I am very very unhappy, very very angry. Part of me wants to go ballistic. I feel moral injustice for a friend and I am so tempted to go on all media platforms to shame a particular person, but I bite my tongue and hold my fingers back, because it is not the right thing to do. An eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind.
Pete Michell, Regional Director of Neo@Ogilvy beat up my friend last night. When I met him late at night, he was so flustered, his lip cut up, his pants torn up, shirt stained, and his car dented in so many places. How can someone have the guts to do that to someone else, for no reason whatsoever?
And I know I'm going on a racist rant here, but if you are a foreigner, and if you think you can come here and think yourself superior to us Singapore citizens, you can go home. Take your family and leave this place, we don't want you. You need to respect us, as we respect you. This is NOT your home, it is somewhere you are staying temporarily, so don't trifle with us.
I am angry, my blood is boiling, I want this guy to pay for what he has done to my friend, the audacity. Go back to the UK, it doesn't matter how high a post you hold in however big a company - you are trash if you don't have the decency to own up to your faults. Man up and pay for your mistakes, if not you will risk being deported. We might earn less than you, but that doesn't give you the right to think we are any less. Remember, if you're so damn good, your own country would have kept you. The cream of the crop are never allowed to leave.
Hansen and I spent the night with Jon, talking to him, and just allowing him to rant. He had so much anger and pent up emotions, he just needed to let it out. To think I had to drive to Melaka at 6AM in the morning... I was exhausted, more emotionally than physically.
The thing I admire most about Jon is his immense resilience. He has been through a lot more than a normal person. His parents died in a plane crash when he was young, and within the last year, his gf cheated on him, he got caught for driving while on his cell, he lost his new iphone, he got rejected by a girl he liked, he lost his job, got cheated of a sum of money by a "friend", crashed his own car, bought a new car and had to service the loan just as he lost his job. If this had happened to a normal person (i.e me), I would have died several times over. But no - he fights on, he perseveres, and despite everything, when we leave him to go home from our outings, and he's always has a smile on his face. I was telling Hansen, we have so much to learn from him.
And I think to myself, my problems are just a speck of dust compared to his. Nothing gets this guy down. I must learn to be like him, be optimistic, and bounce back up.
***
I am doing well, I drove to Melaka and back today and whenever I drive for long stretches, I get to think about my life. I am starting to see things differently; starting to evaluate things from a different perspective. I met Pastor Ong yesterday afternoon and indeed, meeting him always makes me rethink about the priorities in my life - how I need to do some major reshuffling. He is always right, I am hiding, sometimes from myself.
***
I am starting to think that my mind is much more powerful that I had initially thought it to be. I am no longer the weakling I was. Life toughens the spirit, strengthens the mind and will. Cheryln has this ability to kill her heart almost instantaneously, when hurt. Almost as instinctive as when a snail recoils into its shell in danger. I remember when David betrayed her, she killed her heart in 4 days. 4 friggin' days!
A year of memories, happiness, everything, erased in 4 days. Record time. It is a blessing, as well as a curse. A blessing because you are immune to hurt, a curse because you never allow yourself to go through the normal mourning and healing cycle that everyone goes though, you zip past it, and put on the blinders. Block out the hurt, mentally shelve it, move on, harden your heart. Kill it.
I remember on Friday night when me met, she looked me in the eye and said with absolute seriousness "Estee, kill it." There was a silence, as I solemnly accepted - I think a part of me died that moment, the weak part.
Sometimes I fear that I am becoming cold like that as well. I used to mope when relationships fail, lament for a long time, but some how this time, I feel almost that I can clinically kill an emotion, the way an arm gets surgically amputated. A moment is there, the next it is not, and you only feel phantom pain once in a while. And even so, you cast it out and spit on it when any phantom pain arises. Am I becoming a tin man with no heart anymore?
It's not that I don't miss J. I do, and as I am writing this, I wonder what he is up to, how is getting around with his knee banged up. I am still concerned about him, I still care enough for him to worry about his work and the deals he had almost coming through. But just as I type this, I cast this thought out of my head, it doesn't matter what he is up to, he is not coming back, he has chosen his path, I made a vow to leave him alone, give him his space and I will not ever proactively contact him again. And that is the way it will stay. I will not waver, I will not look back and blame myself (as always), lest I turn into a pillar of salt. He has lost a good thing. He can be as cold as he wants, I need to find my own fireplace.
***
It upset me that no children were swimming today in the children's pool as I went to the gym. Where are they, my day feels almost incomplete.
***
I forgive Pete Michell, I shall no more be angry at him. I release my anger. He has hurt me because he has hurt my friend, and I will fiercely protect those I love. I will not apologize for that.
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