I went out with D last night for drinks. Funny -- just a few months back, I wouldnt imagine this to happen, but I guess since I bump into him so much in church and we have so many reacquainted mutual friends, I thought it was probably not much harm.
Anyway, he brings me to Kent Ridge Park and starts talking about all the things we used to do, where we used to go, what we did together in Philly circa 2005. That is a very long time ago indeed. Things are so hazy, I hardly remember them anymore.
And I finally get to ask him about what happened between us that caused the relationship to meet its demise, and surprisingly, he remembers, I listen, try to recall then let the moment pass me by. It didn't matter why the reason, but what made me happy was that we were both in a more mature, better place in life.
I think D still holds a spark for me -- he asks me if they is a chance we can rekindle what we lost, and kissed me on my forehead. I didn't resist because I didn't see it coming, and he starts to hold my hands in his and strokes my arm. I draw away quickly because I suddenly feel as if I'm in a foreign place. He is a good guy and until I am very sure I can give my heart to him, I won't want to do anything that will potentially hurt him. I understand what pain can do to someone and it would be inhumane for me to put someone through that similar experience.
I am healing very quickly, but I know my wounds are still open, the scars have not completely formed yet. I still wake up some morning thinking of what could, would have been, but then I know better than to harbour any thoughts of anything other than focusing on Christ alone. I cannot love someone or give my heart to someone and be responsible for their heart, unless my own heart is straight with God.
I told Anthony last night about my new resolution -- to get my life sorted and fixed with Christ before any other guy. And I want to stay committed to this promise. I want to give my heart to someone only if I know I can be the person that will build and edify and support them.
I care for D a lot, as much as I care for the several people I've dated previously, how much they have torn me apart doesn't matter. Bottomline -- I want to forgive. I need to be a better person.
And I pray that God will slowly reveal to me His plans, that no man will be able to thwart.