I feel like the past is called the past simply because it is. Revisiting it isn't the wisest of things to do -- it can be liken to opening Pandora's Box. My relationship with Desmond was mostly spent as a long distance one. And the truth is that if that my feelings towards a particular person isn't strong enough, long distance can't work for me. And perhaps that was the case, he was in love with me a lot more than I with him. It's a good place to be though, very selfish.
Today he forwarded me a chain of emails that I sent to him when I was in Philly. I read them and re-read them, and oh my have I changed as a person. The now me would not have penned down anything remotely like that. I don't think I have changed that much as a person but my communication style sure has changed. My emails, seem almost childish, but very pure at heart, the latter I hope I still have inside me.
I must say that D and I happened because he was at the right place at the right time. He was so super sweet to me, I fell for him because I didn't know that it as possible for a guy to be so sweet (last of experience). And I guess, it was unlucky that my drive to succeed took me somewhere too far away from my feelings to sustain itself... and thus it led to the demise of what we had. I have always known and admitted that it was solely my fault, I didn't put enough, didn't give enough, only because I had then, more "important" things on my mind. I.e trying to be someone at that young tender age of 21. What the hell did I know then of being anyone?!? Hah.
Memories are vague, but one of the emails I wrote was to Huisi, Junkang's ex girlfriend. I have never denied causing them to break up ever, I feel sorry that they had to end, but my conscience is clear because I never thought myself to be the 3rd party. In fact, I didn't even know that he had developed feelings for me along the way.
So the story goes that Huisi's friend calls D to inform him that apparently, Junkang and I are having a relationship (I "cheating" (I had already broken up with him wks before) on D and Junkang cheating on her). I remember D calling me up to confront me, but I have very candidly denied anything, only because there was really none! I did like Junkang a lot, but I never saw it proceeding across a certain level simply because he, as well as I, then were attached.
Anyway, to cut long story short, I called Huisi up after her friend's confrontation with D, spoke to her very briefly (I don't remember her being hostile), and then wrote her a very long email...
I just want to thank you so much for allowing me to talk to you. I know you don’t need to; you have the right to ignore me. Afterall, no matter how I explain myself, I have to admit that I do have a part to play in your breakup. I can say all I want that I was ignorant of the problem at hand between you and junkang and how I was coming in between you both; but the bottom line is that YES, I indeed was in constant contact with him, especially for the last 3 month.
It might pain you to read this. I remember vividly when my first bf broke up with me after 2 years after he found another #$%^&* to be with. That is when I totally did not believe in love and I told myself that ALL men are jerks. It took me about 2 years before I allowed myself to even start dating again. This was when I met my 2nd bf. He really showed me what it was like to be loved unconditionally and he really was good to me. He was trust worthy and he showed me that even if I was hurt before, he would not want to hurt me the same way again. Unfortunately, I am a very obstinate person, and I let the pain from my past eat into our relationship. We had problems and they were because I kept thinking that if I trusted him, I would be hurt the same way as I was hurt by my first bf.
I was cruel and evil to him, I got angry and was unreasonable every time; just to show him that he would not be able to hurt me. All the while he understood and told me to trust him. But it was very hard for me to.
I am sending you this mail because I understand how it is like to cry every night, feeling betrayed by the person you gave your heart too, especially for so long. It hurts to know that someone you love so much, who claims to love you too, can tear you up inside. I have been there before and I have the scars to proof.
I just want to let you know that I don’t want u to end up the same way I did. I allowed my pain to destroy my future. I allowed my anger to prevent me from loving again. I became resentful and hard hearted. I drowned myself in work and pretended that everything did not matter. Maybe because of this, part of me is destroyed.
But then again, because of this pain, I have also learnt to stand up on my own 2 feet, to tell myself that I would not love someone so much that even if it hurt me, I would cling on because he would change. Some people never change; we have to accept that. We have to learn to love ourselves more and believe in ourselves. Because of my hurt, I actually did discover a part of me I never knew I had. I learnt to be independent (albeit angry); I learnt that no one can destroy me unless I allowed them to; I learnt that there always is hope at the end of the rainbow. I learnt that when God closes a door, he opens another… I have learnt that I am much better than I thought I was….
I am still having problems with my 2nd bf (now my ex) but we’re working things out. I know I shouldn’t defend Junkang or anything but one thing I know for sure. He is a really nice friend to me. But not once did he EVER tell me that he liked me; not once did he say anything negative about you (until your friend contacted my 2nd ex bf). Not once when we went out (like 2 yrs back) did he deny you as a gf; we even talked about you. Not once did he cheat on you. Maybe he did lie to you; yes. But he never cheated on you. Maybe all he wanted was to keep in contact with me because he treasured our friendship, I may be wrong. Not once did I ever think that our friendship was beyond anything platonic. NOT ONCE really did he ever do anything with me or whatever that was inappropriate. He was attached, and I knew it. I had no intention ever of coming between you both.
I just wanted to let you know that. He really has been a good friend to me. I am proud to have him as a friend. I will not un – befriend him because of your misunderstanding with him. I am sorry, I cannot do that. He is a friend to me still regardless of what happens between the both of you. But I can promise you that I will be honest with you if you have any questions.
I have copied my 2nd ex bf on this mail because I want to be honest with him too. He was upset with me when ur gf contacted his friend or something. But thankfully, he trusts me enough that when I explained to him, he believed me. He has been very supportive of me al these while and I appreciate him. I don’t lie to my ex bf. If junkang and I talk, I will willingly admit to him as well. I think that has been working well for us.
Let me know if you need anything else.
Cut and paste. Seriously, I would never have written anything like that now, makes me think I was a completely different person then. Can a mere 6 years change a person that much?