyes pink from fighting back tears.

It would have been so terrible for me to have broken down at Katherine's house. It's a happy day, Evan's 1st month!

Why did God have to give me this weakness? What I once saw as a gift for loving the less fortunate and having a heart for children has now turned into my greatest curse. Why does Evan affect me to much -- it doesn't make sense logically. I've tried deconstructing how I feel over and over again, but I still can't figure why looking at the little angel brings out these torrents of emotions from within me. I battle them, struggle with them, but time and time again they surface. I am weak, truly, weak. And I have no choice but to surrender to the pain that rises within me. When will it ebb? Why can't I be a normal person? Why does my heart feel like a thousand daggers are embedded within it??!?! Please just stop twisting the knife.

No child deserves to be born in an unhappy home. No child deserves to not have a family. And I see Tommy and Kat love Evan so much, and I see the family entity around it, so supportive. And I ask myself why does something so perfect have to turn out so imperfect? Can we go back to a year ago when everything was fine, when Tommy and Kat were still together, when Evan was not even formed yet? Can we go back then please, and make everything OK? Please?!?!?

I look at Evan, this precious child, he must deserve a complete home. Can I have just one wish to make things perfect for him? Can someone just grant me one wish? Can we rewind time back, can we pretend none of the sadness happened?

My throat feels parched, as if I haven't drank all day, but the truth is that I have been screaming inside, and my voice has almost left me.

I feel bad for lying to Hansen that I didn't wanna hang out because I was tired. But when Nicole called, I had to admit that I wasn't feeling up to it because my eyes were painful from fighting emotions.

Now you see, I wish this heart of compassion would just disappear, even for just one day -- I want to find out how it is living life in a completely differently perspective. I want to understand how to live life void of emotions, void of compassion, void of sympathy. My heart has to stop calling out to things that should not fcuking affect me.

I just want to roll in bed until I fall asleep. Nonetheless, the 2 things that has made me smile today was a commemorative rat coin I received. Too cool for words. As well as a poster Pheobe did up for baby Evan. Made my heart melt to know that someone so young, can even know what aspirations are!

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Fear Protects

2011-07-23T13:32:00.004+08:00

And for every good reason. The fight or flight syndrome.

It really sometimes is not for you to make an active decision, because it is a knee jerk reaction. In an instant, your brain weighs its options, and subconsciously decides for you which path to take. Sometimes, you win, sometimes you lose.

So just when you find a pocket of chance for you to decide for yourself, it's best you do it, before your body decides for you and then, you cannot blame anyone any longer.

I wish I had the magical ability like X-Men to see through the heart. To know the real thoughts of someone else, to be able to weed out fact from fiction. Then, I would be able to easily, severe off the things and people that don't matter at all. It doesn't pay to be nice to everyone, perhaps. But I have lived by that mantra for like forever?!?!??!?!?!

I could have been right all along, the pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Perhaps it is just instincts. And it's not that I'm born skeptical, it's just that some things are too good to be true. So please, I'm going to "attempt" to disappear when the smoke screen is still up. To think the fool in me wanted to cancel my plans -- please it's full steam ahead.

I'm believing what goes around comes back around, better not live if your shadow doesn't trust you. I might be childish at times, but I choose to view life through rose coloured glasses, it makes me happy, puts a spring in my step, a tune in my ears, a flutter in my heart and that's all that matters. You have not earned your right to understand what stirs deep beneath, and the only person that ever saw, blew it.

I'm going to take my heart back with me in my little treasure chest. While it's still full of the good stuff :)

Dads

2011-07-22T01:13:00.000+08:00

Just got back from dinner at Kinki @ Customs House with Edward and Cheryln. The food is soooo yummy, but so overpriced -- but worth a 3rd try anyway for sure!

***

I came back home and stumbled upon Jon Schmidt's "Love Story Meets Viva La Vida"... and hearing it literally made my hair stand on ends!!! It's such a beautiful piece, but what's more beautiful is the story behind it.

Jon Schmidt had arranged this song for his 7 year old daughter, since it was her favourite Taylor Swift song. It's so beautiful, especially when the key changes, it's like you can almost feel daddy's copious love for his little one.

I think the role a father plays in his daughter's life is super important. I won't know the role a father plays in his son's life because I am not a son, nor do I know of any boys who have shared much about their relationship with their dads.

But for sure, I think a father is a pillar stone to his daughter's life. She sees how her father treats her mother, and if he treats mummy well, will find that as she grows older, will look for someone who somewhat resembles her father. Because she sees him as a role model.

If she sees dad ill treating mum, then she will swear to find herself someone who is the polar opposite of her dad. And that leaves her very confused - she won't know what are the good qualities a real man should have. Because all men will probably turn into dads one day too.

So you see fathers, you can make or break your daughters. So please be good to them, because they may never say so, but you mean everything to them.

Good night :)

Take time 2 Realize

2011-07-21T09:08:00.002+08:00

Second time posting this song by Colbie Caillat, but in a totally different context. As I look back, I am amazed at how the tides have turned... almost too soon...

The original meaning of this song is about how 2 friends have been friends for so long -- they are afraid to take the next step to try to move things forward because they are afraid that if things don't work out, their friendship will be lost, and things will never be the same again. Their friendship means too much for them to risk jeopardizing the fine balance of being lovers and friends.

Somehow, in some very queer way, reminds me of Mingwei and I back in secondary school. Although he had expressed interest, I could never take the leap only because he meant too much to me. The late night phone calls, the private jokes, and oh the mischief we got ourselves into -- just us 2. And then, Cheryln came along and swept him off his feet. And then I remember feeling truly elated for them, and then I was sure I made the right decision. See, saying NO isn't always the wrong thing!

But for me, I think this song has a very different meaning -- it is about a person who is afraid of moving things forward because sometimes, when you do, things change, or people change. And not many things can be said in words, because of the so many social rules and constructs. People telling you to do this and don't do that, act this way and not that. Yet you know that they have your interests at heart, but there are just too many voices speaking at one time, you hardly know which is yours anymore. I wish my heart could sing louder and that the world would have a bit more faith in humankind. It's just way tooooo tainted now with all kinds of sordid games. Makes me really sad. Can we go back to the yesterdays where we lived and loved in monochrome? I don't needs these colours, they just act as blinders.

Fear can be friend or foe. Just that at this mo - I don't know if we're on the same team.

A

2011-07-19T10:07:00.006+08:00

I told "A" to stop talking to me for 6 month. And if he still wanted to, to call me back in 2012, when his thoughts were clearer.

This is for the best, because although very harsh, if I never cut the ties off, I will only cause him grief, although he says I only make him happy. What a loooooaaaad of bullshit.

And he might not understand this now, but I hope he will later.

He said "I was running away from him", but no, I'm not running away from him. I have completely no need to run away from him. In fact, I'm asking him and giving him the chance to "run away" from me. Because it has been too long that he has been waiting and it is not right for me to do that to someone else, friend or not. My conscience will not let me pass one day. And the things he buys me, I cannot take anything from him anymore. Even when he says it's for a friend - friends don't do things like that for one another! And even if he can afford it, I can't afford the guilt on my shoulders! It makes me feel downright rotten.

And I feel that I am already betraying someone else. (?!??!??!????!?!? wwhhhhhhyyy??!!???)

I have tried to tell him before, but I cannot ask someone to change their entire life for me. I cannot ask someone to up and leave his base and be in another country with me. It is unfair. And I will not do it -- it is too selfish and considering it by itself churns my stomach to the core.

MY WEAKNESS IS THAT MY CONSCIENCE NEVER LETS ME DO ANYTHING WRONG. UGH!!!!!!!!!

A clear conscience is my best mattress

I choose not to gamble with someone else heart, because what goes around comes around. And it is wrong to allow someone to bleed when you have a band aid in your hand.

Good bye, A. I hope you find the happiness you are looking for, miles away from "home".

***

And so the housekeeping begins... I'm bad at letting someone in easily, but I do a good job letting someone know when the door cannot be open for that person's own sake.

***

Tina

2011-07-19T00:07:00.002+08:00

I re-connected with Tina last week at Matt's wedding. And it was so awesome -- I think the best thing about weddings (for me) is not the beauty of the union of 2 people (I'm already desensitized after the chain of weddings this year), but really, of the people you get reacquainted with!

I think the last time I met Tina before last week was like last year at the Sheares Hall reunion -- though I spoke to her quite a bit then, I had to rush off to beerfest (Gosh, has it really been a year since?) so didn't manage to talk a lot.

But seeing her at Matt's wedding made me so happy. I have never known Tina much, even in hall days. I wonder why, but maybe because she camped out in her room so much, and I was away in the US for 2 years, plus all that warcraft I was playing with the 6th floor boys - we never really got to spend much time together. Maybe I looked intimidating in those says, apparently Tina said I was too "popular"... ahhhh yea my glory days of old....

Anyway, so Tina is getting married! And I think she is BEAUTIFUL. I'm excited going wedding gown choosing with her, because she smiles so widely, it makes me sooo happy, I can hardly contain my excitement! And the way she talks about Clinton, wow, makes me think perfection is perhaps possible!!!

Om nom nom nomz!

Somehow, Tina is totally relatable. And although I tell a lot of my life story to many people, I hardly share everything, only bits and pieces I allow them to know. But with Tina, I wasn't afraid to. Either I am no longer "ashamed" or she brings out the best in me.

Hope to catch her soon again, to try on more gowns, and hopefully I can really go with her to China in September for her ceremony! Yaay! Who knows what it will bring?

Good night, Tina!

***

The blog follower wrote back to me, and I think tonight, I will sleep sweetly :) (after clearing my bloody email box, that is)

L0v3 and other Drugs

2011-07-18T14:08:00.002+08:00

I received an anonymous email from a reader yesterday when I was in KL.

Somehow, this blog has evolved from one with tons of followers to now the very little - those who know about its existence from long back, some perhaps closer friends who once in a while want to catch up. In fact I receive so little comments, that sometimes, I forget that this is an open blog, and I write as if writing to myself. It's become that natural.

When I read the email she sent me, my body went into shock, almost immediately. Like someone had injected an epipen or some adrenalin into my system. There in the middle of lunch during KK's 1st bday, I scrolled through the email, and suddenly, I didn't feel like I wanted to speak much to anyone around me. Ming, James, Darren, Sophia, Pierre, Amanda, Cheryl were all around me having lunch. But for that moment, I wanted to be alone. Just by myself.

So I took my cell, and went to the restroom, locked myself in the puny cubicle, sat on the commode, and re-read the email all over again. Tears filled my eyes, but I had to bite my lips and hold back those uninvited teardrops. MY MASCARA!!!! Dammit!!! I still need to take photos later!!! UGH! I'm such a watering can when it comes to things of the heart. I HATE TEARS! But I never win the battle with it!

Anyway, this girl, I don't even know who she is, has been following my blog for sometimes and is currently going through what I have been going through the last 4 years of my life? Is it possible that somewhere out there, someone is going through what I am, and my writing has helped them tide through tough periods? She had shared with me her experience and her struggle to go through a relationship in its "dying" stages... almost somewhat like a death star...

The thought of that made me shudder to the bones, so maybe even if I just touched 1 person's life through bearing my soul on this blog, everything else would be a bonus already! I won't be able to reveal the details of the email she sent me, but it was heartfelt, and it made me feel connected to someone out there through space and time! Some stranger!

So I ask myself, how many people are actually going through the same thing I went through? Do you know that it is 100% possible to survive and emerge stronger? I'm living testament, and it feels so dayam AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! I really thought my life would be over, but I find out it is only just beginning!!!!!!! And I am filled with such happiness and excitement at the thought of what is to come!

***

I talked to Hue Won today over whatsapp and we were discussing freezing of our eggs , yes cryogenically. Cheryln and I had talked about it a couple of times before but then, never really followed up. Who has ever done it, or know someone who has done it before? Is it safe/painful? What's the procedure like? So they stick some spatula inside you and ....????!???

***

I slept intermittently yesterday. Woke up at 3AM, turned my phone on, and tried to fall back to sleep. It's been quite some time since some person has kept me awake and I don't like it at all. I need to hold on to this rail before I slip off...

Why do I get so affected by something so trivial? I remember those nights in bed, staying awake, trying to count sheep, trying to coax myself to fall asleep when all I felt was bothered sick when the person I cared for was upset with me... but after a while, somehow, when I didn't care much anymore and fell into deep slumber almost instantaneously, I knew then and there that my heart had died.

Now that I feel such emotions again, it throws me off guard, because I have almost forgotten what it feels like!! As if it's unnatural to be affected by a force I seemingly have no control over.

***

Maybe I should start living and stop being afraid any longer...

***

On my flight back to Singapore, I wrote this girl a really lengthy email, sharing with her that pain is very often temporary and that there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - you just have to hold out long enough. I must have wrote for a full hour, because when I hit the "send" button on my BB, the wheels of the plane had just hit the tarmac.

Never be with someone who makes you cry more than laugh....

SUNDAY

2011-07-15T22:44:00.001+08:00

And so Sunday will be the day, where we both will meet again, this time as friends, in the same social setting we're oh so used to, but the only difference is how everyone will view us. No longer as "one", but as 2 separate people.

I wish I could make this easier, but I guess, this day HAS to come somehow, can't run away from it.

See, the thing is, honestly, I won't know how it is going to pan out, but all I can say is that I really want Kay Kay to have an awesome 1st birthday! All our mutual friends will be there, I guess it's no secret now, so I hope everyone treats us like it used to be.

And I hope things will just slip back into the normal it was when we began as friends because it is safe to say now that you no longer have my heart. It belongs somewhere else.

I think I am ready to stand up to the test. FACE ON, SO BRING IT!

Alright, I admit... and other stories...

2011-07-14T10:40:00.005+08:00

OK so it is true, it's no secret. Although I very much prefer flying out of T1 to KL instead of Singapore Budget Terminal... I have NEVER not bought a new pair of shoes when flying out, if I fly from T1.

This leads me to regret for the following reasons, so may this be a reminder NEVER to buy another pair of shoes from T1! Please exercise some self control...

1) I have to lug a WHOLE shoe box from SIN->KL->SIN
2) I never check in my bags so my shoulder hurts from the weight
3) Waste money!!!!
4) Impulse shopping/retail therapy (knowing the work that needs to be done in KL)
5) Time I spend looking at shoes that I literally have to RUN to the gate minutes before closing :(

***

In other news, I'll share a bit later. I met someone interesting in the plane...

***

Today must be my uber lucky day!!!! Summit hotel didn't have a corporate king room, so Mamee upgraded my room to a corporate suite - comes with wifi, and brekkie at the top floor corporate lounge.. eat your heart out suckers!!!!! The room is 50% bigger, comes with a proper working desk, a flat screen TV, higher quality toiletries, a sofa and coffee table. No complains... but the room costs 2x more!

***

I'm normally anti-social in the plane, especially when I'm traveling alone -- I blast my music in my headphones and read whatever material I bring along with me, but today I made a friend! This is very atypical of me because I'm not those who make friends on the plane -- I'm never bored enough to that extent, and I feel that once you start talking to a stranger, you're obliged to talk the entire duration, and I'd rather do my own thing...

Anyway, so this guy starts asking me what I do, why I'm traveling, and he sort of seems like a harmless person, so for the first time, I let down my defenses, pulled off my ear phones and start conversing with him. Perhaps it was also because he was sweet enough to help me with my luggage when I boarded that I must have thought that he must be a good person. (Naive statement, I know, serial killers always start off by being exceptionally helpful)

I don't know, maybe he's between 35 to 38 years old, very pleasant looking (actually quite handsome), looks smart, speaks well. He tells me a bit about what he does, where he travels to. And I think, hey this guy actually is a nice person! We share a couple of budget airline jokes and poke fun at some people in the plane. And then I realize that sometimes I can indeed be quite guarded. What's the harm of making a friend on the plane, why so closed minded??! Can prove to be fun, if you both want to waste away an hour...

Anyway before we disembark, he passes me his business card, and for the first time, I see a wedding band on his finger. I paused for a split second -- should I exchange mine? After all, it's totally harmless, I'll never see this dude ever again...

Then I find myself saying, as if instinctively without consideration, "Sorry, didn't bring my card."

The truth is that I did have my card with me, and I could have exchanged it, and I'm not saying we had a moment - no - we just really could connect and the hour passed by real quick. But then as I walked down the sky bridge to the immigration counter, I realized that the reason I've instinctively reacted by not exchanging a card was because, through time, especially in the last 4 years of being with Ming, I've become so disciplined with my life, everything was clockwork, "turn down every guy", "don't even bother with a male other than who you are with", "don't flirt with any other male", "there is only ONE person important", that when I'm single, somehow I still think I owe someone something. I still feel as if I'm betraying someone.

Or is it because deep inside I already feel there a someone now? And then I tell myself not to be silly and get ahead of myself.

Can't tell really, but as I was in the cab, I continued to ponder at my actions.. trying hard to figure out the root of it. But I really couldn't weed out the real reason.

1 thing is clear though, stay off men with wedding bands, at all cost. If you respect another female's property, then you respect yourself. Simple :)

PAIN & PLEASURE

2011-07-13T12:22:00.004+08:00

The amount of pain I went through this AM, ohmigod. Awoke at 6AM thinking the world was going to end.

And then it only got worse, all the way up to 11AM, where I almost could not stand straight or walk. The cashier at 7-11 had to ask if I wanted a glass of hot water.

Maybe my pain threshold is low, then how to give birth?! Tsk.

If you think a severe bout of gastric flu is bad, think again.

***

In other news, I stumbled upon a Kevin Kern classic and all of a sudden, and as always, got transported back in time, circa 2001-2002.

I wonder what Sherwin Tan is doing now. He basically sublimated from the surface of this earth! (Classic case of potentially right person, wrong timing - also known as the CZC effect in my books). The last time I heard, he was studying in LSE, but anyway he obviously doesn't want to remain friends, so I'm not going to make the effort.

It's funny although I have almost zilch memory of him years on (other than the spider story he told me that was meant to ameliorate the almost "estranged" relationship we had then, but instead made me crack up until I grew a set of abs that night) -- but he brought me to a concert that made my eyes open to the world of new age style piano recital. What a brilliant pianist this prodigy is - Kevin kern, a Mozart of our times.

I remember sitting in the concert hall, and although Sherwin was beside me, everything seemed to get drowned out, I was mesmerized by the sounds this man was making. And I couldn't help but realize that there must be a God, a God of music!! How else could talent like that be birthed out of nothing, it must be inherited!

Anyway, my memory is fuzzy but somehow, I have run askew from what I intended to say - this always happens mid thought, I am sooo bad at keeping a train of thought - Isn't Kevin Kern AWESOMENESS in a nutshell?!?