Revelations of my FEARS

Fear is a huge motivating force.

It drives us to challenge ourselves; as well as causes us to sometimes, fold over and whimper at a corner.

But why do we fear? Fear can be aplenty. Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of inadequacy, fear of fear itself. (weird huh?)

I have many fears, one of which is the fear of being a simpleton in simpledom

What does that mean?

I fear I will be a nobody, someone easily forgotten, someone who doesnt leave a scratch on the surface of this earth to prove my existence. Fear that I will just be another passing soul on the planet, fear that I will not be remembered...

What got me thinking of this?

Last night, it rained so heavily; it was as it we were in the middle of a typhoon. The wind howling; the sounds of heaven's tears beating incessantly on the window pane.... the boom of thunder; the crack of lightning. I HATE such nights, it seems as if you're almost "caged" in your room; unable to understand the swirls...

I was awoken by Rocky scratching and whimpering painfully at the glass sliding door. His nails were gripping and scratching furiously; and his cries were almost eerie. I looked out of the glass door, and there he was. A huge rottweiler, solid as a rock; broken into tiny bits; in an emotional blackhole. His eyeballs were darting around, not able to focus on anything but his repetitive action of begging for us to let him into the house.

An animal, so big, so powerful, being scared shit by something like the weather...

We got up, scurried off the the kitchen, to open the door to holler for him to come in. And there he was, shivering in fear, crying and dashing into the house... cold and so so so scared. The fear was still in his eyes; unable to even get a grip on himself.... the poor baby...

This morning, when I got up, I looked at him and there he was, wagging his tail as if to thank us for "saving his life".

Fear is like that, it grips you, undermines the knowledge and trust u have in yourself, makes you go weak in the knees and sucks the life out of you. And as I looked at him, I thought to myself how similar we were. Who am I to judge him for being a coward?

Sometimes the littlest of things can scare the cahoots out of me. Simple things like embracing change or the unknown cause me to be gripped by pangs of fear. And what fat lot of good does that do, other that suck the living sap out of my bones?

What's wrong with being a simpleton anyway, I ask myself? I don't have to impact the world to make an impact on those I love. My parents, my friends, my extended family...

Why does fear have to win in this battle? Why should I descend into nothingness?

There is greatness is the simplest of thing.... sometimes we have to eliminate all fears for us to achieve out potential...

There is a lion in all of us.... just believe... and roar.


Gene said...

For your character, you won't be a nobody, so no worries.

Certain fears are just myths at times so you have to look at them from different perspectives. Who knows, you might laugh it off as just unfound fears

eStee said...

thank gene. Let's see where life takes me.. :)

Anonymous said...

Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. (Matthew 5:5)

eStee said...

christian: thanks for the encouragement -- fear truly is not of the Lord.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this entry, I just happened upon it, it's exactly what I needed to read.


eStee said...

:) you're welcome. come back soon!

Shingo T said...

Hey Estee, haven't seen you blog as much as you used to these days.

Presume you are busy with the real world out there.

Fear (and greed) are self-induced. Sometimes it will be good to focus less on oneself, and start putting a focus on something more important in life.

Take the typical survivor who is buried under rubbles from a collapse building. He can fear about not being discovered, or he can use the time to think about his family - it helps to build up resilience, a reason to live.

Hope I'm making sense here.

Anyway, have a great day ahead, Estee!

eStee said...

shingoT: yes u are making sense. Im glad I survived a car accident today. My car has been totalled :P

eStee said...

shingoT: yes u are making sense. Im glad I survived a car accident today. My car has been totalled :P

eStee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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