Heartbroken... Torn Up... Tired of Tears

When ever I check my facebook, I get a whole list of updates...

Recently a friend, not close at all, broke up with her boyfriend. And it got me thinking about what happened to me years ago, with my first bf. I know I shouldn't always harp on it, I've blogged a trillion times about him, but somehow, when I think of heartbreak, his face appears on in my mind.

I remember thinking he was my first and ONLY love, how silly huh? But then my dreams got shattered when somehow he decided to make a unilateral decision to get out of my life. I was left lost... he left without a tear, and I was broken, because I had all my hopes pinned on him.

He wasn't perfect, but he was perfect for me -- or so I thought.

I never thought I'd get over him... the nights I thought I would just disappear into nothingness because of the void he left. The nights I was haunted by his face, the hours I spent next to my phone, waiting for the phone to ring, and when it did, it was never his voice...

I remember being haunted by the thoughts of how I was EVER going to find someone again...

And when I see that this friend of mine is going through all this pain... considering the relationship lasted for I'm guessing about 4 plus years, I can't help but feel tears well in my eyes. I've been there, haven't I?

I can seriously never understand how someone can just throw years of time spent together just like that, as if nothing ever happened, throw away and burn years of memories.... how could anyone be human if they did that???? Unless, they never really loved you to begin with???

I know, most of my posts are filled with pink pretty pictures or happiness, but this doesn't warren for one, my emotions run too deep.


Trying to get someone to get over another person truly is easier said than done. I remember it being almost impossible. And when I met the girl whom my ex left me for, I distinctly remember thinking to myself, that she was so different from me. I didn't hate her, I wasn't envious. In fact I was curious.... What made him leave? Was I not good enough... I remember this girl to be pretty and quite a charmer, party animal and all... and I never fitted that mould. Perhaps I was too boring and cookie cutter?

The thing about girls is that we go on and on, blaming ourselves sometimes for the disintegration of a relationship... was it me? what did I do wrong? Why wasn't I better? And you know what? You just have to tell yourself to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Especially when the other person left because he just didn't know what he had then and there. Perhaps, he wanted wings to fly.... perhaps he just wanted more fun.


I don't know how to comfort a heartbroken person so much, but I can surely say that I've had my fair share of heartbreaks.


But now years later, when I look back, I can swear that I say this with no tinge of sour grape-ness, I'm glad it's over. We are now so different, we've chosen completely different paths, different goals and different visions. And I'm just so glad he walked away because through the pain I learnt what I really wanted (or didn't want) in a guy..

On hindsight, I'm really glad I walked the path I did because if not for that, I would never have been as happy as I am today and I wouldn't be able to meet someone new. Someone who knows how to love me the way I want to be loved. Most importantly, someone I can trust.

For all those heartbroken souls, things happen for a purpose, and years later when you look back, you're going to smile on your hurt.

Keep your head high!

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh! i am very impressed with this story. i was recently dumped by my ex. the reason was he needed his freedom back. i was so sad, cried a lot but i got lots of support from my friends. so i can pass through all difficult time. look at the bright side, at least i found new true loves from friends. even i lost him but i got better friendship. now i've stopped thinking how bad i am, what's wrong with me...the thing is i and my ex have choosen diff ways to walk. i really thank him. as u said, without him i wouldnt have had a better and happier time :)

Lupin Tan said...

True Love won't be True Love if you don't break a few bones and relationships just to find it" - Lupin tan

eStee said...

anonymous: it's all about looking on the bright side. I'm glad my story helped you... just when u think ur really going to break, that's when the tide will turn! Congrats!

Lupin: wah ur shakespeare reincarnate :) how poetic

Shingo T said...

Markov's Rule - The future is dependent on the present, not the past.

Thats the reason why your eyes are placed at the front, not the back of your head. ^_^

Gean said...

Hi Estee, you must be thinking who is this leaving a comment on your blog. Yes, i have been reading you guys blog whenever i am free. This is Gean by the way :)

I like your article on this topic.
Remember one thing....find a guy who will love you for who you are and worth your love at the same time. Most importantly, he must be faithful to you and vice versa. Trust is always the key thing in a relationship but of course, there are alot more elements to a successful relationship. I am sure you will find your Mr. Faithful, it is a matter of time. Don't rush into a relationship so fast. If you notice, i did not mention Mr. Right...no such thing in this world or even Your prince charming. ok..enough...i sound like a love expert here.

Haa...take care and catch up soon.

Cheers.

eStee said...

gean: Hi Gean, thanks for leaving a comment. I've found someone new. I was lamenting at the state of my past r/s!! Ketchup soon!

Lupin Tan said...

Though the Markov's Rule, One must remember the present is nothing without the past. It's through acceptance of your past who made you who you are and form the experinces you had , you can be wiser in making decision for your future.

Samantha said...

as usual, a good elaborate story from u. bravo estee! good writing :)

Anonymous said...

Hello estee, I am an occasional follower of your thread, and I couldn't help but share some thoughts with you. You know something? A few days ago, I was catching up with some guy pals, and they said the most insensitive things in my presence, perhaps they thought that a girl who's just 'one of the guys' wouldn't mind. One of the guys commented that his female friend just broke up. This other MCP started the ball rolling by saying that "You don't know meh? Alot of guys just to have a f**k buddy, you think they really want to stick with their girlfriends faithfully forever meh? Don't be silly lah, s'pore guys won't settle down with the last fling until they reach 35. And never get those clingy GFs, they will commit suicide if you dump them, just get one that you can f**k and dump, who cares about commitment?" estee, you tell me...very painful to hear right? I suspect alot of guys are like this, well, at least those who look 'passable'. the other option would be the CMI geeks. Tell me, what is a girl to do in sg? How to find a good guy who doesn't have the intention to f**k and dump?...sigh...

eStee said...

lupin: u should be the next poet or scientist... ur comments always revelational and cheeeeeem

sam: Wait until I relate to u the whole story... this is only the tip of the iceberg man!!!

eStee said...

anonymous: I believe what u say is true.. however only to one extent.

Let me tell you this, you might find it unbelievable and disagree though.

In the presence of guys, some guys might act macho and say such things about girls. It perhaps gives them the feeling amongst their pals that they are damn cool...

But whatever la... seriously qhen they are with their gfs they won't say such things... or wont think of doing such things.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but sometimes when a guy loves a girl so much, he needs to show his guy friends that he still has a dick to prove for... and so this leads him to "boasting".

I might be jaded, but I still think there are good sporean guys out there.

I'll write a post about this soon :)

eStee said...

shingot: thank god my eyes are looking forward then. I don't want to be like sarah in the bible, turning into a pillar of salt just because she looked back...

Samantha said...

TIP OF THE ICEBERG<- lots to melt from head to toe. things like that r a lil bit personal. so yea i'll be back to see the follow up of this entry if it's still going to be written.

eStee said...

sam: i wonder how msian guys are diff from singaporean ones?

nicelegs said...

人贱自然有天收

Anonymous said...

Wah! Another relationship article, bet u can soon rival barabra pease and come out wif ur own bk liao! Hehe!

But again beri insightful and compelling piece of writing... Think i read abt this story's prolouge in ur Moblog pages b4.

Well thk goodness, u r still optimistic abt sg men cos there are indeed "a few gd men" out there. But sad to say most guys are playing the field with a "golf game" mentality...

Samantha said...

estee: one malaysian that i know of whom i see so often... likes to change his relationship status like the weather not thinking if it's detrimental to us or even really thinking. the guy's so whimsical. i got fed up and told him to quit putting any relationship status on facebook. sometimes i really wish he'd grow up u know. i took mine off. "no longer listed in a relationship" wooh.

i haven't dated no singaporean estee. if only one would've rescued me on 'that' night in singapore, that would've been a chance muahahahaa.

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Anonymous said...

i was dumped hard 2 the whole he cheated on me and i just looked at her and said ok fine whatever, if you want her over me then you dont know what your missing. but inside i was dying, i was trying to be brave on the outside thou, i love your story and everything you got to say,