Now that is a really good question. Because days like these, I wake up and my life seems topsy turvy... and how can this be, when I just got baptised yesterday and this should make me very happy.
Yesterday was such an awesome day, imagine -- being betrothed to Christ, what greater honour?
But as I drove him that night from Cheryln's house, I could help but to cry my heart out, because I was gripped with immense pain. And I don't even know what the source of it was, where it came from.
I can't open a closed heart, and I can't close and open heart. And I can't make someone close an open heart, neither can I make someone open a closed heart. Only the Lord can do it, but why does it feel like it is my struggle alone? Why does it feel that everything rests on my shoulder. And I tell God I can't fight these battles anymore. I am tired, I just want it to go away. I want all these burdens to lift, I don't want to struggle anymore. I want to have the peace and freedom of not knowing anything, not feeling anything.
I want to feel the pain of the world God sees through his eyes, not the pain of the world I see through my carnal eyes. I want to exchange the these sorrows for joy, I don't want to struggle anymore, I don't want to have to walk thru mud, walk thru grime and bottle up everything within in. I give it up, I give it up to the Lord. This burden is not mine.
My heart is not in it, my heart runs away to a far away place. Because what others count as important, I see as nothing. And what the Earth sees as nothing, I count as everything.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING, LORD?! You need to take it all away now, because I CANNOT CRUMBLE. NOT NOW. YOU NEED TO INTERVENE.
Meanwhile, pls exchange my pain for your joy.