I struggle with doing good. Because sometimes I have a very soft and compassionate heart. And all the things I do, I do as if unto the Lord because I have an audience of ONLY one. God himself knows how things makes me feel, how I hurt when I see people in pain, how my heart just seems to be wrenched out of my chest when I see injustice.
I have been called stupid, too kind, dumb enough to let people take advantage of, and sometimes I must admit, life might feel better if I just throw away this heart of flesh. Then I wont cry so much, wont hurt so much, wont feel so tormented by things which shouldnt even bother me.
But then, God made me like that, and if those parts of me were removed, I wouldnt even be who I am today. I'd be a total stranger to myself. And I don't know where my life would be now.
Sometimes I struggle when I am helping others because I wonder why I am doing all these things when a normal person wont. And I tell God, that I pray He sees my heart, He sees what I am doing, and He knows only because I love him, I obey Him. And sometimes I get disgruntled because helping others cost me something, my time, my money, causes me to be stressed... but I throw it all back to the Lord because I believe that He knows the deepest recesses of my heart -- the portion no man can know, but only my Maker.
I have a heavy heart because today I thirst for God a lot, and there are so many desires in my heart I am praying and seeking God earnestly for, but some have not yet come to past. And I try to be patient and wait without feeling the need to orchestrate things -- to just rest in His presence and soak in His love. But sometimes I am frustrated and honest with God, and question His will in my life... I know I need to obey and be patient because some blessings I want may be too heavy for me to shoulder it yet.
I know God knows best, I pray He helps me to submit to His sovereign will in my life because if Im not living in His will, I'd just rather not be alive at all. So help me God.