I'm OLD. I'm DYING...

I visited Dawn's popo today because she just went for an op. I didn't know what to buy so I guess she had to make do with the standard grapes and peaches..

But maybe it was just an excuse to visit Dawn since she "breaks up" with me this Sunday for Australian boys. *horror horror*

I enjoy the times we lie in bed just talking and laughing and doing nothing. I also very much enjoy throwing her chou chou pillow soft toy off the bed. Stinky old and raggity soft toy of hers. It's so stinky and ugly, I wish I could throw it away for good. Anyway sensitive topic since she is totally devoted to that unfortunate looking piece of CRAP.

We chat a bit, watch Animal Planet (only because I insist -- she's the MTV sort of girl) and wait for Amy to come. The both of them were going for Mambo night, so I guess I was around to join in/watch the make up session, where girls trade gossips -- ranging from boyfriends, crushes, sex (oooh, yes we actually talk about that too!), sales, clothes, shoes, new fragrances, and AMY's DIOR EARRINGS! (I hate her!)

As I lay in bed, I watch Dawn brushing on blusher on Amy's face, both of them excited to paint the town red and pick up some boys. Then for a moment, I feel out of place. Maybe I'm old, but these things never interested me. Clubs, loud music, gyrating with some stranger, smoke up ur nostrills, ears throbbing from the speakers booming. I would like to say that I've overgrown that phase, but the truth is that I have never even been through that phase. I look at them -- Amy is obviously excited as she talks about her boyfriend and her old life of making out with boys at clubs before she met him. Hmmm maybe love can really change someone - but for how long?

Amy is still young -- just 21 so she has the right to have as much fun as she wants. But then I'm not that much older, but I feel a generation apart, maybe too conservative. I like quiet night out at friend's place, drinking coffee and chilling out @ Harry's or Wala, house chill out sessions -- more relaxing things to do on a weeknight out.

I watch Dawn put on a layer of lip gloss on Amy and I remember when I used to help my lil sister make up before going out.

I walk out of the room, sit in the living room and stare at the aquarium. Over 20 orange parrot fishes swim in circles in a small tank. I stare. I stare harder, my eyes glazing over. I am lost in thoughts. I shouldn't be born human, maybe I was meant to be a fish, swimming in circles, over and over again, with not a care in this world.

I'm truly getting older, grandmother-ish, not only that but I'm such a bore thee days. All I think about is work and getting what I want to accomplish in life - planning planing planning. I'm aging too fast and forgetting how to have fun. Part of me laments and is really sad and angry that I have stolen the ability to learn to have fun from myself. I was the robber and I, my own victim. Did I miss the most important part of my youth and now have reached the point of no return?

Have I grown up too fast to stop and smell the scents of flowers (and alcohol and smoke at clubs?)

I don't smoke, no - I've never been to Zouk - don't drink and maybe after all, I don't really have a life. Maybe I should go buy myself a flashy car and show off, too early for a mid life crisis eh? :(

Maybe I'll just go to bed...


Anonymous said...

It is called Quarter Life Crisis. You are a tad too young to have mid life.

Peter said...

Bon Jovi has the quality for both a singer and a preacher. Listen to this song by Bon Jovi

This song resonates with my inner thoughts When my brain starts to generate funny ideas. I remember my life is that now who I am, where am I at and where I want to be.

It's simply interesting that this blog entry of yours in written under such an uncommon title which reflects only little of what was written in the blog post - you are implying "The Grass on the other side is greener" - is that really the case?

Loving the things that you do, infusing your inner emotions into actions, grunts about your life still surprises me. Because I sense a feeling of wannabes in this very entry. Recall the joy you had when you shared in an umbrella, had a fun time eating good food :)

It always keep me wonder why you applied such a harsh/high standard on yourself for things that would become just trivial in the long run. Instead of reading Blink, I think 4-hour-workweek is a good reading to clear up some thoughts.

Kevin wrote a blogpost about the drink Whatever before, the only bit remained in my brain was the show he quoted in the end
Watch this bit of Ze Frank. As a thinking tank, his view on happiness is something I agree with and made a lot of sense to me.

Have a happy day, busy day, your day.

eStee said...

crispy: i think this really is quater life, crisis man... need prozac

eStee said...

Peter: Guess I'm a pretty deep person. I think alot and have a lot brewing inside but sometimes I don't verbalise. Maybe this is a sign of old age... but life isnt that easy, not what you think it is...

Peter said...

Estee: I know you had a lot of thinking going around in your mind and quite some emotion flowing in your heart. However, only God and you know the extends of those activities, being those positive or not that positive.

What you described is not getting old, rather it is a sign that you are getting more and more complex due to the influence of this world, you are getting in love with this world.

In your heart, there are conflicts, desires and more.

To know a person well, words play the least role, she could talk in whatever way she felt like talking in - What you write does not reflect your true state of mind, a mere product of your mind, your thoughts blended with your intention. It's an act, a play, a smart game. Those ideas in between the lines, those actions you made, those silent pauses, your body language and the feeling you rendered through your tones reflects more of your true self. I think your studying psychology gives you an advantage over this. And learning magic has always been a pleasure for me.

Only the paranoid survive? Perhaps that's true in some parts of the world, however, carrying it around the place produces interesting results.

Your fear of Izzy on the team is not entirely caused by the rebelliousness she had, but there is more.


I love who you really are.

Anonymous said...

You're not old, Estee, you just don't prefer those things in life.

Like you I don't fancy clubs, loud music, etc., anymore, and do prefer that nice little cuppa with friends instead.

At least that's what I tell myself, lol!

Life's yours, live it up whichever way you want.

Anonymous said...

Tee-Tee Teo,

I wasn't excited about going to Zouk! On the contrary, I was going because Amy wanted to go and she doesn't have many friends here. For the record, I wanted to go home desperately by 1 a.m. I'm also an "ah mah" now. And I'm not abandoning you for "Australian boys"...*SIGH* Should I buy an LV trunk and just stick you in it and take you back with me? -Dawnie-

Unknown said...

Man.... you are too young to be thinking about these things. Then again, now is always the best time to ponder about the deeper things in life. For me, I am definitely right smack in the mid life crisis zone, and I wake up everyday wondering why I go through the same things again and again...

brian koh said...

you got a good head on your shoulders. our friends and us always choose different paths for ourselves, we all cope in different ways, and we all choose to love in different ways.

there's a gap inside we all try to fill, be it the noise of the world around, or the serenity within -)

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