I met Elise and Roy last night, and it was amazing. All those memories flooding back from my days in Philly, oh how I miss those moments.
Though I must say that life wasn't a bed of roses there, I knew that these people cared for me and seeing them last night made my heart dance incessantly - the joy was just indescribable.
Today, this morning started with a whirlwind of confusion, no not another heartbreak warfare please, just when the weekends are supposed be to happy times. And I think I came to my very first breaking point, I don't remember the last time I came to that, maybe a year ago with Ming, but it was never such an outburst. I wonder that caused it, but must have been something festering for some time already, waiting to explode.
As I sat in the living room waiting for J to comes out of his room, I started to think about all the times I felt lousy, felt as if I wasn't good enough. And that stupid voicemail repeats in my mind over and over again, the slut, the hairs on my hand standing on its ends. All all the things everyone says to me comes flooding into my mind.. like how being with someone should make you happy, how you should not have to feel like you're walking on eggshells, etc. And there and there I decided, I'm going to kill this heart. No one has the right to make me feel so small, no one has the right to make me feel as lousy as I do.
And as we marched on to the carpark, I was trying to phrase how I would say that it would be better if we would just stop all contact. I was ready to pull the plug, as if I had a whole gulp of courage juice. Or maybe my body had been pushed beyond its breaking point.
And then the next series of event is unclear to me, but all I know was that in the car, I started ranting and raving, blowing off all that steam, saying some really mean things I didn't really intend to say, but if I didn't get it out of my chest then, when was ever a suitable time? I said some very stupid things again that put me in a situation of vulnerability, but the truth is that I'm not here to waste anyone's time. And it's better to put it way out there. I've got things I want to do, things I want to achieve, things that I need done, and I'm not a person to linger on for lingering on's sake. For crying out loud, we are 2 adults, we'll cope! It's just happenstance, things don't work out, move one, don't mope! But I regret saying such things still, now it makes me seem like some weakling, and it's like I've put it out there, and leave myself naked, all over again. But that really is the person I am right? Say it as it is when it matters. Ugh.
I am weak, I relent. Please let things be better from now on because it's not a game. And if it is, then I'd admit defeat now and graciously bow out...