STUPID is my middle name

I hate myself sometimes. Do you know how angry I am? I spent all that time on the Cognitive Neuroscience paper only to get a C+. !@#!@#$%^&$%^&* I almost broke down when I saw it. This is my damn honours year, I need to keep my grades up! No matter how much I HATE to study, SIngapore has made it that if you don't do well in school, you are ruined! If I don't maintain my second upper, I'm seriously just going to kill myself. Now I understand why people actually take their lives, what's the point of living when everything you work for just screws you over.

I miss 2 year long life in USA, I want to go back there. Where I worked for ACI, I had atonomy and PASSION in doing what I loved. I would look forward to going to work everyday. EVeryday I was faced with challenges, but I enjoyed what I did and saw that I made a difference. I was so busy there but not once did I complain. It was such a good experience!!

Now I'm back in Singapore, everything is so screwed up. I get judged only based on my results. What the hell, it's so super sickening. I have no passion in what I'm studying, I'm just doing it for some dumb certificate. Seriously, this just isn't worth it. Yah so it's the angry BITCH in my screaming out, but what can I do?

Despite being so busy with being teaching assistant for Douglas's MBA class, I have so much passion in what I'm doing. I'm actually part of making things happen and I can have the autonomy to do what I want and help others. This is what I am passionate about! The lessons are so exciting. And the worst thing is that I'm not even in the course, I'm just helping him out!!!! It is super wrong that I am enjoying these entrepreneurial classes and hating those from my major. Plus now I'm helping with another project with TDM and I'm like so passionate about that too. I love making things happen and conceptualizing ideas... that's really what I love!!! WHy does it have to feel this way?

So then I got another paper back today also and I topped the class. Meaning that I was even requested to scan my paper in and submit it to the entire class. Dr. C wrote," Dear Estee, I think your essay is a very good example of what I was looking for. If you have time to type or scan it, please upload it onto IVLE, the rest will appreciate it. You can mentioned that I told you to do that". DO you know when I read it, I had to double check if it was my name and I came back to my room and re read my paper twice because I cannot even believe that it was me that achieved such a thing. I mean, Ive been so battered and bruised, it's like I don't even believe in myself anymore.

I really hate this life, but I know it really is up to me. My attitude determines my altitude, I should put more faith in God, it's just everything is making me so jaded now. I graduate in December and it's like... I NEED TO KEEP MY GRADES UP! Although I know that in the ong run, grades are insignificant. But they are NOW!!!!!!!!

I just need to grow up and understand that it's a hard knock life. Suck it up and stup the hell up. No use complaining like a baby. Nothing is going to change. Stupud, truly is my middle name. FUCK.

11 comments:

nicole said...

hello estee,

I understand your frustrations, hang in there and things will get better yeah? =)

eStee said...

Thanks babe! I was just needing some where to vent my frustrations. I feel a lot better now! :) thanks! But seriously, school is not my forte~

nicole said...

haha, i guess i am not good at sch work too... lol, but i think sg way of looking at grades will only scare away talented pple who dun have gd grades :)

just my 2 cents =)

DK said...

Well, perhaps you should start thinking about what you want to do in life. Are you going to be an employee or an entrepreneur?

From reading your blog, I see that you are aiming for something big. If your path is to be an entrepreneur, then why bother so much about the grades?

Jaslyn said...

hey babe,

know how that feels. hang in there... its just one more sem! :) Going through that too, and worse.. like how my class participation isn't that high because I dont see the point in speaking for the sake of making noise.

Chilllll... and yeap, if you're planning to be your own boss, screw the grades. But yeah, theres this little bit in us that just tells us however much we want to do that, we cant :\

eStee said...

Thanks guys. Do you know that 1 out of 100 entrepreneurs manage to break even with their businesses? 1 out of a thousand succeed. Easier said than done right? If you don't have good track record and port folio, which angel or VC is going to invest in you? See, so starts this sick cycle carousel which leads back to not doing well is school = disaster = hell = byebyebye

ar zhou said...

Hey, do not get so bummed out over grades k? Leave that to chemical engineers like me :)

But knowing you well enough, I know your passion for doing things well exceeds what your grades can tell about a person. So I wouldn't worry too much about grades, just finish up your final year and go out there and make it big :)

Cheer up k, I will cook for you that rock shrimp dish from POD.

eStee said...

Woot! rock shrimps and TIRAMISU too!! that one cannot do without hahah! hmmm what about pumpkin bread!!?? Or mudpie? or better still, creme brulee

DK said...

Well... if you don't try, you won't have the chance to be that 1 out of 1000. :)

rayner said...

C+ for the term paper ... but that's just the term paper...the difference between a C+ and B could just be 5 marks... and you still can get A for final grades ... remember bell curve? =o) Cheer up! you know you don't really need those grades anymore...

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