BLESSED are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. -- Matthew 5:4
I don't remember crying very much before a month ago. Maybe once and again when a touching testimony gets told or if I'm interceding for financial breakthrough for Sherman, ot if I feel compassion for another person, it's easy for me to shed tears. But when it comes to shedding tears for myself and my circumstances, I hardly remember when I last did -- perhaps March/April of 2012, which was the last time I had a huge cry.
Perhaps its the thought that it is weak, and it makes me vulnerable and it is just so pathetic to cry for myself.
The past month, there is not a day go buy that I do not shed tears. Whether it is a big cry or a small tear, can I just say that it is amazing what a cry can do? It releases some sort of relief over the tension felt. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying for but it is good. And i think God created tears to wash away the pain and there isn't a need to fight it.
Today as I was worshipping in my room, I was telling the Lord what I felt and the tears just poured. God I'm scared of what the future holds, God I'm scared I will never heal. God I'm scared I will get betrayed again. God I'm scared I will forever be stuck in this place in limbo. God help me get well soon. God accelerate things, bring Your promises to past fast. God help me find my destiny. Let me hear Your voice.
And for some strange reason, I felt very sleepy and lay down to rest. And I had a wonderful sleep with Bethel music at the background. And when I roused from my sleep, my entire being was uplifted. I felt light and peaceful, nothing like what I felt when I had a huge cry. No, God didnt speak to me in my sleep, i didnt hear an audible voice telling me it would all be OK, but I felt as if god was clearing the junk of today. Clearing my mind, my negative thoughts, my confusion.
It's as if these days, crying is becoming so common and its almost cathartic. It's quite beautiful. I'm have no idea if this is biblical at all, but just sharing what happened today.