I find that I am a stranger in my own country, and in the near future, I will continue to be but a shadow in Singapore. In fact, I think I have flown a lot more in the last year than I have my entire life combined. I hardly spend more than 3 days in Singapore in a stretch. My new assignment seems to be challenging, and I look forward to it. But part of me fears that I will not be able to cope with the arduous tasks ahead. Ahhh Australia, what treasures will you bring?
But I am young, and I want to work hard while I can. How long do I have left to burn my candle at both ends? I used to think that my only ambition was to get married and become the best mother in the world, best wife in the world. Find a good, capable man and live the rest of my life in bliss, but alas, now that I have matured, I look back at that mindset and snigger. What a frog in the well I was. *ribbit*
And I seem like the only female who is so "ambitionless", sometimes I am almost ashamed to admit to my friends when they ask me "what I want to be when I grow up". Maybe, whatever. But you see, I have grown up, and well, my ambitions haven't changed a bit, to be honest -- but the context around it have changed drastically. I still want those things I have wanted since I was 4 years old. But this time I know that fairytales don't just happen, dreams don't just come true without you working actively on it.
Cheryln shared her 4 year plan some 3 days ago, on how she wants to own her own home, retire and invest in properties at 31, and for me, that would be nice, but it doesn't excite me as I know it should. But I do understand that before all my dreams can come into place, I need to fulfill my potential for the NOW. Things don't just fall into your lap, that only happens in Disney cartoons! (i.e never)
And therefore, in the next 4 years, I will promise to work the hardest I can, to do the best I can to ensure that I know what I can achieve before time runs out. Her 4 year plan has motivated me to do my own little checklist, not so much that of what I can achieve in material, but more of to fulfill what I feel is my "calling" is in this transient life. Perhaps, penning it down will somehow (hopefully) make me more accountable to my commitments.
1) To work the best I can for Mamee, committed to growing what is placed in my hands
2) To actively train the people under me, their personal growth is important
3) To save up enough and get a loan to buy my own home and pay off car loan
4) To grow my counters on the STI/KLSE and broaden my horizons on US bluechip counters
5) To get married have have a kid
6) To forgive those who have hurt me (struggling even typing this)
7) To love myself more, come down less hard on my shortcomings
8) Do more charity work (Children cancer society or overseas mission); grow a bigger heart for the unlovable
9) Be an emotionally tougher person (no more wasting of tears on people who don't matter)
10) Be a better friend/daughter/lover/colleague/sister/grand-daughter to the people I care about
I have become so accustomed to staying in a hotel, that once what started out as a phobia to me -- now I'm almost desensitized to. Yes, the hairs on my back still stand at times, and I feel somewhat lonely when staring at the ceiling while lying on the bed when I'm trying to fall asleep. But the kind of fear that knocks the breath out of your lungs, now, that has left me, I hope, for good.
Isn't this the same for the many other things in life? We become desensitized... an insensitive lover, fighting parents, a leaky faucet, an aching heart from a spurned love, the pangs of missing someone you love, the forever running nose, the lizard on the wall, soon, they too, become 2nd nature, and we accept these "circumstances" as default.
I have many a times found myself in that situation, maybe because I am a very tolerant person. I hardly get angry, hardly pick fights, and generally try to stay out of confrontational situations. But then, it is this exact same nature of mine, that has caused me a lot of grief. I tolerate much, and when I finally explode, there is no turning back... all hell breaks loose, the floodgates are released... never incur the wrath of a woman, yes that is just about right.
I'm going to learn how to bite back. HARD.
My heart cries out to the innocent lives lost in Norway.. why did innocent people have to die? Sometimes I ask God why this happens, but I know I am in no position to question my maker. What about the families who will and still are crying their eyes out? Who is to comfort them? Who will provide them a shoulder to lean on?
On a personal note, when one door shuts, many many (!!) more open, that is one thing I have learnt in the last 3-4 months.
Don't hold your breath, baby....