I write with a heavy heart

because my mind and heart are all over the place.

And it is hard for me to concentrate. I feel that I am lingering in a space of in betweens.

And this feeling does not work well with and for me.

It keeps me on my toes, in makes my heart race and my hair stand, not for good reason.

I am anxious and nervous, and jumpy.

I'm going for a run, to blow some steam off. I need to dye my hair, to get my mind off things, then I'm off to Ming's place for a BBQ.

But I want to talk, because I can't walk on eggshells, my heart is too heavy, they will crack under my weight.

For a moment, I would have given up everything that mattered to me, do you know that? I would have really done that, now it's everything for you to lose.

Let's hope I pluck up enough courage to give you a call tonight. And whatever it is, I promise to accept it, because I have done so so many times before. And no "what ifs", no more blaming myself, just need to love who I am a whole lot more. Because I know what I have to give... and it's so much more, honey.

***

I need to start writing about happy stuff,my blog is so dark and tragic -- but this is not the person I am, or who I want to be. I need to start being who I was born to be, I need to start smiling, and I don't need anyone to make me smile. I need to smile for me. Period. Today is 30/8/11 and I am making a commitment at this point to myself, that I am going to be happy, whatever the situation is, happiness is my choice. And I need to learn to be optimistic, because life is worth living. God help me.

***

Just got back from my run, and decided I should dye my hair by myself! How fun! Doing something crazy that can either be very wrong or very right! Ahhhh how a good run and a good boost of oxygen and endorphins makes the world a much more beautiful place. Things will surely be alright for me after all.

I has so much fun applying the Liese bubble mask on my head and foaming it all over, like a kid on her first shampoo day! So much bubbly foam, so fun, splish splash splosh! My mind drifts away momentarily to happy memories, and happy thoughts of beautiful sun ray and bumble bees and butterflies - ahhh bliss.

I have been repeating the same song over on my BB for the last 2 hours. I think it has given me the courage to do what is right for me. And also, Sue whatsapped me out of the blue and I spent half an hour at the gym, pouring my heart out to her. Somehow, although we don't meet each other often, I feel that she understands me. I told her EVERYTHING. No holds bars. No pretense. And she told me I was perfect, what a good friend. I know I am not, but having a friend stand by me and tell me everything will be OK makes me feel that maybe I have been way too harsh on myself. For what reason? I am a control freak. Yes, I am.

I need to be strong enough to not allow anyone to validate me. To tell me I am not good enough, ot to make me feel as if I am nothing. Because, sometimes it is easier to accept that it is not that 2 people are imperfect perhaps they are imperfect for each other. It does not mean they are not good people, it means that they are not good for each other. And when you come to accept that fact, then the problems surfacing become strangely dim, and strangely insignificant.

Nonetheless, I still am going to stand up for what I believe and I when I come back tonight and continue my post, I want to tell myself to be strong. Believe in your heart, believe that happiness is a possibility, believe that whatever the outcome, happiness is within grasp, though it might hurt and cut like a knife, we all get to live another day. I should not spend my tears on things which will not matter 2 years down the road. Because life is like that you win some, you lose some.

I want us to win, but in the scenario that we don't, then we will both win with someone else, some other time, until happily every after. :)

The whole world smiles again, because in the end, I need someone to love me for me. Simple.


***

I live to see the sun set another day, as I bury my shovel in the sand. Please never forget.