A ribbon around my pinky

This is to remind me that I've had way too many sleepless night. I rouse at 4AM only because I cannot sleep any longer, despite having to fly out to KL in just a bit, my heart is heavy.

Just at that time, my guardian angel whatsapps me and she says she might just join me in KL later in the day. We will meet AJ for dinner there - I think it is going to be a fun night out. but I digress.

It is only Wednesday and once again, I find myself discontent with the state of my life, wondering why am I being put through this test. If I could turn back the hands of time 4 months back, or even, 6 months, would I have changed a thing? Maybe I would have. Just maybe.

Actually these trips to KL are good for me, they give me some time away from life in Singapore -- from everything in general. I must love pain because despite complaining so much, maybe I quite enjoy it, the pain I mean. Perhaps that is why I keep torturing myself.

I look into the mirror and brush my teeth. Ouch. They hurt. I have just snapped on a new pair of invisaligns last night before I slept, the dull ache reminds me of the state of my life. But also reminds me about my post about invisaligns a few weeks ago -- how they serve as a parallel on how pain moulds one self to be better, harder, stronger. I hesitate before putting on my aligners again, right after brushing my teeth, they feel sore, I don't want to snap them back on. I want a break. My gums hurt so much, maybe I just want to cry. I look at the mirror again, wow my teeth have really become a lot straighter since 6 months ago when I started my very first pair of aligners. I run my fingers through the entire row of bottom teeth, just one more tooth needs to really get shifted in, then I'll have straight teeth, for good.

See? Once again, my aligners have come to "save the day". Isn't that the story of my life now? Just need to correct this one portion, then everything will be "aligned" -- pun intended.

I snap my aligners back on again, close my eyes, as I feel the pain soar through my gums and right into my temples. Ouch. They do hurt, but I have to snap them on nonetheless. Just another 4 months more, and it'll be perfect.

I head back to bed and toss and turn, and tell Dorcas I am grieved for the same reason as I have been for some time. The thing is that when I am with him -- next to him -- I am happy, but when I am not, it feels as if I'm not even there. it's inconsistent, its unacceptable.

He goes to KL for 3 days and I don't hear from him and he says, its because he wanted to give me some "space". Maybe he is the one that really needs it, so for the last time, can I please wake up my idea? I have to give him what he wants, and give myself a break. I need to run through in my mind why I have come to this conclusion -- why he is bad for me, why I need to run as far as my feet will carry me. But you see, I need to work with him for another 3 months, how do I keep things professional? I just have to steel my will and suck it up.

I am supposed to write less of him, but somehow, I feel this is my only avenue to express any sort of grief to anyone, it's the only way I can show how imperfect I am. So I shall remind myself that I am better without him because

1) I will be able to sleep more without a heavy heart on my pillow
2) I will be able to be free to explore other options
3) I have closed the door on too many options because of him (how dumb)
4) I need to catch up on lost time
5) He is too old, he doesn't have energy for me
6) He is inconsistent -- I am at a stage of my life when I need consistency
7) I do not think he likes children -- and I adore kids
8) He is cold
9) I need to be happy once again
10) He doesn't know how to care for me (in the way I want it)
11) He has too many excuses; and I make too many for him
12) I deserve someone who can treat me like I am special

Need I name more?

I'm thinking now, who should I give the golf balls to? He definitely doesn't deserve my goodwill.
Maybe I'll give them to AJ -- he is awesome at golf too, and it will make someone happy.

Can I please not waver in my decision anymore? I am like a ship tossing at sea. I am indecisive, I am too weak most of the times, especially when I need to be strong.

My aligners will only hurt for a few more days until my next one comes, and so will my heart, so I just need to toughen it up, suck it up and soon all this will be history. Never forget. Never. Don't look back please, you know you will only melt.

I said a specific prayer last night before going to bed, God please answer me.

I hope Dorcas comes to KL with stay with me tonight, I HATE the loneliness. It's Loud.

Buy.com coupon codes are always available for Kelly Clarkson CD's.


Cornelius said...

I've been looking all my life, and when I decided to throw my hands in the air in frustration and stop, I lucked out. A million and one clichés comes to mind and though you might feel blasé about it, sometimes you just let go and let God. Perhaps an exercise of trust with Creator will translate to a more fruitful practice with a physical person? Know that you're better than a dusty CD-can't let others blow you off and play you around, haha.

eStee said...

Hey Cornelius, I think I've just made the best decision this lifetime. Im over the moon right now!

Cornelius said...

Really? And what might that be? Text me to gimme details if you wish.

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