I received an anonymous email from a reader yesterday when I was in KL.
Somehow, this blog has evolved from one with tons of followers to now the very little - those who know about its existence from long back, some perhaps closer friends who once in a while want to catch up. In fact I receive so little comments, that sometimes, I forget that this is an open blog, and I write as if writing to myself. It's become that natural.
When I read the email she sent me, my body went into shock, almost immediately. Like someone had injected an epipen or some adrenalin into my system. There in the middle of lunch during KK's 1st bday, I scrolled through the email, and suddenly, I didn't feel like I wanted to speak much to anyone around me. Ming, James, Darren, Sophia, Pierre, Amanda, Cheryl were all around me having lunch. But for that moment, I wanted to be alone. Just by myself.
So I took my cell, and went to the restroom, locked myself in the puny cubicle, sat on the commode, and re-read the email all over again. Tears filled my eyes, but I had to bite my lips and hold back those uninvited teardrops. MY MASCARA!!!! Dammit!!! I still need to take photos later!!! UGH! I'm such a watering can when it comes to things of the heart. I HATE TEARS! But I never win the battle with it!
Anyway, this girl, I don't even know who she is, has been following my blog for sometimes and is currently going through what I have been going through the last 4 years of my life? Is it possible that somewhere out there, someone is going through what I am, and my writing has helped them tide through tough periods? She had shared with me her experience and her struggle to go through a relationship in its "dying" stages... almost somewhat like a death star...
The thought of that made me shudder to the bones, so maybe even if I just touched 1 person's life through bearing my soul on this blog, everything else would be a bonus already! I won't be able to reveal the details of the email she sent me, but it was heartfelt, and it made me feel connected to someone out there through space and time! Some stranger!
So I ask myself, how many people are actually going through the same thing I went through? Do you know that it is 100% possible to survive and emerge stronger? I'm living testament, and it feels so dayam AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! I really thought my life would be over, but I find out it is only just beginning!!!!!!! And I am filled with such happiness and excitement at the thought of what is to come!
I talked to Hue Won today over whatsapp and we were discussing freezing of our eggs , yes cryogenically. Cheryln and I had talked about it a couple of times before but then, never really followed up. Who has ever done it, or know someone who has done it before? Is it safe/painful? What's the procedure like? So they stick some spatula inside you and ....????!???
I slept intermittently yesterday. Woke up at 3AM, turned my phone on, and tried to fall back to sleep. It's been quite some time since some person has kept me awake and I don't like it at all. I need to hold on to this rail before I slip off...
Why do I get so affected by something so trivial? I remember those nights in bed, staying awake, trying to count sheep, trying to coax myself to fall asleep when all I felt was bothered sick when the person I cared for was upset with me... but after a while, somehow, when I didn't care much anymore and fell into deep slumber almost instantaneously, I knew then and there that my heart had died.
Now that I feel such emotions again, it throws me off guard, because I have almost forgotten what it feels like!! As if it's unnatural to be affected by a force I seemingly have no control over.
Maybe I should start living and stop being afraid any longer...
On my flight back to Singapore, I wrote this girl a really lengthy email, sharing with her that pain is very often temporary and that there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - you just have to hold out long enough. I must have wrote for a full hour, because when I hit the "send" button on my BB, the wheels of the plane had just hit the tarmac.
Never be with someone who makes you cry more than laugh....