Someone, I forget who, told me that I can't rely on my friends forever. One day, they will all get married and have families of their own. And then our friendships will be different. I kinda agree, and that makes me sorta sad, but then I can't help but to treasure it while it lasts.
They have always been my emotional cushion, my inflatable life vest. When ever life hands me lemons, I know that they will always be there for me. At least to give me a whole box of Kleenex or be a shoulder to cry on. Or to laugh with, the amount I have laughed with them, my gosh, I'll never get enough of them.
Anthony told me he has 10 people in his life he always talks to, or keeps in contact with.
I started to think about the 10 people I know who I can call. As I went though my list, I started to realize that majority of them were females, I hardly know any male friend I can call (save 1 or 2). And it's queer. I think I have begun to become very cynical when it comes to males. Even as friends, I tend to keep them at bay, maybe its because males have the tendency to make me cry, so fug that shit.
Sometimes I think I am over reliant on the people around me. I should be more independent, and much stronger, but somehow, when problems arise, when I am happy, I can't help but to pick up the phone or send a message to the people I love. Is it a sign of weakness? What would happen to me if they weren't around.
I was feeling really crappy yesterday (Sunday) PM, and Dorkie volunteered to accompany me to watch Stupid Crazy Love at Great World City. Shouldn't have chosen that mall, but the show times were great for us, and there hardly is a crowd there. Brought back a lot of memories with Ming and J. The millions of time Ming and I went to the furniture shops, the bookshops, I think we must have spent a couple of days there in all if you total the amount of time we went there. I miss Ming. He will always be my soulmate. And I will always remember him saying to me when J first made me cry -- "Soulmates never lose each other". And he is right. He will forever live on in my heart even when we are no longer together. It's amazing how much I care about him still. We will never be together again, but I will always want the best for him, there is no bitterness, no pain. Perhaps this is what perfect love is.
When I walked past the Ben & Jerry's, I had to look away. There is still pain, I admit. I am weak, dammit. I had to pull Dorkie away and ask her to speed up as we walked past B&J. It is funny, but I admitted to J that I still pray for him everyday for his work. It's funny how I can do that. And somehow I think it is foolish of me. Why should I want God to bless those who have hurt me? But I have developed this uncanny ability to pray for someone even though I feel hurt when I think of them in other situations. Its like when I am praying for someone, there is no more pain, I am in a state of zen. Maybe God is showing me what is the meaning of unconditional love. To love thy neighbour as yourself. Ah...
***
Anthony called me last night to chat. I think he knew that my heart was heavy and I wasn't in the best state of mind. All I wanted to do was sleep. Sleeping is amazing. You get to rest, pass time, and most importantly, you don't think, you don't feel. I slept a total of 14.5 hours. Bliss.
Before I slept, I remember whatsapping Jon all the way in the UK. Its funny how some of the male friends I talk to/share things with aren't even in Singapore. I wonder if it is an unconscious way of keeping male friends away from me. They can't hurt me if they are offshore! Crap, I really am damaged, aren't I?
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Off to KL tomorrow for war. I feel sometimes I am fighting a constant battle. But I will die another day.
***
Estella is taking me out today to meet her friend. You see, what goes around does come around. I remember when she was freshly single and nursing a heart break, I took her out, and introduced her to 2 elligible guys. Although then Gerald was interested in me, I was happy if Estella would want to go out with either of them. Don't play play ok. Both good catches. Although nothing worked out between them, somehow, she has kept me in mind, and now she wants to play matchmaker. Actually, come to think of it, my friends have always played an active role in playing matchmaker for me. I think I have met more men in these 2 weeks than I have in the last 3 months combined. But you see, it doesn't matter to me at all, the last thing I want to do is give my heart to some jerk/player/philanderer/smooth operator. My heart is weak, I am old - I'd rather wait for the right one. No flings, nothing. Not interested in short term shit. You girls go ahead without me, thank you very much.
And the truth is that maybe they are really desperate for me to hook up with some guy, or to get over whatever stupid remains the sinews of my heart cling on to. But I know deep down inside, they really care for me. Which brings me back to how much I love and appreciate my girl friends. What would I do without you girls?
And now Alex is trying to introduce me to his investment banker cousin. I asked how old, he said "35". My theory stands that single men over 35 all have some problem that prevents them from keeping proper relationships with women. Auto REJECT.
***
Shimei's bible college graduation is this Thursday and there is nothing more I look forward to this week than Thursday night. I can't wait to see her up on stage, I will be so proud. How much we have grown up this year. From girls to women...
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