Letter to my Papa

Dearest Daddy:

You have my world. Even when things collapse I know you are there. I need to feel you with me. The darkness is overwhelming and I know I feel I am slipping further and further in. It's supposed to feel better with time, but why does it feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper.

Lord, only you know the extent to this double betrayal. Even I don't know the full extent but Lord, You are my Father and you understand the pain from the deep recesses of my soul. You understand the feeling of loss and abandonment as You too, experienced it on the cross. I am trying to fight my mind and get out of this. But Dad, I need help, and I need you to lift me out of this pit. I don't want to wallow in self pity anymore. It is enough, I need to stand up tall. The people who have betrayed and walked away have done so without conscience or without a tear shed. Why should I be sitting here in the dark, with tears streaming down my face? it's not worth it. they are not worth a drop of my tear.

Lord, you see what is going on, and Lord you are my justice. You are my peace. You are my Father. God nothing happens without you knowing, without you missing out. And you see everything, nothing escapes you eyes every injustice, every brokenness, every tear, every pain. God you must see all that is happening, the world is Yours and everything that goes with it You created.

God, pls pull me out, and also be my helper. I need you more than any other time now, and it's like I don't want to sink anymore deeper. This needs to stop. The buck stops here. God, let me see you work, let me see your faithfulness. God I know your mercy never fails and you are gracious to the very end, and God I wish will not let Your daughter fade into the night.

Show me your hand in all this, show me where you are in this, show me Your goodness. God you are close to me, I know. Even though the darkness encloses in, I know you are near. Help me to make it heart knowledge and help me to see Your face in the midst of the shadows. God I can't breathe without you.

You are a just God. You said You are to never leave me or forsake me, and although I feel as if I am alone, You have to be here beside me. You will never ever leave my side. I'm following You all the days of my life.

It's so hard to forgive and give mercy. It's easy to be angry and be broken, but that only hurts noone but me. And I'm tired of wasting away. But my limbs do not follow what my mind says, instead is a puppet to the string of my heart. When will this all be over? I couldnt be born for a reason like this. There has to be more.

God I have so many nasty thoughts and evil thoughts and curbing them hurts because I know that is what You would want me to do. It really doesnt have to be such a sick joke.

God, You must be all that You say you are. Show me.

Realignment ALWAYS hurts

Yesterday I went for a full body massage, just because Cheryln was nice enough to accompany me for that evening. I'm trying to get out more, not to coop myself up and drowning myself with work. it is rather unhealthy. Like becoming a hermit crab. I very much have to force myself out of this room. I must be very fair, I hardly see the sun.

As the masseurs was working on my neck and back, she said that although I have strong muscles, if I continued to slouch which on the computer, my body would pay for it later on. She then used her entire weight to knead away the knots on my neck and back. Ouch -- it really really hurt. Many times I told her to just stop and work on other areas, but she refused, saying that it would be for my own good. I needed to endure as she was realigning my muscles.

Today as I got up, my entire neck and back was aching. Why would I pay for something that gave me the pain which wasn't there before? So weird.

I guess realignment is as such -- it hurts now so it wouldnt hurt later. My entire neck is so painful, I wonder if she has done more harm than good.

God must be realigning my life, thoughI must say that he is the masseurs that NEVER goes wrong. I just wished it would not hurt so bad.

Blessed are those who mourn

BLESSED are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. -- Matthew 5:4

I don't remember crying very much before a month ago. Maybe once and again when a touching testimony gets told or if I'm interceding for financial breakthrough for Sherman, ot if I feel compassion for another person, it's easy for me to shed tears. But when it comes to shedding tears for myself and my circumstances, I hardly remember when I last did -- perhaps March/April of 2012, which was the last time I had a huge cry.

Perhaps its the thought that it is weak, and it makes me vulnerable and it is just so pathetic to cry for myself.

The past month, there is not a day go buy that I do not shed tears. Whether it is a big cry or a small tear, can I just say that it is amazing what a cry can do? It releases some sort of relief over the tension felt. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying for but it is good. And i think God created tears to wash away the pain and there isn't a need to fight it.

Today as I was worshipping in my room, I was telling the Lord what I felt and the tears just poured. God I'm scared of what the future holds, God I'm scared I will never heal. God I'm scared I will get betrayed again. God I'm scared I will forever be stuck in this place in limbo. God help me get well soon. God accelerate things, bring Your promises to past fast. God help me find my destiny. Let me hear Your voice.

And for some strange reason, I felt very sleepy and lay down to rest. And I had a wonderful sleep with Bethel music at the background. And when I roused from my sleep, my entire being was uplifted. I felt light and peaceful, nothing like what I felt when I had a huge cry. No, God didnt speak to me in my sleep, i didnt hear an audible voice telling me it would all be OK, but I felt as if god was clearing the junk of today. Clearing my mind, my negative thoughts, my confusion.

It's as if these days, crying is becoming so common and its almost cathartic. It's quite beautiful. I'm have no idea if this is biblical at all, but just sharing what happened today.

I want to be a JOSEPH

Just last night, I had such a mighty revelation, and as I lay in my bed, I heard the greatest sermon ever and after a huge cry, I saw a HUGE rainbow! Yaay! I will perhaps share more about the sermon by Danny Silk another day as I'm getting so much revelation from it up to now. And there are so many things I feel I am being prepared for and I'm still trying to piece together what God is telling me. But I'm seeing Him show me the way, and it is getting clearer. And it is looking GOOD! hahahaha!

I want to be like Joseph. I am aspiring to be like Joseph. As I read his story, I am filled with admiration for this mighty man of God. Not only did he not expose his brothers for being evil to him and for hurting him and destroying his life, even when Joseph was being victimised by his brothers and the opportunity came when he could have withheld grain from them and threw them in the dungeon, Joseph never once dishonoured his brother. No one ever got to know the offences his brothers perpetrated against him. Joseph protects his perpetrators with his mouth. He chokes back the tears and he is so hopeful the situation will turn out for good that he weeps alone, not wanting to expose his brothers.

And that blew me away. This man knew his identity. He was confident in the dream God gave him despite the circumstances. His evidence of forgiveness was unconditional, he moved towards his brothers with supply, grace and honour and gave them what they did not deserve.

Ultimately we rest in unforgiveness because we dont believe God. God restores all things, and hope gets extracted from you when terrible things happen. We believe that man have more power than God (and we have lost everything) and we feel the need to take things into our hands so that justice is served. When bad things happens, our innocence is robbed and we lose our dreams. But until we actually believe what Joseph believes, which is no one can rob me of something which God cannot restore, then we start to be able to release the idea that we have been ripped off.

Learn to see you offender in the way God sees them, like how Jesus, before he died, said "forgive them father, for they know not what they are doing".

There's heaps more i can go on, but I have a very busy day today! LOL


Good and bad days

some days i wake up raging with anger, some days I wake up feeling shalom peace.

Some days I feel nothing at all.

Then all I do is surround myself with sermons and bethel music to dull whatever I'm feeling, and I sink into a state of complete reliance on HS to make everything OK, to erase every anger, hate, love, memory, feeling. Until there is nothing but me swimming in a sea of hope.

A sea of hope without a float, because I can keep sinking and never have to drown.

Last night I had a terrible nightmare, as I have been getting for nights on end. It was so real, I woke up feeling I was still in the dream, i felt spiders crawling all over my body and I had to take a shower as I was so disgusted with how I was feeling.

I know these nightmares are from the devil. And I know they will fade in time as I immerse myself more into the loving arms of my Father.

And as He erases all the hurt, He will teach me to trust again.

Learning to trust again

I always thought 2011 was the worst year in my life, but let me say again the 2014 has beaten it. 2014 has been the worst year to date, in every area of my life. And my heart is sick. This year I have been deceived, tricked, lied to, manipulated, trampled upon by injustice. And I feel helpless. And angry at myself for allowinf myself to walk down this path. I should have known. I had ignored the signs.

But through this journey of pain, God is teaching me many new things. He is teaching me not to put my hope in man, but only in Christ. And it is easy to tumble into a spiral of self pity and bitterness, but I CHOOSE to not go there. I choose to walk away from the pit of death, I shall not partner with the devil and his plans to push me into the pits.

Although I can't see the future and it seems somewhat hopeless, there is a voice inside which says I need to arise. I need to learn to trust again. I need to learn to dream again, and although I don't know how and what to do, I am completely reliant on God. Show me Your ways...

God, you are my justice bearer, you vindicate me. You know my heart, my life. You know my character, integrity and values. I give you the right to pick at them if anything grieves You.  Vengeance is not mine, Dad -- it's Yours. Teach me how to forgive daily, to love daily and let hope arise.

It is difficult, but You hold my hand. And will never let me go. One day, I will look back and know that God only has the best plans, better than what my feeble mind can ever fathom. God, You take control. I'm YOURS.

//F.O.R.E.V.E.R //&// A//D.A.Y//

Right to VENT

I think I absolutely have the right to vent.

I have lost my wallet, passport, travel documents, name card, make up pouch, sunglasses and heaps of cash in Colombo. Sucks to be me. In a foreign land.. hearing the waves crash loudly from outside the hotel.

Upgraded to a much better room with a better view, but leaving a lot poorer.

Don't know what to say anymore. This year I have lost so many things. First lost my watch, now this. Some curse must be spreading to me from someone. It's frustrating.

God, where are u when I need you? This year has been the worst year of my life. Little I have prayed for has come to pass. Trying to keep my eyes on You and not my circumstances but you have gotta make it easier for me...