April 2003 -- My rawest emotions exposed

I never let anyone know me very easily, unless you're a very close friend. Actually, even my bestest of friends know me very well, and they know days of my youth. They've seen me thru thick and thin, but I think its hard to really experience what i went thru in 2003 unless u were me.





I was browsing through some of my saved blogging documents and found this unpublished blog from another long forgotten blog site long time ago. And I found this very emotional blog post I wrote after the break down of my relationship with my first bf.





As I read it, memories came flowing back. But it wasn't hurt anymore. It was relief, happiness. That somehow, I'm in a much better place. I'm much happier, much more accomplished, much more satisfied, and much more loved. How lucky am I to be so blessed in my life.





The only reason why I'm opening myself up and publishing this lengthy post (might already bore you) is because I think thought I am over the person, I still have many memories, both good and bad. But it's definitely a part of my life that I'm over and done with. And finally, I do not need to hide that secret blog anymore.





I'm ready to tell the world that it's ok for you guys to read this post because, its history. I'm no longer hiding that past, no more regretting it. No more. And I am happy, truly happy.





(post might be graphic.... you are forewarned... this is the 1st of 2 parts, will reveal more later)....

This is the story of the naked aftermath of my love earthquake, the insights to
a pent up soul, the outpourings of a spirit stripped clean of innocence, the
tedious and melancholic journey through the passage of time of my life after
love. Love was a crooked path i chose to throd precariously down, love was a
bittersweet boat ride u took me on, love was a cable car ride dangling by a mere
thread above the abyss of despair, desolation and dejection. Love was everything
shy of fantasy every inch of my body longed for. Love was a choice i made, the
opening of my Pandora's box, if you will. I cannot blame you, for it was I that
opened it for myself, it was I that exposed myself, that bared my nude body to
your torrents of hideous, indescribable sadistic torture. I thought our final
destination would be a city of painted dreams with rainbow waterfalls and cotton
candy clouds but instead U brought me to an amazon teetering with tainted
dreams, filthy obscene hopes and infected, putrid aspirations. Love was a
meandering stream with water so cold that took my breath away and hit me with
sufficient force to drag and uproot me from the very foundation I laid my faith
on. I had no choice but to flow with the icy current to what i thought would
lead me to my destiny, my haven of fantasies I dreamed about every night and i
laid my head upon the sheets. I trusted u to bring me to safety, to a warm
enclave of comfort where i could roll lazily between the satin sheets of passion
and soak up the multitude of love I so craved for.. But u wretchedly tore my
body apart, mercilessly engulfed me with your train of deceit and left me naked
and for dead, to be prowled and stalked on by hyenas that excitedly paced around
my unrecognizable heap of flesh, waiting anxiously for the angel of death to
stop by. U spat at what was left of me, pounded on my already exhausted mind and
gave me not a scrap of credible explanation to your despicable actions. U
beheaded me and paraded me on a stake for all to see, for all to mock and jeer
at, for every undeserving eyes to devour, leaving me no place to retreat or
recoil into. I struggled to regain consciousness, to not lose myself but u broke
my defenses with the hundred of thousand little knives you used to shred my
malnourished being apart. You toyed with me, played with me, boiled me in hot
oil then skinned me alive, not once did u stop to wipe that wry smile off ur
face laced fresh with my blood. How could I have been so blinded by the eloquent
stories you told, the illusive pictures you painted and the captivating promises
you made? I should have realized that each day you constricted around me like a
boa, suffocating me with the unthinkable and detestable motive of plotting my
slow and painful asphyxiation. You tightened your grip and strengthened your
vice while wrapping your evil cords of maliced love around my frail neck with
one hungry purpose - to decapitate me. U hungrily lapped at the fresh blood
pulsating out of the wounds u inflicted on my broken heart. My pain gave u
strength, my sorrow gave u freedom and power, yet being the myopic child I was,
I let u feed on my misery and drink out of my fountain of life. Yes, that was my
life i gave to you, that was the same life u took advantage of. In the
beginning, my path was forked, I had to choose the right road to travel down. I
chose you. I packed my bags and was exploding with elation just at the thought
of being with you, being your so called femme fatale. But U were the hunter, I
was your helpless prey, you were the driver, i was your vehicle, merely your
mode of transport, your means of manipulation. Where ever u steered, I followed,
whatever u said, i obeyed. I was a marionette, and you the puppeteer. You
viciously ripped out my emotions and blended it to a bloody grotesque pulp, all
these without blinking an eye. Alone and in the dark, i waited for my life line,
a buoy that would pull me out from the grasp of your vindictive cold blooded
outlashes but it never came. I knew i had to rely on myself, i had to escape, to
break free from your cruel joke. I was on my own, i had to fend for myself, to
fight for my survival, to learn to breathe without my life support... It was up
to me to pull out my rusty sword from its sheath and slay the Goliath, to slay
you...