I am a thinker, I was born one. There is very little time my mind is idle, there is hardly a moment that I’m not thinking of anything. Maybe that is my greatest curse, which is why when I am happy, it consumes all of me, but when I feel blue, my whole world caves in.
I snapped on my invisaligns this morning, and they slipped in almost easily – as if there wasn’t any resistance. Just yesterday, I snapped them on after not having worn them for 2 nights, and the amount of pain that shot through my nerve endings on my teeth sent hairs standing down my back. I wanted to throw them off to rid myself of the immense agony, but I had to take my mind to a happy place.
But today, they slipped on as if they were meant to fit like a glove.
Then, I had an epiphany – life is exactly like that! The birth pains of something always seem to kill you initially, make you think you cannot survive the searing pain, but the body is a lot stronger than what we make it to be. Soon, we become desensitized and our mind forces us to adapt, and build a resistance to the “plank in our eye”. Our body follows suit, by allowing avenue of pain reliefs such as crying hysterically (thank God I don’t do this), the capacity to stomach a whole tub of B&Js at a sitting, and many other weird coping mechanisms sometimes we never knew existed. And almost as quickly as the pain starts, it fades away and we find ourselves miles from where we initially were, looking back and at the weakling we were.
But, you see, admitting pain is not synonymous with being weak. In fact, I think the ability to admit that you hurt, is by itself showing resolution and strength. Many a time, I have covered up or denied the fact that I feel pain, put up this impenetrable façade, but over the last 6 months, its as if experience has morphed me into something/ someone who can easily admit the hurt. It is, afterall, but human. Even superman had his times where he broke down! When I met the girls, I told them exactly how I felt, and normally I would only tell a couple of them, but then, what the heck, there was no need anymore to put up the walls, this bunch has known me since I was 13. And I opened the floodgates (verbally, no tears lah!).
So at this moment, there is a dull ache still, there is the fear of failure, the fear of feeling totally “naked” in front of another, the fear of being transparent in absolute terms. But yesterday, I entered a different plane, it was as if someone took a knife and twisted it 7 inches into my chest cavity. Really yesterday the amount of pain I felt, it was a knee jerk reaction as it brought me back 10 years ago when I broke for the first time. But the truth was that in half an hour, and a tub of ice cream and phone call later, I was back up and running, ready to face the world head on again. I think my recovery time improves each time, isn’t it amazing??! I should be entered into the guiness book of records or something… :)
It’s funny how something as small as my invisaligns can bring such a huge realization to me. And as I sit in my cab on the way to Shangri-la in KL for my lunch appointment, I cannot help but to grit my teeth against my invisaligns, trying hard to find an angle which would hurt my gums. But I cannot! They are so comfortable now, just a day after snapping them on tight.
If it’s anything like the course of this dental treatment, in 6 months time, I will have perfectly straight teeth, happy with my new smile and pearly whites. I can only hope that my life follows the same path. No pain, no gain, baby! Otherwise, like snoop dog says, “drop it like it’s hot.”
Cheryln asked me last night, “It’s not worse than Zheng Chang right?” – I jerk instinctively back upon hearing his name, register her words, laugh with careless abandon, “Like Zheng Chang? No of course not. I’m better than that, not a chance, not even close” I look at her with a twinkle in my eye and she nods in acknowledgement. I really meant it, I’ve lept over the great wall of china 10 years ago, and although my muscles are stiff and I haven’t had much practice leaping over walls since then, if anything, it would be a small hedge, nothing to fret about.
Nonetheless, I stick to my promise, to try hard at it and see where this thing called life takes me. Even if the results is sub optimal, I know I put my best into it, and I can walk away with no regrets. None at all.
I’ve come so far, too far to risk turning into a pillar of salt. Don’t hold your breath.