I hate myself sometimes. Do you know how angry I am? I spent all that time on the Cognitive Neuroscience paper only to get a C+. !@#!@#$%^&$%^&* I almost broke down when I saw it. This is my damn honours year, I need to keep my grades up! No matter how much I HATE to study, SIngapore has made it that if you don't do well in school, you are ruined! If I don't maintain my second upper, I'm seriously just going to kill myself. Now I understand why people actually take their lives, what's the point of living when everything you work for just screws you over.
I miss 2 year long life in USA, I want to go back there. Where I worked for ACI, I had atonomy and PASSION in doing what I loved. I would look forward to going to work everyday. EVeryday I was faced with challenges, but I enjoyed what I did and saw that I made a difference. I was so busy there but not once did I complain. It was such a good experience!!
Now I'm back in Singapore, everything is so screwed up. I get judged only based on my results. What the hell, it's so super sickening. I have no passion in what I'm studying, I'm just doing it for some dumb certificate. Seriously, this just isn't worth it. Yah so it's the angry BITCH in my screaming out, but what can I do?
Despite being so busy with being teaching assistant for Douglas's MBA class, I have so much passion in what I'm doing. I'm actually part of making things happen and I can have the autonomy to do what I want and help others. This is what I am passionate about! The lessons are so exciting. And the worst thing is that I'm not even in the course, I'm just helping him out!!!! It is super wrong that I am enjoying these entrepreneurial classes and hating those from my major. Plus now I'm helping with another project with TDM and I'm like so passionate about that too. I love making things happen and conceptualizing ideas... that's really what I love!!! WHy does it have to feel this way?
So then I got another paper back today also and I topped the class. Meaning that I was even requested to scan my paper in and submit it to the entire class. Dr. C wrote," Dear Estee, I think your essay is a very good example of what I was looking for. If you have time to type or scan it, please upload it onto IVLE, the rest will appreciate it. You can mentioned that I told you to do that". DO you know when I read it, I had to double check if it was my name and I came back to my room and re read my paper twice because I cannot even believe that it was me that achieved such a thing. I mean, Ive been so battered and bruised, it's like I don't even believe in myself anymore.
I really hate this life, but I know it really is up to me. My attitude determines my altitude, I should put more faith in God, it's just everything is making me so jaded now. I graduate in December and it's like... I NEED TO KEEP MY GRADES UP! Although I know that in the ong run, grades are insignificant. But they are NOW!!!!!!!!
I just need to grow up and understand that it's a hard knock life. Suck it up and stup the hell up. No use complaining like a baby. Nothing is going to change. Stupud, truly is my middle name. FUCK.