All or Nothing

I have realized, I have lived by considerably low standards. Although I know deep down inside, I am a perfectionist, somehow, somewhere along the road, I have made a few compromises, broke too many hearts and got my heart broken several times too -- but that's life.

Somehow at church today, I pondered at the state of my life, where is was going, what I am doing to further the causes I have. And perhaps, sadly so, I rang up a huge zero.

A few years ago, I would have imagined myself in a completely different place at this present moment. And now as I look back, I am right where I started. It seemed like I had progressed forward, only to fall a few steps back every time. It is frustrating. I find myself in similar situations all over again, and my heart is heavy.

Maybe I am an ill disciplined person, maybe I just don't know why I can't anchor myself to the faith I was taught existed. I keep running away from the only anchor I know. And in somewhat undrunken stupor, anchor myself to things which are not solid, things which I only know will drift away like driftwood in a vast ocean.

I wish I could take everything away and start all over. But alas, things aren't so simple. There are so many promises I have made to myself, I have broken. So many things I have said to myself, I have forgotten. My eyes are painful from trying to sleep them away. My fingers are aching from fending off people who come to "steal" my loot, people who come under the guise of something "good" for me.

I look through the daily messages I receive on my phone, and only a few people really matter. The extraneous sounds are so loud and frequent, why do I even bother replying, when my heart is stone cold and I already know the ending?

Because I know in the end, it's ALL or NOTHING and I'm afraid that I get, again, the shorter end of the straw..

Is it wrong to just want to be happy?

***

I visited Shimei's mother this afternoon. She has lost massive amounts of weight, maybe because they have changed the schedule by which she gets fed to prep her for going home. I feel sadness, when Shimei starts sobbing next to me, yet I feel helpless. In my heart, I am angry somewhat, why won't God save her now? The family has been through so much, can god just take all the pain away now?

I have become an expert at fighting uninvited tear drops, and the ulcers from my lower lip which are result of biting them so hard to fend these tears, no longer hurt. I have grown used to them, they have become my constant companion.

***

I met a girl called Tracy. Somehow, something about her tugs at my heartstrings, I like her very much. Maybe she was sent to help me instead of me helping her.

***

Having fun filling up my schedule for Monday and Tuesday to keep my mind off wondering about the more complicating things in life.


***

My driver's side car door is locked shut. I have to climb in through my passenger's seat window to get to thee driver's seat. I have to then explain to those judgmental eyes how I am not breaking into my own car. Need to get it fixed, pronto.