5 Reasons Why Couples FIGHT... and BREAK UP
No, I'm no LOVE guru, hardly am close to one, but over the last week or so, I've encountered friends of mine, either having HUGEASS arguments with their partners leading to MAKE UPs or, unfortunately BREAK UPs.
And I've spent a huge portion of my time, lamenting at the outcome of their fights, and wondering why people just can't seem to solve their differences. - if they claim their love for each other is as deep as the valleys.
Like I said, I'm no guru, but from my (little, almost) experience, I hope to shed a bit of light.
1) Misaligned expectations
I remember distinctly with my first boyfriend, we used to fight because I felt I spent too little time with him. He used to like hanging out with his guy friends over me (or so I thought, but hey I was right OK). As a result, I felt neglected and hated playing 2nd fiddle to his friends. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I hated hanging out with his friends or anything, but it's just he very neatly dichotomized "me" time and "guy friends" time. There was no intersection, whatsoever. Thus since I always expected to spend #XX days with this fella a week, I would end up spending only #XX-Y time with him, which fueled my frustrations and when I vented it out, he would get upset and distance himself. He reasoned that I should not demand for that much of his time.... Thus the slow decomposition of our relationship -- he really broke my (very fragile) heart. But alas, first love is always the most memorable right?
Lesson Learnt: Set expectations right concerning things which matter
If you're unhappy about spending insufficient time with someone, set things straight. For example, I find setting a schedule formal but very effective. Say for example, make things clear like "Will it be OK if we spend every SAT and FRI evening together and the rest of the time, we can plan on the fly?" This ensures that your expectations are in sync and if one needs to back out before hand, it is common courtesy to give advance warning (instead of pulling out last minute)...
2) Different LOVE languages
I commonly hear girls saying, "He NEVER buys me anything... he's so cheapskate. I don't think he loves me anymore". Now dear dear, I pretty much laugh at that! What she doesn't see is the fact he drives her around and picks her up from work and always hugs her and kiss her!
Lesson Learnt: Understand your partner's LOVE language
Chapman's 5 love languages include: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, physical touch. Different people show love and expect love to be showed in different ways. And because of point #1, misaligned expectations, we expect our partners to show love the way we THINK love should be shown. Very often, we are different, so understanding someone else's love language can go along way...
E.g., My father is not a gift person but he is an acts of service person to my mom, and my mom is a gifts person - they've been married for almost 30 yrs!
3) Unwillingness to Compromise
Admittedly, this is a huge issue for me. People tell em I'm stubborn and hell yeah I am. I like to say what I like and I like what I say (tongue twister hey?) Many of my fights have started and brewed because of an unwillingness for either party to back down and admit their fault. (many times both of them are wrong).
Lesson Learnt: Don't force your opinions down someone else's throat
There is such a thing as "ageeing to disagree". I know, I know, it sounds so oxymoronic, but that's what it exactly means. Differences in opinions may never converge but perhaps, convergence is not the main aim. Maybe what would be a more plausible solution is to respect what the other person is saying and think of a second what the other person means. Then try to integrate some parts of it into your own viewpoint. You don't have to swallow everything, that's not compromise! Oh yes, saying sorry often helps.
Sometimes I often apologize for having the fight escalating to a certain level, so I apologize for the fight ensueing but give no apology for the reasont he fight started. So far that has never worked before though, haha someone help?
4) Lack of communication (Assumptions)
"I thought you would understand my actions", "I thought you knew me better than that", "I though you would know that I was feeling that way" FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. The men do not get it. They do not know or understand -- stop assuming they do.
Lesson Learnt: TALK, TALK, TALK (speak up, dammit)
They just don't. Men, unlike women, need things spelt out for them. Don't expect them to be extra sweet because you think they know you had a bad day at work. Men DO NOT have ANTENNA of any sort. In fact, if you want something, ask for it. If you expect anything, tell him. Please, don't be such a goondo and get your heart broken due to assumptions. Men's brains aren't hardwired to predict the future a.k.a more often then not they are insensitive... (there I said it, no reproach pls!)
Sometimes females just need to S-P-E-L-L T-H-I-N-G-S O-U-T!!!
5) Lack of LAUGHS
Do you know that the hormone "oxytocin" gets produced everytime we hahahaahahehehahaha? Yes that's right. It's the hormone implicated for the bonding between a child and a mother during breastfeeding. Oxytocin helps to create a bond and increase love between 2 people. Indeed, yes it is also the hormone that causes an orgasm in females. So throw that vibrator away and start watching comedies -- I swear by "Kids says the darndest things", "Just for laughs", and the very old school "Friends" and "Seinfield".
Lesson Learnt: Learn to laugh at the simplest things
A laugh a day keeps the doctor away. Yeap, you don't need an apple anymore if you begin to laugh at yourself, and the both of you. You'll never realise how silly things can get once you start thinking about things.
Happy HAHA-ING! Here's wishing you couples success in whatever you endeavour! CHEERS!