I am supposed to be out, watching a movie with Hansen and Nicole, hanging out with Jaren, or out with Cheryln and her bf... but all I'm doing is coming home on an early Saturday night, my heart and steps are heavy, my eyes pink from fighting back tears.
It would have been so terrible for me to have broken down at Katherine's house. It's a happy day, Evan's 1st month!
Why did God have to give me this weakness? What I once saw as a gift for loving the less fortunate and having a heart for children has now turned into my greatest curse. Why does Evan affect me to much -- it doesn't make sense logically. I've tried deconstructing how I feel over and over again, but I still can't figure why looking at the little angel brings out these torrents of emotions from within me. I battle them, struggle with them, but time and time again they surface. I am weak, truly, weak. And I have no choice but to surrender to the pain that rises within me. When will it ebb? Why can't I be a normal person? Why does my heart feel like a thousand daggers are embedded within it??!?! Please just stop twisting the knife.
No child deserves to be born in an unhappy home. No child deserves to not have a family. And I see Tommy and Kat love Evan so much, and I see the family entity around it, so supportive. And I ask myself why does something so perfect have to turn out so imperfect? Can we go back to a year ago when everything was fine, when Tommy and Kat were still together, when Evan was not even formed yet? Can we go back then please, and make everything OK? Please?!?!?
I look at Evan, this precious child, he must deserve a complete home. Can I have just one wish to make things perfect for him? Can someone just grant me one wish? Can we rewind time back, can we pretend none of the sadness happened?
My throat feels parched, as if I haven't drank all day, but the truth is that I have been screaming inside, and my voice has almost left me.
I feel bad for lying to Hansen that I didn't wanna hang out because I was tired. But when Nicole called, I had to admit that I wasn't feeling up to it because my eyes were painful from fighting emotions.
Now you see, I wish this heart of compassion would just disappear, even for just one day -- I want to find out how it is living life in a completely differently perspective. I want to understand how to live life void of emotions, void of compassion, void of sympathy. My heart has to stop calling out to things that should not fcuking affect me.
I just want to roll in bed until I fall asleep. Nonetheless, the 2 things that has made me smile today was a commemorative rat coin I received. Too cool for words. As well as a poster Pheobe did up for baby Evan. Made my heart melt to know that someone so young, can even know what aspirations are!
Tomorrow will be a better day.